So you want to get married….WOOHOO! It is Monday and CoupleDumb will be popping the question. However, before we pop the champagne and celebrate the impending nuptials, there are a few things to consider. This is the pre-wedding crash course and we will be sure to mix in some good ideas for weddings as well. But before we jump on the glass and yell Mazel Tov, we need to address the most basic of questions. Why the hell do you want to get married?

          Lee says: I don’t know what people are thinking. If you watch TV, movies or read any kind of print, you know what the running theme is regarding marriage. Marriage, by far, is seen as a life sentence without chance of parole in a Turkish prison and hirsute head guard. The prospect of marriage is regarded as a crazy, desperate and convenient move. We are reminded of having sex with the same person forever more and then proceed to be bombarded by jokes telling us that there are no conjugal visits in this gulag we call marriage. The funny part of all of this is that marriage is regarded negatively while the wedding, like sex, is seen as a thing of beauty, a rite of passage and ultimately, something you should try at least once, twice if you can do it on the beach.  

          Little girls all over the world are dreaming of the day where they can don a twenty pound dress, shellac their hair, put enough make-up on to make a whore blush and walk down the aisle being gawked at by that second cousin once removed that you can never remember his name but once at a birthday party he lifted up your skirt and you gave him a fat lip, all the while you have your eyes on your beloved who looks damn hot in that tuxedo and half of your grooms family gives you the evil eye because your mother-in-law told them about some argument that you and your betrothed had regarding the seating arrangement and she made it sound that you were the one who wanted to sit them near the exit. Yes girls, this is what we fantasize about. Of course, our fantasies aren’t those of a jaded woman like me. I’ve lived this. Not the cousin or in-law drama but something like it and I have been to enough weddings to know that I am not too far off the mark with this example.

          And yet, as mothers, we do nothing to quash this silly fantasy. This fantasy that allows us to make inappropriate love choices because that dress you have always wanted to wear will not be right for a woman in her 30s. It is like when doctors make residents work ungodly hours because they did it, even though studies show that the practice is dangerous for the patients. As women, we need to make some things clear to our daughters. If you are at a loss for words, let Aunty Lee do it for you:

          Dear Little Girl,

          Aren’t brides beautiful? Isn’t it wonderful how people look at her and she seems so happy? Well little lady, it’s mostly all fake. Yeah, some brides are really happy but most are smiling from the anxiety of getting to the reception because that shrimp is not getting any fresher. A wedding is a headache wrapped in a panic attack smothered with insomnia and stuffed in emotional overload. A wedding, for the most part, is a way to avoid focusing on the fact that you have chosen to live the rest of your life with some guy. Instead of figuring out the important stuff like how many kids and bills and sex and fair fighting, you talk about flowers and dressings and DJs. My advice, my little precious, is to invest in some good pre-marital counseling and elope. Love, Aunty Lee     

          Paul says: Any time that you folks need help in giving your children the truth about relationships, just have them read CoupleDumb. Just wait for the letter from Aunty Lee about the fallacies of sex. She tells them how to achieve orgasm. You can have them read along with you.