Sex - 3/17 - CoupleDumb

Real Relationship Advice

The Unicorn. The Yeti. The Female Orgasm. Three of the most elusive things that have been thought myth but some people swear by them. The Female Orgasm is considered useless because it serves no purpose in the sexual act. While a man’s orgasm is the delivery system for one of the ingredients in creating life, the female orgasm does not help or hinder baby making. In fact, Female Sexual Dysfunction is so common that many scientists believe that it isn’t a dysfunction at all! Perhaps we aren’t meant to enjoy sex like men. Perhaps we are just there as a receptacle and hopeful carrier of the male seed to produce more males who will continue this cycle. And perhaps the scientists are thinking about the orgasm completely wrong.

Science has been good enough to note that relaxation is the number 1 contributing factor to being able to achieve an orgasm. However, the concept of being relaxed is a lot more complicated than a deep breath and recitation of a mantra. Relaxation has several components that must be present or you just can’t achieve it. As we have mentioned in our relaxation series on Thursdays, the most important part of being relaxed is trusting. In the milieu of bed gymnastics, this is imperative. If you do not trust your partner then you will not achieve an orgasm. If you do not trust yourself, you will not achieve an orgasm.

Furthermore, women are socialized about sex differently. In the old days, the scientific community believed that schizophrenia was caused by the maternal double bind. A double bind is where you receive two or more conflicting messages where they ultimately negate each other. If the old theory of schizophrenia were true, all women would be sexual schizophrenics. We are told that our virginity is golden and then are told by our peers that virginity is tantamount to a curse. We are told that good girls don’t but those who don’t are cockteasers. We are told by our lovers that sex will strengthen the relationship and then after find out that we are no longer respected because we ‘gave it up’. We are constantly fed these two messages as we grow up and then when we reach womanhood we hear that we should be having sex with our partners, we are responsible for our orgasms and we should enjoy ourselves. However, with 20 years of misinformation mixed with trauma and a smidge of confusion, how are we supposed to be the vixens we are expected to be?

Science has also not explored the detrimental effect of shame on sexual health. A person who carries shame cannot allow such intense pleasure as an orgasm. If you carry any kind of shame surrounding your sex life, gender, body image, past experiences or even your own ineptitude, you will not be able to trust enough to relax enough to be able to achieve climax. Shame will work against you by reminding you, distracting you and eventually killing your ardor.

Female Sexual Dysfunction affects over 43% of all women. The psychological and physiological factors of Female Sexual Dysfunction are treatable but the first step would be to identify that you have a problem and that you deserve better. Ultimately, lack of worthiness is probably the biggest culprit in the quest for the Big O. When we try so hard for so long, sometimes we give up especially when the one who will benefit the most is ourselves. This is not intended to be ‘punny’ but achieving an orgasm really necessitates a large dose of self love. Without this, why would we go through the bother?

Real Relationship Advice

Sex Education is many things but thorough is not one of them. Sex Education is taught primarily in most public schools in grades 4/5, 7/8 and high school. The curriculum varies throughout the US but focuses on certain topics involving sexuality specifically gender roles, relationships, avoiding pregnancy and STDs. The only mention of orgasm is when discussing ejaculation and the possible pregnancy that may ensue. Sex Education never covers the topic of pleasure because that is considered either to personal or just awkward to discuss why people do it in the first place. So why do we find it weird that people do not understand the ‘what and why’ of an orgasm?

Sex is a noun and a verb. The act of sex is one of the most confusing, controversial, talked about and misunderstood verbs in the world. People develop these understandings about it based on books that mention it in passing and live their lives believing in some sense that they comprehend it. People base their understanding on their experiences, negative or positive, and then label all sex accordingly. People misuse, abuse and rationalize the who, what, and why of sex every moment of every day. And yet, we don’t bother to teach our kids the reality of sex.

If CoupleDumb were in charge of the world and we had the opportunity to revamp Sex Education, these are some concepts we would teach the kids (now, we always encourage parents to jump in and teach your children about these things. If you are too chicken shit to do this, find an aunt, uncle or friend who will.)

