starting over

old lovers 230x300 Starting Over

          A couple of weeks ago, we had the rare opportunity to go to a conference. It was no ordinary conference since Disney was the host. We were treated like royalty from a room at the Polynesian Resort to entertainment to food and, of course, Disney tickets! The gifts were abundant and all of this to simply get us in the loop for all the wonderful events, programs and new adventures they are cooking up for the world. Of course, as we had written about before, the most important was the Give a Day, Get a Disney Day program where volunteers earn a free day at Disney.

          One of the best parts of this trip was talking with writers of all types. One of the first conversations we had was with the author of About.com Orlando beat, Theresa Johnston. The topic of conversation went from on-line dating to parenting to the topic of this week, starting over. We couldn’t believe we hadn’t written about it. No, seriously people, we had to go back in our archives to make sure since we knew we had discussed it umteen million times. So now that we know that we have totally neglected our core readership, here is the CoupleDumb take on starting over.

          Lee says: As a chick in her 40s now, I can see where entering the dating scene at this point in my life would be daunting. By daunting I mean it would be a fucking nightmare with Freddy Krueger and Chuck E. Cheese running after me with a butcher knife and tokens. I do not think I am exaggerating when I say that by the time a human hits there 40s, you have a sense of what you like and don’t like. You are more settled and less malleable. You are flexible only up until the point where it fits into your general idea of who you are.

          However, please do not assume my previous statement means that I believe that people over 40 are stuck. On the contrary! I know that the 40s is a freeing time where we start getting comfortable with the idea that we make the rules and we set the standards. We can look back at our younger years and see the wasted time on drama, poor boundaries and bad love. This is why the 40s is a great time to create a healthy relationship and find your partner.

          Wait a second. Before you dive in and think I’m saying that 40+ers are ideal mate choosers, I will caution you that if you have not reflected on your past mistakes and you continue to hunt in the same backyard for your soul-mate, you will always choose the wrong partner. Love and war are not different in these respects. If you do not learn from your history, you are doomed to repeat it and a life unexamined leads you to the same assholes (of course I am paraphrasing Satayana and Socrates here). There comes a moment in your life where you need to decide that the way you have always done it is wrong and to continue to do the same thing and expect different results is not only the definition of insanity but stupid.

          Then you have those who become reactionary. Those are the ones who need to have the exact opposite of what they had before. If your husband was an alcoholic womanizer, then you go after a teetotaling strict conservative who is so oppressive that you feel suffocated, making you long for the days where your husband would binge drink and come home smelling like whores. Reacting is as bad as shutting down all together. Some people feel that failing at love is tantamount to failing at life. They choose to take their ball and go home, never to love again.

          Love is very possible the second or third or fourth time around, but you need to do some work before diving into the dating pool again. Think of it as stretching before exercising or taking a refreshing, tearful and insightful walk down memory lane before you let someone into your space bubble. Heart ache is not pretty but the upside of risking is the possibility of finding someone who worships you for the god or goddess you are. I like to think that’s worth the trouble.

          Paul says: So, what I got from this post was that, if you are older than 39, you need to stretch before dating and do not hunt for your soul mate in your backyard. I assume that free-range soul mates are OK.

tight jeans opt 300x299 Junk, Ass and Relationship

          Like most couples, we have had our share of tragedies and sadness. However, unlike most couples, we have chosen to take those crises as opportunities to strengthen our relationship. And in all these years, we keep things fresh by revamping and reinventing our relationship. It should not take adversity to spur a couple to shake things up.

          Lee says: How many movies can you name where the main couple is starting over? Not many. The idea of going back to square one is scary to most people. Think of a board game like Parcheesi or Trouble or even Monopoly and how you felt every time your competitor would send you to the beginning or even jail. It feels like a failure. It is very disheartening to get so far and have nothing to show for it. You even think ‘Screw it! I don’t want to play anymore!’

          All of these feelings are found in couples who choose to begin their relationship anew. Most have more of a difficulty with the concept of being at the starting line than the prospect of breaking up or divorcing. They figure, if I need to start over and there is no guarentee to this relationship then I should just chuck it in and start fresh with someone else. The ego plays a huge role in this. The concept of failure weighs heavy on one’s pride and the ego will not stand idly by while you tell people that you and your spouse are starting over. That process implies that somewhere along the line, someone majorly fucked up the relationship.

          That is what we do. We look for who is to blame and why things are so bad. Who is the culprit? Who is the bad guy or girl? So this takes us to another rule in the process of re-creating a relationship.

          No blaming. Both partners must take full responsibility for everything.

