Vulnerability - CoupleDumb

If you do not know what the pee-pee slapping dance is, then let me enlighten you. The male of the relationship steps out either fully naked or, at a minimum, nude from the waist down. With a rapid oscillation of his pelvis, he sets his genitalia into motion, making a slap as his penis whips to the left, then right, then left again. He does this for several seconds, ending in a Ta-da, before padding away to wherever he was, fulfilled at a job well done. The impact is best if the audience, or shall we call her the victim, is in some innocuous space like the kitchen or laundry room.

Paul says: Though we do not agree with the ‘Men are from Mars’ idiocy, Lee and I do see and acknowledge that men and women are different. Duh. Obviously, women are lacking the equipment to do the pee-pee slapping dance. Over our twenty years of marriage, I have done the dance many, many times and gotten varying reactions. I have gotten laughter, very infrequently apathy, and an analytical appraisal that led to some pleasant experimentation.

The acceptance of these differences is important because it opens up a whole new world of fascination and exploration. I have gotten to discover new parts and reactions that I do not have. I have said to myself, ‘I don’t have this. I wonder what it does’. Yes, I am talking about sex, but I am also extrapolating farther. While I am touching things that are foreign to me physically, I am also probing uncharted lands mentally.

And now we go back to the reoccurring themes of vulnerability and intimacy. It is one thing to be the prober, another to be the probee. With full knowledge that we are built differently and have reactions based on these differences, do you find it hard to lay naked , not touching, and answer questions about what you like and do not like? I know that I did. I still do. It sends me into a fit of unmanly giggling. It took me a long time to become emotive. There was a time that I didn’t know the names for the emotions that I felt. For me, it was easier to say ‘I Love You’ than it was to say ‘I’m scared when…’

This is not a one-sided ‘men need to emote more like women believe they do’ post. Women have their tricks too. That taking off the bra without removing the blouse thing that you do is fascinating to men. The brassiere, in general, is a constant source of giddiness for men. Any man that says that he has not run around with a bra on his head, like a makeshift space helmet, is lying. I encourage you ladies out there to try it. Put your bra on your head and run around the house, playing ‘universe queen, space hero’. I think that you will find it cathartic. Like sadness, fear and loneliness, remember that playfulness, delight and daring are emotions too.

Lee Says: I think this post was one big pee-pee slapping dance. As a woman, I find the male of our species fascinating. The first time I saw the dance, aside from shock, I felt not unlike Dian Fossey did while she lived with the gorillas. Even my sons, age 5 and 2, do the dance! Men are strange and stinky and beautiful and yummy and vulnerable and…. did I mention beautiful? Paul’s message of intimacy through vulnerability and exploration is so important that we must take a second and rinse the pee-pee slapping dance image out of your head. It’s O.K., I’ll wait.

Women are taught to please others at a very early age. When we are in relationship, we find that we lose ourselves by compromising our needs, acquiescing to our mates and faking an orgasm to make our partner feel good about them self. All of these behaviors only serve to make us more resentful and miserable. Exploring each others’ bodies and feelings are imperative to a healthy sex life. Never fake it! I can’t stress that enough. And, partners, don’t take it personally if she doesn’t come! If you do everything you can and she just doesn’t make it, well then try, try again. An orgasm is more than a slap and tickle and the female psyche and culture have more to do with a good orgasm than the right combination of diddling to thrusting ratio.

I think I will demand a command performance tonight. It has been a while since I have seen my husband do the pee-pee slapping dance. It won’t take much coaxing.

sharebookmarx The Pee Pee slapping dance and other cool tricks.

island Vulnerability Island (Like Survivor but with more tears)

We have talked about several important topics in our posts specific to creating and maintaining relationships. We have talked about prioritizing, choosing to love, communication, intimacy and whether or not KY Jelly Yours and Mine is worth the 20 bucks if you like a minty muff and numb dick. So what’s left to talk about?

Lee says: During a recent girl’s weekend (or what we affectionately call ‘Bitch Weekend’), one of my dear friends confessed that she wasn’t comfortable letting us meet her new beau because she acts differently with him than she does with us. The other bitches took this to mean that our pal was out of integrity, or for a less P.C. phrase: she was faking it with him. After I slipped on my therapist hat (oh, who am I kidding, that thing never comes off) and asked a few pointed questions, I came to the conclusion that she was being honest with all of us and that her new boyfriend was getting to see a side of her we see occasionally: vulnerability.

I have been accused on more than one occasion of being a bitch. I know that I have been called worse since I worked with drug addicts, sex offenders and adolescent girls. However, they don’t get to see all facets of me. The only person who does is my husband. Even though I am quite vulnerable with people and can have intimate experiences (with my clothes on), Paul is the only one who sees all of me. Now get you head out of the gutter and pay attention.

Most people create facades to hide certain aspects of their personality or past. They believe that who they are is not worth a second chance and consign that part of their being to hide while the mask goes on dates. The mask is there to protect, play games and manipulate. It also serves another purpose; it blocks you from creating intimacy and being vulnerable. We don’t realize that while seemingly protecting us it also ultimately makes the hurt worse but that is a topic for a future post.

Here we are talking about vulnerability and sharing it with your partner. No masks. No pretense. Mano a mano. We use words like partner, mate, spouse, husband, wife, lover and significant other to denote something special: We are on the same team. You share your secrets and strategies with that one person who, we hope, shares your goals or will support you in attaining your dreams. This is a true relationship. True couples do not compete with each other. They take their union and pit themselves against the world.

I see my husband as a peaceful island for me. I retreat to him to feel safe and relax. There are no airs or need to impress. He loves me. If there is a threat or a challenge we band together and take it on. Although the outcome may not always be favorable, we never lose because we have each other. To the world we may be the bitch or the geek, but to each other, we are home.

I think I’ll go cuddle with my hippy geek now. All this disclosure makes me feel all exposed.

Paul says: I love you, Pooky. (Can’t write now. Too busy cuddling.)