Naughty and Nice » CoupleDumb

WTF of the Week: Evil Tweeters

Dec 192009

Not sexy!

          Social Media Moms have been quite busy this year. Building empires and creating a new language that is actually having the government take note of us. Also, there has been some serious in-fighting which, quite frankly, has me baffled. Instead of supporting one another, we clique up like some All Girl High School where cattiness and bitchiness are required courses. I, for one, am not playing this game. I went to Catholic school, bitches. I cut my teeth on perky cheerleaders who promised their virginity to God and gave it up during Homecoming. You don’t scare me.

          Earlier this week, tragedy struck Twitterville. On Tuesday we learned of the horrible death of @Military_Mom 2 year old son. The mother, who I can only assume was devastated, asked her twitter friends to pray for her son. Immediately, there were calls for support and within seconds, there were thousands praying and within hours, a fund was created to support Shellie Ross and her family. But just as quickly as the community came together, some women thought that their opinion, judgments and random bullshit was pertinent during this time of grief.

          This WTF is directed towards the evil bitches who chose to send @Military_Mom words of hate and cruelty. This WTF is dedicated to the sub-human soulless cows who felt the need to violate a mother during her worst nightmare. What I need to know is this, how does it feel to be devoid of even basic human emotions? How does it feel to be self-righteous vultures who swoop in during the darkest moments? All I know is that if ever any of you whores spout your crap at me or any of my loved ones, I will hunt you down, find you and dispose of you where even dental records will not be able to identify the bodies. Oh, and let’s not forget the New York Times. The Old Grey Lady decided these ogres were right and took the time to print a slanderous piece on @Military_Mom. Wow, that’s some great non biased reporting. Where are you getting your leads these days? Fox News? Personally, I think it’s time for the Old Grey Lady to be euthanized.

          So here is where I get to rant a little since I am writing this at 2:24am on my birthday! What the Fuck, Ladies? I have only been in the game less than a year and have very few relationships in this Social Media world. I see myself hanging out on the sidelines while all of you dance. A lot of you have met at conferences and created deep bonds and I will admit that that makes me slightly envious. But in these months I have seen some really nasty shit and all I have to say is stop it! From the Dooce drama to those who, for whatever personal reason, could not find something nice to say to Anissa Mayhew or the chick with the TSA crap and now Military Mom, this needs to stop. All I ask is that we be human to each other.

          I’m not saying to kiss everybody’s ass and pretend that we love each other. What I am saying is that some of you are creating these feelings about women you don’t know, have never met and probably never will and fighting it out for all of us to watch. I think it’s pathetic that you would allow any of this twitter or bloggy shit to upset you. Frankly, I don’t give a shit. However, if a human being calls for prayers or is ill or suffers a tragedy on the order of the things that have happened this year, if you don’t have nothing nice to say then shut the fuck up! Empathy is not difficult if you stop being petty.

          So please support Military Mom. Go to this site and do what you can . My birthday wish is that you all be nice to one another. Santa is watching!

Lee's a bitch. Merry Christmas.

Reader's Questions

Dec 112009

Lee dealing with a stupid person. (I am soooo going to get my ass kicked for that one.)

          It’s the second Friday of December and we can officially start the Christmas partying. Businesses, clubs and friends are all putting on their festive wear and celebrating not only the wonder of the season but the end of the year as well. Technically, this could be your last day of real work since next week your mind and heart will already be on holiday. CoupleDumb is like everyone else except our Christmas party is just the two of us and fraternizing next to the copy machine is business as usual.

          Lee says: This week we have been talking about naughty and nice things and I have been saving this shocker for today. I realize some of you may become upset when you read this and I promise that I am telling you the complete truth. I completely understand if you feel the need to refute this next statement and swear to the stars that it is all lies. However, the truth is that I am naughty. Actually, I have been called provocative, controversial and harsh. These are all nice ways of saying ‘Lee’s a bitch!’

          Now I know some women react negatively to that word but I embrace it like spandex does a big butt. I am honest, sometimes tactless, often bawdy, never wimpy and forever ballsy. I do not have a ton of friends since few people can maintain a level of perfection that I demand of all my love ones. They don’t have to be perfect but they do need to be open to coaching to be the best they can be. I have tattoos. I smoke and drink and occasionally swear. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I cuss all the time.

          I am the person who people look at when shit goes down to set things straight. I am the one expected to correct the wrongs with a laser accurate retort or comment that no one is willing to say. I’m like the Life Cereal kid, ‘Let’s get Lee to tell everybody to fuck off. Hey Lee! Oh my God, she did it!’

