Youth - 2/2 - CoupleDumb

ebb Ebb and Flow

Young love. First love. Do you remember the first time you felt the flutter of love? Do you remember the one who took your breath away? People have written us saying that it sounds that we don’t believe in love. What we don’t believe in is the enamored clinginess that passes for love these days. What we don’t believe in is the packaged, fast food love that people swoon over and we all lap it up like the ideal. What we don’t believe in is being in love one day and not the other.

Lee says: I remember the moment I knew I was in love with Paul. I might have mentioned that he was unavailable at the time so the guilt was thick. Did I throw myself on my bed and cry? No. I thought about it. I analyzed it. I rationalized it. My conclusion was that I was infatuated with the first man that stimulated my brain and could keep up with me. So I did nothing. Actually, I tried to avoid him. But Paul was a little more persistent and would show up at my house. I would say he shouldn’t visit me like that; all this happening without one kiss or even the talk of love. I have categorized this time as innocent but it was more than that. We were building a foundation.

Many couples start their relationships with the belief that the fire will stay hot. The commitmentphobes first complaint is the loss of passion in long term relationships. They aren’t wrong. Most couples lose the fire and substitute the fiery, sexy passion with fighting to get the adrenaline going. The fire goes away if you don’t fan it. You need to stoke it and nourish it with fuel. Many people believe that the lack of desire is a loss of love. When did love hitch its wagon to sex?

You do realize you can have one without the other, right? I know it’s nice when the two are present at the same time but you don’t always have that. The love remains and sex will wax and wane. That’s hard for a young couple to understand. In the middle of their orgasm overdose fog, they don’t want to here that they should probably invest a little of that sexy time into deepening their friendship and connection. I know that’s hard to do. I remember a whole weekend of sexy time in a hotel in San Diego where we didn’t even eat or sleep let alone talk for any length of time. Ah, the good old days.

But that was more than 21 years ago for us. Can we do a whole weekend of sexy time without eating, sleeping or talking now? Probably not. We are better organized and Paul would insist on a cooler filled with goodies and room service. Even if we travel without the kids, we don’t spend the whole time naked. Don’t get me wrong, we spend the whole time in various stages of sexual release but not naked. We flirt, we touch and grope when we aren’t in bed but the more athletic part of sexy time is not as prolific as before. We spend out time talking, being in silence together and reveling in our relationship. We genuinely like each other and spending time with our favorite person is just fine with clothes on.

Paul says: In one of our previous posts, I wrote that we do not fall out of love. We got some feedback for this statement but I still stand behind it. Simply stated, passion without foundation is lust. When the lust ebbs, new passions take its place. Anger, jelousy, and hatred are just as enflaming as the thirst for sexual passion. But take passion and encase it in a safe and strong foundation and there you have a love that will last forever. This analogy may only work because of my physics background but I’ll give it a try anyway. Those first few years of courtship and marriage had the unbridled passion of a forest fire; beautiful and destructive. But we took that energy and build the mechanism of communication and understanding around it. Now, instead of chaotic flames, we have a nuclear reactor of love that burns as hot as the sun.

If you didn’t get the analogy then try this; stop fucking so much and talk.

funny 341 Young Love, Dumb Love

Another Monday and we are gearing up for Summer at CoupleDumb. There is so much to do and so little time. Next week we will be doing a special radio show for Father’s Day because we believe in equal time. We are also planning a trip back to the motherland to see some old friends (no they aren’t old). It’s an exciting time for us with the Dysaffirmation book out, planning book signings and marketing, it’s almost like falling in love. But will it last?

Lee says: We talked about the science of love last week which elicited more questions than answers. If it’s so yummy falling in love, what makes it stop working? What’s the secret to making it to the opium high stage of love after 20+ years? If it feels so good to fall in love, isn’t it more pleasurable to be a serial lover and just stick around for a few months and move on? Why should you care about long term love?

Good questions and the answers are easier than you think. Society has obscured the answers with accepted dysfunction. The rush of love is there to preserve the species. It is imperative for reproduction for men and women to feel an affinity and it is better for humankind for the offspring to be parented and nurtured. What keeps us together is a deeper bond. Without developing a friendship, most couples are doomed.

Paul says: Lee and I became friends long before we were lovers. That way, even when we are not having, or trying to have, sex we still enjoy being together. That makes the remaining 23 hours and 50 minutes of the day so much more pleasant.

Lee continues: Society has made a big deal about opposites attracting. Sure they do and they probably cause major chemical reactions as well. Unfortunately, after a few months, that passion leaves and what you have left is two opposite people with nothing in common. Affinity. Common Goals. Common Interests. These are the things that keep a couple together. The chemicals are nice but fleeting.

Neurochemicals work like drugs by getting you ‘high’. Some drugs give you an initial high that is never achieved again. Therefore, you are always seeking that initial high. Love is the same way. The initial rush, excitement and euphoria is hard to get back when you begin a relationship. The goal, for some of us, is to maintain the relationship while we are in the chemical lulls. Some people make their exits as soon as the high goes. They leave to find the new high, new love. These people believe that the grass and high is always greener and higher somewhere else. However, their system, like a drug addict, is scarred. The ups and downs stunt the system and, emotionally, they become retarded; not understanding how to maintain a relationship.

These people are ultimately never fulfilled since they create no deeper bonds with anyone, just settling for the rush. Kind of like a 40-something year old who’s a pothead. Pathetic and lonely with only the young kids coming over to steal his stash.

Paul continues: And we still look for the rush. The trick is to find fun and healthy ways to get those neuro-juices flowing. I like Mac-on-Mom-before-the-kids-get-there as one of my favorite games. This, to me, is the important focus of the newly post newlywed, that time right after the first two years of marriage. The traditional vows call for ‘having and holding for better and worse’. Unfortunately, nobody knows what this means and how insidiously both better and worse can separate a couple.

It is when these forces are at play that you want someone that is in tune with your thinking, not just a long term booty call, but a partner to promote passionate, healthy, playful growth in this corporation that we call marriage. Opposites just leave and steal your credit cards.

Ebb and Flow

Young Love, Dumb Love

Discount Codes

Sites We Like

Search