starting over » CoupleDumb

Hard Drive Heart Break

Feb 252010

This is an actual picture of Lee at the time of the demise.

          Thursday is here and we breathe a sigh of relief. We made it! This business of starting over is tough work and we have struggled with it all week. Maybe struggled is too harsh a word. Let’s just say we worked hard to come up with a fresh perspective on a tough subject. Whatever we say, there will be some readers who sit there with a metaphorical middle digit pointed at the screen the whole time and muttering ‘what the fuck do you know’. We are aware that we cannot appreciate the concept viscerally but we can empathize with those faced with starting over. No, seriously, we do get it.

          Lee says: In January, my computer crashed. She was getting on in age and I have to admit that I worked her to the bone. Sometimes I knew I wasn’t taking care of her, as I should. She stood by me through hundreds of hours of research, dozens of grants and reports, 2 and a ½ novels, one year worth of blog posts and countless drivel writing and social media updating. And I just kept working her. She crashed and I forced her to recover too quickly. Last week, she finally gave up and, from one moment to the next, she was gone. Fried. Dead.

          So now, I must begin again. However, before I jump into a new, long term relationship, I must take responsibility for my part in her death. My first realization was that I never named her. Yes, I broke our first relationship rule, ‘acknowledge your relationship’. Not only did I not appreciate her, I never bothered to name her! I name all my other partners. Right now, I am typing on Baby, our little 8” laptop that we take everywhere. I love Baby and sing her praises everywhere. Did I do that with my real computer? The one I did everything with and only considered things complete when she was involved? No.

          I also take responsibility for talking badly about her everywhere I would go. One ‘Don’t’ rule I broke regarding relationships. Instead of praising her for her tireless support, I talked smack about how slow she was and how she made my life impossible. My own impatience was more important than how she must have felt about my constant berating. Oh yeah, I admit to nagging her constantly. Tapping my foot while she tried to boot up or she took so long to catch up to my rapid fire style. I would boast of how I was too fast for her and she was old. I was so mean to her!

          I will also admit that my boundaries were less than perfect with her. O.K., I was horrible with her. Aside from a barrage of obscenities she had to endure, occasionally I had her look at certain web sites that would make a whore blush. Occasionally I would force her to multi-task so much she would freeze up under the pressure. Instead of caring for her and showing her compassion, I would yell at her and instead of taking the soft approach, I would hard boot the bitch and tell her to get back to work. I was mean and abusive.

          As I begin the search for a new companion, I must admit all these things and take responsibility for the demise of that relationship. The mistakes I made, if I continue on this path, will only create more frustration and heartache. I choose now to commit myself to a healthy relationship with my new partner. I will acknowledge them and tell the world of our love and respect for one another. I will give her a proper name. No, I will never use harsh words against her. I will not get into the habit of using a boot to get my way. I will be understanding and kind. I will encourage down time, provide her with healthy sustenance, and vaccinate her with appropriate viral protection. I will see us as equals and acknowledge my accomplishments as ours.

          So you see, I know exactly what you are going through. No one’s pain is worse than another. This is not a game of Bridge where everyone needs to trump the other. My pain is just as real as yours, if not more important since it is mine. I may not be emotionally ready for a new computer but at least I know what I need to work on. I am a work in progress and my work needs a computer. I promise to admit when I am over my head and time myself out when I am about to lose it. My best is all I can do.

          Paul says: In lieu of flowers, please send jump-drives to ‘Lee’s Dead Computer’ care of CoupleDumb.

Celebrity Smackdown: Starting Over ft. Brad Pitt

Celebrity Smackdown

Feb 242010

Nobody talks smack about Brad. (Except CoupleDumb)

Celebrities and relationships are a curious match. On the one hand, you have the perpetual playboys who would rather gnaw off their arm than commit to a relationship. On the other hand, you have those who have time-shares in Vegas Chapels and commit like its last call. Celebrity relationships are such a warped representation of coupling and when those pairs implode, which they overwhelmingly do, we are left to watch them prowl as they pick up the pieces and start over. Today’s Celebrity Smackdown is all about Celebs starting over but, stand back, this will get messy.

Lee says: I understand that relationships can be difficult and nearly impossible when you are living under the scrutiny of the limelight. I understand it on a cognitive level. I can also empathize with the pressure celebrities must feel having their privacy violated on a consistent basis by fans or paparazzi or law enforcement. But, let me get one thing perfectly clear, just because you live under the microscope of the media does not mean you have to behave like an infection. I mean, jeesh, is it that lonely out there that celebs have to be hooking up and breaking up every few minutes?

Celebs fall into two categories when it comes to starting over. The first category is the ‘If at first you don’t succeed’ crowd. You can identify these easily by the amount of wedding rings they own and how many last names they have. These are the folks who get married at the first sign of stomach flutter. Instead of ‘I like you’ they jump into ‘I do!’ Starting over for them is picking out new china patterns while registering again at Macy’s. The average celeb usually is married a few times before death. Of course, honorable mention is given to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Elizabeth Taylor, both knock outs when they were younger, who have 17 marriages with 15 men between them. They are not alone in the philosophy of mending a broken heart with wedding cake and a honeymoon.

