should - 2/2 - CoupleDumb

swingkid 300x266 The shoulds of parenting.
          It’s Tuesday and you should know that this week we are discussing a dirty word. Is it the dreaded ‘F’ word that will get you fined on the radio? Nope. Is it the ‘C’ word that makes women cringe and grab the closest bat? Nope. It is the ‘S’ word and we ain’t talking shit. That’s right! We are talking the dreaded ‘should’ and as parents we are so full of them it may as well be the other ‘S’ word.
          Lee says: I would like to take a moment in the beginning to ask the Mom’s in the audience a question. How many things did you give up when you were pregnant? You know, things like sushi, tuna, alcohol, traveling after a certain point, certain physical activity, risky things like road rage. For 9 months we literally went without some of our favorite things so that our babies would get the best chance possible. Sure, this wouldn’t guarantee perfection but it would limit toxic or traumatic causes to ruin the baby. As Mommies, we were more than happy to put our babies first.
          But, what would have happened if one day you broke down a little and took a bite of your husbands tuna sandwich or popped a California roll in your mouth because you just wanted one bite? That’s right! The wagging fingers and morality and Musterbating Police would have started waging a war of guilt on you the likes that have never been seen. What I’m saying is that as parents, these self-appointed, self righteous assholes do not stop at pregnancy. They keep judging and Shoulding us every chance they get. It doesn’t get easier.
Self-Righteous Asshole: Is Bobby taking any other classes other than Kindergarten? (Eyebrow raised in disapproval)
Me: Sure, he’s taking AP Physics and Calculus. We are a little bummed he didn’t make varsity dodge ball but there’s always next year.
          I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have a minimum level of care for a child but please remember, the only thing your Mom didn’t do when she was pregnant with you was shoot up dope and I’m not too sure about that. You had no car-seat, helmet or pads and you made it. She fed you processed foods, white flour and sugar in the morning, afternoon and evening and you survived. You didn’t learn another language until high school and the only thing you can say is ‘Where is the bathroom’ in Spanish and you aren’t lacking. I’m saying let’s stop shoulding parents and let’s start supporting each other.
          I, for one, will stop shoulding you if you stop shoulding me. Well? Have to go make dinner. It’s hot dog and Cheetos night at the CoupleDumb home. I think I’ll give them cubes of sugar for dessert.
          Paul says: The 1950’s demands of fatherhood have changed significantly but the shoulds have not. A dad should be involved with their children but not too involved. A dad should work hard and still be at every game, recital and spelling bee. A dad should be an equal parent but always a little less than mom. After all, we didn’t push the kid out of our peepee hole so how can we have a bond like a mother does? I’m trying to be sardonic here but I do think that if we got a handful of moms and dads together, there would be an antiquated underlying belief that mom should be ever present and dad should be responsible but distant.
          The shoulds for a dad, just like for a mom, do nothing but create inadequacy and fear. After Ricky was born, I was working in downtown Miami, about an hour away with good traffic. It was a corporate non-profit position and I was the chief financial officer. For me, this was an awful time. No matter where I was, I should be somewhere else. When I was at home, I felt that I should be at work. When I was at work, I felt that I should be at home. Since I could not shake off the shoulds, and the cloning machine was broken, Lee and I did what we needed to and pimped me out to the church job that was much closer to home and the topic of a week’s worth of other posts.

robotnurse 300x215 Musterbating: Not as fun as it sounds.

          We should probably welcome you to a new week and say nice things like ‘nice to have you back’. We should probably also add something pithy and amusing to update you on any new development with our book or the website. And, we should probably, at this point, start ramping up our topic for the week with a set up and then smart ass line. However, we’re buried under all these ‘shoulds’ and can barely reach the keyboard. Do us a favor? Call our local rescue people and tell them to send us some snacks and coffee. Come on. You should be nice!

          Lee says: I should probably warn you that one of my favorite Psychologists is Albert Ellis. I should also tell you that Ellis developed the theory and practice of Rational Emotive Therapy. In this theory, dysfunction is created by irrational beliefs about the world, others or yourself. These beliefs manifest themselves as language, behavior and views of reality. So, you’re thinking, ‘What’s the big deal?’

          Some of the cool stuff Ellis talked about was the language we use. Not the potty mouth stuff I spout off every chance I get (BTW-Ellis was a potty mouth too!) but the words we use to create anxiety in us. He noted that words like ‘should’ and ‘must’ were self imposed imperatives that caused lots of negativity. ‘I should be happy’, ‘The world should be fair’, ‘I must succeed’. These words leave little wiggle room and the chances that these statements will be fulfilled are nil. Ultimately, these words would just cause colossal mind fucks. So Ellis would hammer away at a person’s ‘musterbation’ until the client realized that they caused the negative emotion and they can change it. EASY!

          So here is where I should probably share some of my musterbatory activity. Here is where I should share some messed up shit that I do so that everyone feels better, right?

          In my family, I am the party person. I tend to make sure things are getting together and, more specifically, I tend to cook at the get together. I feel that I should cook since my family enjoys that. I spend so much time preparing and cooking that I often miss the festivities. Then, I get pissed because if it weren’t for me, nothing would get done. So, do you see where my problem is here?

          I have created this belief that all get togethers are my responsibility. I have created a series of shoulds to make sure that at the end of a party, I will be angry at the very people who I felt preferred my cooking. I make myself miserable instead of telling the family, ‘Deal with it! Chef Lee is taking a break and drinking a whiskey sour on the patio!’ I wasn’t doing this sometimes. I was doing this all the time!

          Since I decided to look at this incredibly unhealthy and stupid behavior I noted some beliefs that were supporting this dysfunctional habit. I believed that putting myself in the middle of all the birthday parties and other festivities would make me invaluable to my family. I believed that my cooking made me indispensable. And, the worst of them all, I believed my family would stop inviting me if I did not heavily participate in the coordination of all social gatherings. Depressing, isn’t it?

          I’m doing better. I am still going to parties but I am aware of what I am doing and choosing to participate through cooking planning. I am making an effort to let other family members do what they can to make our celebrations memorable. Sure, we’re probably going to be eating cheese logs and mini weenies but we’ll be together and I won’t be pissed.

          Paul says: I love musterbating. Oh what, it’s the other thing that sounds like that that I like doing. Maybe I should read the first part of the post before I write my stuff.

sharebookmarx Musterbating: Not as fun as it sounds.

The shoulds of parenting.

Musterbating: Not as fun as it sounds.

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