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There was a time when we believed that a seizure was caused by demons in our heads. To fix this, the people of old would pop a few holes in the possessed person’s head and let the demons out. Why are we bringing up malevolent spirits during wedding week? You would be surprised at the things that we do because some ancestor thought that it was a good matrimonial idea.
So here are 5 wedding traditions that might not be as romantic as you thought.
1. Brides wear white to symbolize purity, right? Wrong. The tradition of a bride wearing a pure white gown did not start until the mid 1800’s, which is relatively recent in modern history, with the wedding of Queen Victoria to Prince Albert of crank calling fame. She wore white not because she was making a statement on her purity but because she thought that she would look damn hot. By the way, all of her bridesmaids wore white too.
2. Since we are talking about wedding colors, why not blue? In the days before Queen Vicky busted out the white frock, women got married wearing something nice, Sunday best. If they wanted to do the whole symbolism thing, they might wear green for youth or purple for the courage of the soldiers in the Civil War or red for the independence sought by the colonists of the American Revolution. We actually think that blue is the best color. Blue means fidelity. We think that a blue dress with blue flowers for the woman and a blue tux for the man would be nice. Accent both with a blue hat, blue shoes, blue sox and that stuff that dentists use to make your teeth blue if you do not brush enough.
3. By the way, the veil, which some wedding websites consider to be the most exciting and romantic part of the ceremonial attire, means obedience to your husband. Are you going to wear a veil at your wedding?
4. In the days of old, the Scottish ancestors needed to mate outside of their tribe to avoid established incest taboos. So the ‘marrying type’ of man would go to a neighboring tribe and grab himself some nice wife material and if his father-in-law-to-be didn’t like it, he would need to be killed. Now carrying off an angry bride with good childbearing hips is a lot of work, especially if you are busy fighting off a tribe full of family members. The solution was to bring some friends with you to the ‘courtship’, preferably big friends with large swords. The biggest friend who killed the most in-laws was called your Best Man, as in the sentence ‘you bring your best man and I’ll bring my best man, and we will see who wins’. Also, the bride stands to the left of the groom so that he has his sword wielding hand free in case any surviving in-laws try to pull anything funny.
5. Of all of the traditions in this article, the stag party is one of the oldest. It dates back to the ancient Spartan soldiers who were having the party for exactly the same reason that we have it now. Amazing how men do not change, even over 2500 years.
There you have it. The foundations of the most beautiful day of your life as steeped in misinformation and some bloody violence. All of this information is to pound in the same point: stop focusing on the silly white dress and focus on the marriage that follows. This is just some loving relationship advice from CoupleDumb.
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It’s true someday your child will grow up and have relationships. This is a good thing. They will love and be loved and someday even marry. We hope they’re lucky and find a partner who loves, respects and honors them. We hope their heartache is minimal. Most parents usually neglect this education. We may make a big deal of teaching them about sex but we don’t even have public education to follow up on teaching them about marriage, relationships and being a good partner. This is why CoupleDumb has created the Top 5 Things to Teach your Kids about Marriage/Relationships:
1. Love does not hurt. We have spoken at great length about love and this is a point that must be drilled into every child’s head before they become passengers on the SS Co-dependence. Kids learn about love from two places; parents and media. Isn’t that scary? Can you imagine Edward and Bella are the love role models for our kids? Let us not forget that Mom and Dad have this nasty habit of taking each other for granted and using insults to maintain that lovely passive aggressive tinged tension.
2. Questions are a great way to get answers. In the game of love, he who has the most information wins. Get to know each other. Show interest in your partner and know that his/her second grade teacher inspired them to play the spoons. Learn about what was important to them growing up. Do they care about family at all? Does your mate like their parents? Most people would be surprised to find out what they don’t know about their partners. This is very important.
3. If you want something, ask for it (plus: Don’t hold your tongue). Your partner, for all the love they have for you, cannot read your mind. It is tiring for you and frustrating for them. Also, we learn (usually from watching our parents) that we should never be completely honest. While we agree that some things like how many people you have slept with does not need to be discussed, we do think that we need to be emotionally honest with our partners. This means if you do not like something, tell them. Do not spare their feelings because you are setting yourself up for years of the same over and over again.
4. Spontaneity is code for you are not enough. Life is hectic and with the pressures of a career, a couple can lose a lot of time trying to be spontaneous and creative. Romance is not only the domain of originality. There is nothing wrong with scheduling dates, sex or cuddling. Anyone that tells you differently are usually alone or in horribly dysfunctional relationships. You know we are telling you the truth. Demanding spontaneity is the equivalent as insisting on being treated as an equal. It’s silly.
5. Love is not enough. You may think that it is but it isn’t. This is one of those after school specials that were never green lit. You know, where the two teens decide to run away and build their lives together because they are in love but end up homeless, turning tricks for Lamont on the mean streets of Hollywood. The same results minus the homelessness and prostitution are true at any age. You cannot build a life solely out of love. Love is an emotion that often fosters other feelings like fealty and comradery. Love cannot ensure that people will work well together which is a foundational aspect of relationships.
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