The second category of celeb is the ‘breaks are for suckers’ group. You know the kind of celeb who is photographed walking on a beach one day with their spouse and the next he is seen in a photo spread playing house with another woman. These guys have issues Brad Pitt. These guys don’t even let the sheets get cold next to them. These men have such an issue with being alone that they will fill their lives and surround themselves with people or children. Sound familiar? Look, I have no issues with love and I know it is a magical thing. But, it just doesn’t happen if you aren’t open to it! You can’t inadvertently ‘fall in love’ with someone if you aren’t inviting that person over for some vulnerability and intimacy. So don’t pull that crap of ‘The heart wants what it wants’ with me, Brad! The heart understands commitment but a roving eye understands the new conquest.

Have you wondered why you feel that starting over is so difficult? It’s the media! Think about it. What are the images you have of starting over? Is it Carol and Mike Brady uniting their perfectly matched families and creating a whacky bunch of love and togetherness? Or is it Dick Van Patton and his mormonesque brood of eight getting remarried. Let’s face it, according to TV, starting over involves way too many kids! I would consider a life of a celibate ascetic who is forced to rip out my own hair before I had to unite my three kids with some guys three kids and then try to be a romantic couple while these said children ran around boundary-less in the neighborhood. Come on Brady’s, you never noticed that the kids were making fringed outfits for a talent show? I just can’t be that mom or wife.

All I ask is for a little discretion. All I ask is for celebrities to see that they are seen as role models (I have no idea why, people, they just are). The 40 something year old person is coming back into the dating world and you guys are making it look like a buffet. It’s not. It’s slim pickings out their if you are looking for a healthy guy or girl. It’s not like the celebrities are doing anything like therapy between marriages or hook-ups, unless we count rehab. A makeover is not what is needed between relationships. Changing your hair color will not fix your unhealthy behaviors or thought patterns that stem from your childhood issues.

Life does not work with a story arc all the time. You don’t meet Mr. Perfect in the first act, fall in love in the second, lose him in the third and find Mr. More Perfect in the final act. There is so much more to it. Where is the act where you get your shit together or spend some time alone, Brad? When do you check your very Brady life and decide that being cool and having hideous facial hair is not enough and a little psychotherapy is in order. If not for your fear of being alone, how about you see a therapist to discuss the ode to ZZ Top thing you have on your chin. I’m not picking on you; I just think more Joe Black and less Tyler Durden. Yes, Tyler was sexy and ripped but Joe had that innocence and was committed. Either way, no facial hair! I guess this is the message of this post, Brad. Trim it or Shave it. Oh yeah, and something about starting over.

When kids do not get a vote.

Kids and why you can't kill them

Feb 232010

We do not condone smacking your children...much.
          Tuesdays on CoupleDumb are usually devoted to children and the little day-to-day nightmares that those adorable blessings can heap upon us. So, what does starting over with a later in life relationship have to do with your children? Nothing. That’s the point.

          Paul says:   You will notice that there is an underlying theme as we talk about starting over. There is an assumption that the people starting over have the ability to look back on their lives and see what worked and what didn’t. If you have no concept of causality, if you have no clue why you keep waking up on the other side of the room after sticking your finger in a light socket, then calling your process ‘starting over’ is a misnomer. Starting over does not have an Alzheimer quality to it.

          Every person that I know who has ever begun a new relationship, especially later in life and after other failed relationships, have had the same question: how is this going to be different? Of course, in our unhealthy and uninsightful society the caveat to that question is… and how can I have something totally different without changing anything about me.

          What does all of this have to do with children? Simple. Our kids, also known as the symptoms, are the perfect indicators of the health of the family system. Let’s take one of the common ‘starting over’ problems as an example; the kids do not like your new love interest. This is the stuff of sitcoms and after school specials. The kids vehemently hate daddy’s new chippie and do everything that they can to get rid of her, including gluing her to a bus and sending her to Albuquerque. Of course on TV, the woman is a shrew that would make Hera look patient and the dad is a moron. At the end, dad is back together with the kids mom and everybody lives happily ever after.

          Sure, art mirrors reality but we all know that that shit doesn’t happen. And, by the way, if you are getting your life lessons from sitcoms then you need to seriously up your meds. Instead, what we have when the kids dig in and tell the adult with whom they can and cannot be in a relationship is a lack of boundaries. This is not something that happened overnight and it really has nothing to do with the new person in your life. Somewhere along the line, you gave your kids the message, the permission, that they dictate who you bump uglies with. I am using the term bump uglies because it is my favorite euphemism for sex and it makes me giggle every time that I say it but this includes holding hands, kissing, whispering sweet nothings, and walking on the beach.

          Starting a new relationship when you already have children is bound to test boundaries to the limit. The kids do not need to like mommy’s new love but they do need to understand that mommy likes him. And mommy needs to understand that as well. This is your boy toy, not theirs. And daddy is not bringing home a new mommy.

          On the upside, children are resilient and innately loving, all evidence to the contrary aside. When they see a happy healthy parent in love with a happy healthy new friend, they will fall in love also.

            Lee says: So to summarize, don’t take relationship advise from sitcoms, Daddy’s new chippie is none of the kids business, you can’t start over if you have amnesia, you need to change to really start over, boundaries with your kids is important and anything remotely sexual makes Paul giggle.