1. Sex is fun: Kids learn through understanding innuendo and just their own masturbatory experiences that sex can be fun. The problem is that this is some bad kept secret in society because we never tell our kids just that. Perhaps we are afraid that if we tell them it’s fun they will treat it like that new Wii game they got for Christmas that they played constantly for 7 days until you took it away like it was crack. Explaining that sex is a source of pleasure for mature adults who take precautions not only to prevent pregnancy but also to transmit diseases is a lot different than sex is a hedonistic free for all. Explaining that two consenting adults who care for one another engaging in sex responsibly may not sound sexy but realistically, we know that that is when the truly good sex happens.

2. Sex can be beautiful/Sex can be dangerous: Mom’s, you need to explain to your daughters that their orgasm is important. Women grow up with the understanding that our orgasms are optional. As long as our man orgasms and we feel that we shared some intimacy, sex is awesome. We need to tell our daughter’s differently (catch CoupleDumb tomorrow for more on this topic). We need to explain to our kids that sex is not a weapon, a toy or something to impose on or deny to someone.

3. When you have a problem with sex, speak with someone: The shame we carry when discussing our personal sexual experience is overwhelming. Sure, sex as an abstract topic is scintillating and can make for fun conversations. We tend to draw the line when our own sexcapades are broached. If all we want as parents is for our children to be happy then we need to understand what our kids understand about sex so that someday they can lead fulfilling lives as adults. If our children carry shame, confusion or just plain do not get the mechanics of sex, it is our responsibility to explain it to them.

There are so many things we can teach our children that schools just do not have the time, money or relationship to teach them. It is our jobs as parents to put away our childishness and explain sex ed like a practical course and not philosophy. If our children’s happiness is one of our main priorities than teaching them the birds and bees better involve a discussion on orgasms and love.

Real Relationship Advice

Being tired is not new to men. Back in the 50’s, a man was responsible for bringing home the bacon and all household concerns were the wife’s job. Today, a man is still expected to work but also contribute equally to the rearing of his children. A man is being held responsible for parenting and the men who take this on are tired. The absentee Dad of the past is no longer tolerated in most circles. Today’s Dad needs to work, succeed, coach soccer/little league, attend recitals and fix booboos all while chasing his wife around and being the sexual aggressor in the marriage. Anything less and he is a disappointment.

When it comes to sex, women are considered a conundrum dipped in an enigma and festooned with confusion. While men are what you see is what you get. Some common beliefs are that men are always ready, indiscriminate, not responsible for their ravenous sex drive and, as proven by Charlie Chaplin, fertile from their first wet dream to their last breath. The truth is that this is not all true. Sure, there are men who could be characterized as walking erections but the vast majority of men who enter into relationships can understand a deeper connection.

The Male Sexual Response:

The Excitement Phase: The phases are the same as women and in many respects the same physiological processes are in play. The Excitement Phase is all about blood flow. As a man becomes excited his blood pressure rises, heart and breath rates increase, blood flow increases to his genitals, his penis becomes erect and he may excrete pre-ejaculatory fluid (physiology is amazing- this fluid is natural lubricant!). Like women, this phase can take minutes or hours and can be accomplished with clothing on and can be elicited by a conversation, a photo or just the smell of perfume.

The Plateau Phase: This phase is the buildup prior to ejaculation. This phase looks a lot like the excitement phase with the added increase in penis size as the man becomes fully erect. As this phase approaches the next, the scrotum is drawn into the body which is a means to propel the semen further (like cocking a gun). This phase is the actual intercourse phase.

The Orgasm Phase: This phase is characterized by the release of sexual tension and ejaculation. A man’s orgasm is characterized by contractions of the base of the penis for the expulsion of semen and spasms throughout his body. (NOTE: Men do have ‘better’ (defined as more intense or longer) orgasms when the excitement and plateau phases are extended).

The Resolution Phase: This Resolution Phase is characterized by the loss of erection, heart and breath rates returning to baseline and a general sense of relaxation and satisfaction. The Resolution Phase varies for men. Men require a refractory period after sex before they can do it again. This period can be minutes to hours. Some men have refractory periods that last days. This period is dependent on many factors including age, health and whether the man has been drinking. Unlike a female response, multiple orgasms are just not possible for men.

There have been studies regarding extending the orgasm phase for men but in reality the orgasm is not extended as much as the plateau phase is intensified without allowing the man to ejaculate. This process takes a lot of time and should be done only when the couple is assured no interruptions. In other words, this is vacation sex not Tuesday night after NCIS sex.

A question for men: Has your sexual response changed over the years?

Have you ever used anything to increase your stamina?