          However, for six weeks out of the year, I try to be the sweet Holly Hobby girl everyone wishes I would be sometimes. I know Santa Claus is coming to town and I have been told the third or fourth verse of the song includes ‘he sees you when you’re bitchy; he knows when you’re a cunt’. I can never be accused of being a cunt since I have never been malicious. I just sort of lack impulse control and probably have suffered some sort of traumatic brain injury.

          To my loved ones, I am mostly loving, affectionate and always helpful. There is absolutely no need to send three ghosts to my house. I am merely fervent about being open and honest. Have you ever read or watched Tennessee Williams ‘A Cat on a Hot Tin Roof’? If not, buy the film with Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman who are brilliant and gorgeous in this film. Anyways, I identify with Brick and Big Daddy’s disgust with mendacity. That secrecy that unites some families and drives others away is gross to me and I won’t have it in my life. Simple, right? So watch how nice I am being. I didn’t even have it in me to smackdown a celeb this week! Now this doesn’t mean I will turn a blind eye to stupidity and other atrocious behavior but I won’t go out of my way to smack talk for shits and giggles. The fat guy has to notice that, right?

          Paul says: He does not like being called fat. It is not PC. Santa suffers from seasonal thyroid disorder. You can say that he is fluffy. He’s ok with that.

Coffee with a sprinkle of niceness.

Relationship Rejects

Dec 102009

          It’s Thursday and this is where we dedicate about 500+ words to relationships. Naughty and Nice are just states of being in relation to being in relationship. We know we are being heady but try to follow us here. You can’t really be naughty or nice in a vacuum can you? But you can be naughty with a vacuum and we’re sure your parents would love it if you did vacuum. What the hell are we talking about?

          Paul says: As I am writing this, I am sitting in a Starbucks drinking my Misto while Lee goes out with the kids to buy me Christmas presents. This way the boys can get me something without really needing to break open their piggy banks. Not that I would mind. Daddies and Mommies are different when it comes to gifts. Moms tend to take the ‘whatever you give me is fine’ tact whereas dads are more inclined to direct their child with gentle assistance. For example, I am more likely to slip the boys a 20 each and tell them to spend it on me. ‘Daddy likes food and toys. If you see something that you think that I would like and Mommy says that it is too expensive, stand your ground.’ I have a very loose grasp on the whole naughty and nice concept.

          So this young barista gave me a lesson on what it is to be nice. (Trust me, I have naughty down to a science.) Standing before me in the queue to order coffee was a young man, probably college age, and before him was an older lady talking to the cashier. The lady was in that beginning retirement age where she has the time to check prices, clip coupons, and comparison shop without the use of a computer and still have the passion and mental acuity to take pride in her cost saving accomplishments. And she wanted soy in her drink. Apparently, that was where the rub was since Starbucks charges an extra $0.40 for soy, a policy that everyone including the young cashier/ coffee server thought was ridiculous.

          So that is the set up. Here in Miami that story would have come to a crashing end as service personnel have two modes; active apathy and passive apathy. The older lady would have walked away in a fit of extreme perturbedness as the cashier stared dully until she was gone. Obviously that did not happen or else this would be a pretty stupid story. Instead the cashier was highly affected by the older woman’s obvious distress. She explained how this is Starbuck policy and she does not make the rules even though she thought it to be somewhat silly. At one point, I thought that she was going to cry. The man in front of me steps in with a mechanism for the older lady to get her soy for free using a value card. All though the lady was smart, she was not getting how all of this worked. Hell, I have a degree in physics and I was lost.

          Here is the nice part. After we all had our coffees and were sitting down, the cashier uses her break time to explain to the lady how to use the card to get her free soy. Both women apologized for the interaction, shared stories of their goals and hopes for the future. The younger wants to be a nurse and the older is a retired nurse. After that, I watched as the elder woman sat with her drink, busying herself with removing tags from recently purchased blouses, and giggled at all of the banter she overheard from the Starbucks staff.

          Here is the morale of the story: Don’t put soy in your coffee. Wait, wait, wait! That might not be the only morale. How about this one: Christmas miracles of love happen all of the time, all year around, and for reasons greater than some tinsel reminding us to be nice.

          Lee says: I can’t let this guy be alone for five minutes before he starts shit up at a Starbucks. Order your Misto, sit down, write and be quiet. By the way, the boys took your twenty bucks and spent it on me.