THE Relationship Blog
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Apr 072011
THE Relationship Blog
So now that you know what a relationship is, you may be asking yourself, ‘CoupleDumb, what are the rules for healthy relationships?’ (Seriously, call us Lee and Paul or Mr. and Mrs. Reyes-Fournier. CoupleDumb is so formal.) We have set down some rules here before but some bear repeating since it seems that people are still making mistakes in relationships. We’ll start out slow and finish with a bang!
1. Always be yourself.
This one should be obvious. This is why that silly book about rules is so stupid (in our humble opinions). When you pretend to be someone you are not, sooner or later you will either slip up and forget you are playing a part or end up resenting the object of your affection because they ‘made’ you pretend to be someone else. This means that if you are someone who is loud and funny and bawdy and …well, Lee, then be yourself from the first date. Let’s face it, pulling out that girl on the fourth date is a bit of a shock. Let him know what he is getting into. Men, the same goes for you too. Be the best you possible. If you are sweet and sensitive and quirky and squirrely and …well, Paul, then be you from the first date. She will either love you or not. Think of it like this. If you went to buy a house and the place you liked had a pool and great Kitchen Aid appliances and when you moved in you found the kitchen is stripped and the back yard has a mossy puddle filled with mosquitoes, you would be pissed, wouldn’t you?
2. If it’s to be, it’s up to me.
A relationship does not rest on one person’s shoulders. Both participants are responsible for the life, progression and death of a relationship. It is never his fault or her fault. The responsibility always lies on both of them. Inasmuch as we would like to play the traditional games of waiting for him to ask you to dance or for a date, that pressure is too much for anyone to handle. This is not to say that men cannot deal with pressure but the reality of rejection is ever present. Therefore, take the initiative and ask him! If he gets weird about a girl asking him out, he is an asshole and not worth your phone number. A good guy will always welcome a woman asserting herself. An insecure Neanderthal will take it as a kick in the nads. For both men and women, never sit nervously waiting for the other to make a move. Take responsibility. Anxiety is a state of neurosis that is only quelled with resolution and answers.
3. Honesty is always the best policy.
Communication is not overrated. At the end of the day when you are too tired to rock each other’s world the only thing you can do is talk. When you communicate with each other, be vulnerable, share your secrets and always take responsibility for your feelings. Remember, he/she cannot make you feel anything. So when you feel crappy you say, ‘When you (fill in the blank), I feel (use a feeling word here). This reminds me of when (go into your past to when you felt that way. Note why they are triggering you. This is an issue you need to work on). ‘ Speaking to each other this way opens you up for even deeper growth as a couple and an individual.
4. Have a lot of fun sex!! (We said we would end with a bang!)
Relax and enjoy each other. Sex is not a weapon and it isn’t the only way to make love. It is a way for a couple to enjoy each other and create a different kind of intimacy. Talk about sex. Keep the conversation going all the time. Develop looks to tell each other it’s on! If there is an issue, deal with it immediately! And when you have sex, laugh a lot! That is the best part of sex (aside from the orgasm)! So many exclamation marks! Woohoo!
Relationships are not complicated or serious or mysterious or any of those other stupid words we use to make things more difficult that they really are. Relationships are a connection. We choose how deep we want them to be. It is always our choice. If you choose for our relationship to be magical, full of laughter and a love of the ages, then so be it.
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Apr 062011
THE Relationship Blog
Human beings do not grow in solitude. We are social creatures who evolve in relationships. If you think about any time you feel in your lifetime that you have grown, matured or developed, it was because of a relationship. It is amazing to us that people don’t see this. A lot of people see relationships as a vehicle to having sex or a solution to loneliness. Relationships are so much more than that.
However, if you go to Hollywood, relationships are like Kleenex. In the tinsel city, people are literally 6 degrees of separation from everyone else because of less than healthy boundaries. Before you start to point fingers, we will point out that most of these people have deep loneliness issues that are only assuaged by serial lovers. This is a serious condition that can only be fixed by quickie romances followed by sex scandals and a parade of anonymous dick/vagina. Yeah, this is a serious issue.
Where we get confused with relationship is where healthy intersects with dysfunctional. You know where you say, ‘wow, I love you’ and ‘I can’t live without you and you won’t live without me….bang bang bang!’ We have traded definitions. What is unhealthy is considered in common nomenclature as normal. Like when someone stalks you. In some places in this fine country, stalking is akin to Romeo wooing Juliet except for the iambic pentameter and tights. Stalking, compulsive texting, hitting, crying and arguing ad nauseam is considered love in some parts. Hell, watch any episode of Disney live action stuff and you will see what I mean.
Not only that, you hear the stories of love from the media. We don’t think that we are being generalists when we say that the media only knows to portray an unhealthy relationship as standard and healthy communication between couples as comedy. Sure, we will be the first to admit that some of the Imago dialogues make us laugh (He: When you fall asleep without saying goodnight I feel unloved. She: I hear you say that when you fall asleep without me saying goodnight you feel unloved.) because it’s a little stilted but that couple is communicating! Talking is only about ‘did you pick up the dry cleaning’. It is the ugly stuff we tuck under our hats or ram under our beds so that no one knows how we feel that is real communication. It isn’t vomiting 20 years of pent up frustration either.
A relationship is a connection. In this connection, we can choose to maintain a boundary that keeps the connection on an acquaintance basis or loosen up those walls until we are sharing almost the same space. The connection is the key. To maintain it, we treat this connection with respect. We honor and cherish this connection. Perhaps you would be surprised to find out the number one complaint of any kind of relationship is ‘being taken for granted’. Do you know why we do that? It is very simple. We like to believe we are immortal. The moment we understand the finiteness of life we tend to care a little more about our connections. For example, the moment a person dies, the family, for a brief time, is closer.
Why? Why do we need to be reminded of life’s transitory nature to appreciate what we have? Well, you don’t really. You can love them now. You don’t have to wait for a tragedy or issue or fight or drama to give your relationships the respect they deserve. So go ahead, text your loved ones right now and say ‘I love you. I am thinking of you.’ It will totally freak them out.