          Woah! That’s a tough one! But if you think about it, it is the only way you will ever be able to do this. By taking responsibility, you are invested in the recreation and can move away from the original crisis event. It is the act of taking on the yoke and pulling your love out of the trap it is in. It’s a wild image but it is exactly what you are doing.

          Aside from all that, being (as in ‘being responsible’) is a verb. It is an action. If you were the one who was hurt or cheated on, responsibility will get you out of your pity party or bed or victim state and give you energy. This is vital if you are going to re-create anything. And, as you begin the process of building a new relationship, the need to blame and bring up the past when there is a speed-bump is allayed by knowing that you chose to take on this mission. You chose to forgive. You chose to be with this person despite what happened. Rebuilding is not just another opportunity to torture them for hurting you in the first place.

          Which brings me to the next rule:

          Be patient.

          This is going to take time. Think of it as breaking in a pair of jeans. It can be very distressing in the beginning but you know, if you stick it out, you will have something really comfortable that will last forever (or until it gets those rips in places where it is inappropriate to wear outside so you just wear them at home until you just can’t hide your ass or your junk falls out.)

          Paul says: I don’t know that I like comparing our marriage to an old pair of jeans. If my marriage becomes comfortable and my junk falls out… Well, you understand. That is a good way for me to lose my junk in a very, very painful manner. Instead, let’s us the analogy of a comfortable pair of underwear that gently caresses me while still giving firm support, that uplifts while giving room to grow.

          OK, I do not remember what we are talking about but I think that I need a cigarette.

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          We have been together for a while and yet there are times when it feels like we have just begun. In many ways, we continue to redefine who we are as a couple/corporation. Of course, this re-creation can be a little difficult when you add kids to the equation.

          Lee says: Being a kid of a broken relationship can be devasting. If they are lucky, they are ignored completely. In most cases, they become emotional pawns with the power of a Bishop and immobility of a King. I know, very poetic but what I’m trying to impress on each reader here is that the kids need your attention during re-building and don’t need to be involved in the details of the re-construction. I am so tired of how people twist the emotional wisdom of seeking their happiness which in turn will bring happiness to their kids. Yes it is true. If Mom and Dad are happy, the kids will usually be happy. However, if to be happy, the parent needs to galavant around ala Jon the ‘Douchebag’ Gosselin and act like a lothario or playboy, then that does not translate to a child’s joy. ‘Hey Daddy, how many whores did you bang last weekend?’ said in eight part harmony may sound pretty but is by no means healthy for a kid.

          Then you have those couples who feel the need to include their kids in their misery. My parents were like that. It was the tug of war of who do you love more that ultimately had me declare that I hated them both equally. Of course I was a teenager and, said with the appropriate shrill voice and hair toss as I stomped away, made the statement very dramatic. Your daughter does not need to know that Daddy cheated or the son doesn’t need to know that Mom has not wanted to touch his Dad in months. This is private and should stay that way.

          So while we are at it, let’s make this a rule:

          Keep the kids out of it!

          Do not share your dirty laundry with your kids! Do your own unmentionables! This is the kind of thing where a parent will justify telling their children things they shouldn’t with such nuggets as ‘They had the right to know’ or ‘They are members of the family’ or my personal favorite ‘I don’t lie to my children’. I call bullshit on all these! They may have the right to know but they don’t need to know. They are members of the family but they are not consulted when you make a major purchase are they? They do not have a vote in the bigger decisions, do they? So they have a special position where you should be protecting them from your stupidity. Lying to your child is not a neccesity. You can use this as an opportunity to teach them about responsibility.

          Anything else is the act of a victim. A victim seeks allies. A victim needs to tell their story to anyone who will listen. A victim will justify their abhorable behavior with almost plausible reasoning. ‘He had it coming’ and ‘They made me do it’ are all statements created by a victim. And as we mentioned before, beginnings and re-creating of relationships can only be done from a position of responsibility.

          I really encourage any couple, if they want to ‘start over’, to go seek professional help. You need a safe place to do the dirtier part of re-building. Consider the therapist as a building code inspector. They make sure you are building things to be safe and will stop construction if you have taken any short-cuts. We have also been known to take bribes or sides but do not hold that against the whole of the industry.

          Paul says: …or in other words, doing this makes your kids want to gouge out their own ears with a spoon. No child wants to know about their parent’s love life and they especially don’t want to know that you are bad at it. They do not want to know that daddy has a new mommy for you but has to pay her by the hour. Or that mommy has a hyperactive gag reflex. They just need to know that they are loved. Everything else is shit frosting on a yummy cake.

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