Like most couples, we have had our share of tragedies and sadness. However, unlike most couples, we have chosen to take those crises as opportunities to strengthen our relationship. And in all these years, we keep things fresh by revamping and reinventing our relationship. It should not take adversity to spur a couple to shake things up.

          Lee says: How many movies can you name where the main couple is starting over? Not many. The idea of going back to square one is scary to most people. Think of a board game like Parcheesi or Trouble or even Monopoly and how you felt every time your competitor would send you to the beginning or even jail. It feels like a failure. It is very disheartening to get so far and have nothing to show for it. You even think ‘Screw it! I don’t want to play anymore!’

          All of these feelings are found in couples who choose to begin their relationship anew. Most have more of a difficulty with the concept of being at the starting line than the prospect of breaking up or divorcing. They figure, if I need to start over and there is no guarentee to this relationship then I should just chuck it in and start fresh with someone else. The ego plays a huge role in this. The concept of failure weighs heavy on one’s pride and the ego will not stand idly by while you tell people that you and your spouse are starting over. That process implies that somewhere along the line, someone majorly fucked up the relationship.

          That is what we do. We look for who is to blame and why things are so bad. Who is the culprit? Who is the bad guy or girl? So this takes us to another rule in the process of re-creating a relationship.

          No blaming. Both partners must take full responsibility for everything.

          Woah! That’s a tough one! But if you think about it, it is the only way you will ever be able to do this. By taking responsibility, you are invested in the recreation and can move away from the original crisis event. It is the act of taking on the yoke and pulling your love out of the trap it is in. It’s a wild image but it is exactly what you are doing.

          Aside from all that, being (as in ‘being responsible’) is a verb. It is an action. If you were the one who was hurt or cheated on, responsibility will get you out of your pity party or bed or victim state and give you energy. This is vital if you are going to re-create anything. And, as you begin the process of building a new relationship, the need to blame and bring up the past when there is a speed-bump is allayed by knowing that you chose to take on this mission. You chose to forgive. You chose to be with this person despite what happened. Rebuilding is not just another opportunity to torture them for hurting you in the first place.

          Which brings me to the next rule:

          Be patient.

          This is going to take time. Think of it as breaking in a pair of jeans. It can be very distressing in the beginning but you know, if you stick it out, you will have something really comfortable that will last forever (or until it gets those rips in places where it is inappropriate to wear outside so you just wear them at home until you just can’t hide your ass or your junk falls out.)  

          Paul says: I don’t know that I like comparing our marriage to an old pair of jeans. If my marriage becomes comfortable and my junk falls out… Well, you understand. That is a good way for me to lose my junk in a very, very painful manner. Instead, let’s us the analogy of a comfortable pair of underwear that gently caresses me while still giving firm support, that uplifts while giving room to grow.

          OK, I do not remember what we are talking about but I think that I need a cigarette.