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Celebrity Smackdown : Recap

Nov 032010

In a world where celebrity gossip happens moment to moment, we thought we would give you a quick recap of the crazy stuff happening on any given day. Now, this information can change dramatically between keystrokes so it is important that you stay abreast of the daily chaos.

Randy and Evi Quaid where busted up in Canada for their probation violation in Santa Barbara California. The revelations are the following: 1) Evi turns out to be Canadian. I didn’t realize Canadians could be crazy so that explains her idiosyncrasies. (Speaking very slowly and loudly) “Evi , in America we pay our rent.” 2) They are convinced that they are not crazy and that they are actually actors and artists who are the victims of ‘racketeering’. This is probably not the word they meant but apparently other actors have fallen to these nefarious pigs. Quaid mentioned David Carradine was a victim of this gang of Hollywood racketeers. And I thought he just liked to masturbate while in fishnets and trussed like a pig. 3) The Quaids repeated ‘We are not crazy’. Evi is Canadian and Randy is an Actor. Nuff said.

Charlie Sheen loses his shit and trashes a hotel room which he happened to have been sharing with an amateur porn star. The story from his camp is that he lost his 150 grand watch and wanted it back. The would be bicycle (everyone takes a ride) says she did not take it and wants to press charges or get his probation revoked or get publicity or show her strawberry eating head shots or her ability to lick her own clavicle. Then, Charlie Sheen goes back to work while the ‘would be’ porn star goes on a daily revelation of ‘and then he…’ until she receives some serious 2 and a half cash to shut her up.

Mel and Oksana are bound and determined to air every piece of this court battle on TMZ. Personally, I think Mel is a racist, anti-Semitic asshole with an impulse control issue. However, I find it interesting that his marriage of a thousand years with many children imploded out of the limelight while this micro-second dalliance with this Russian chanteuse is going down like the Hindenburg wrapped in a Titanic. He was an easy target and Oksana is milking the fatted calf.

Christine O’Donnell apparently doesn’t wax, is not a witch and she’s just like you. Personally, she scares the shit out of me kind of like single white female meets Karen Black from Trilogy of Terror after the voodoo fetish doll gets her.

Joe Jonas has apparently ditched the purity ring and appears to be doing very unchristian things with Ashley Green. The reports say that Joe’s Mom is upset that Ashley the Succubus has turned Joe to the dark side and away from the moral, right and just way she raised him. We, at CoubleDumb, would like to remind Joe’s Mom that he is probably as much of a virgin as she is and that championing your 21 year old son’s virginity is as ridiculous as claiming that Miley Cyrus is still pure. And for G’d’s sake, you’re his mother not his wife! Let the boy have some fun!

Demi Lovato is in rehab for emotional issues. I usually go to therapy, hang out with friends or take a nap.

To sum up, Charlie is still using and yet another ho is trying to get some attention, Mel is still whack but Oksana is a milk maid, Randy is an actor and Evi is Canadian and they are not crazy (wink wink), there is a wicked group of people in Hollywood who steal your money and then dress you up, put you in bondage gear, masturbate you and kill you and apparently that’s called racketeering, Christine O’Donnel is scary, Joe Jonas is getting some and Demi Lovato is a wreck and possibly a cokehead. Every one good now?

Celebrity smackdown: Celebs losing their s...

Celebrity Smackdown

Sep 012010

Since I am back to smacking down, I have decided to skip opening paragraphs. I am the queen of my domain! I have thought long and hard on this topic of adversity (please read a few moments before blindly tapping on the keys) and did some research (I think I looked at TMZ and Perez Hilton). Then, in a sign that I may have a heart albeit black and smallish, I decided to do an homage. I know I will probably smack someone like some sort of violent tic.

In the land of celebrity, adversity is something that is met with a multi-million dollar photo shoot and an interview with Barbra Walters. You ain’t no one until you’ve shared some fucked up tragedy that you will probably use next time you do a movie that requires you to squirt a couple of tears. But honestly, these are things that happen to all of us albeit not under the watchful eye of the paparazzi. I feel for those who suffer tragedy but I have little sentiment for those who throw daily pity parties on Twitter, bitching about how so and so screwed them over or how no one gets the pressure they are under blah blah blah.

I mean, come on, Lindsay. Do you really think regular people fuck up as much as you? I mean, come on, I realize she just got out of rehab but if they would have told me that my outpatient treatment would look like that, I would have opted to go to an in-patient. This is a recipe for disaster. [Please note, I am an addiction professional. A regular inpatient treatment program would probably include 20 hours of treatment a week. She is being ordered to meet with counselors 5 times a week, psychotherapy 4X/week, behavioral therapy 2x/week, drug testing 2x/week and AA meetings. Do the math, she would have been safer and have more time to herself if she had stayed in.] Is this how to deal with this adversity pretending that someone who has no evidence of complying with simple orders can complete this stiff probation without violation? I hate to be mean (not really) but I doubt she will make it. Even the most committed of clients would fail this one.

Others have their adversity projected on the screen for all to see. You have Mel Gibson and his baby-mama-drama. You have Spencer and Heidi playing out their scripted divorce for the media. You have Sarah Palin’s would be son-in-law running for office (I suppose Cheat sheet, gun toting sub morons can hold office in Alaska- Listen Alaska, I am just assuming this based on your previous elected officials). Unlike what others may think, adversity is best dealt with in the open. As a therapist I appreciate watching the train-wrecks and failed attempts at being human but the reality is that these people are playing their adversity up for the drama, not for a solution. I know, call me Captain Obvious!

My beef with these attention whores is that we become engrossed in the drama and miss the lesson. Lindsay’s lesson? When one person calls you an ass, don’t worry about it If 10 people call you an ass, buy a saddle. Lindsay should have bought a saddle long ago. Dina Lohan should have insisted Lindsay buy a saddle a long time ago. How fucked up is it when the only family member who makes sense is a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies?-(Allegedly)

Mel’s lesson is simply Karma. He broke up his marriage over Virgin Mary. This was some weird Catholic fucked up fantasy for him. Then he knocked up Mary. Are you getting the idea here? Mel is God in this little vignette and in his world, God can sometimes lose His shit. His problems are a psychoanalyst’s wet dream!

As for the other nimrods, who gives a fuck? Celebrities, deal with your problems. Grow up. Shut up. Straighten up. Man up. Or just go away and give up.

Celebrity Smackdown - Mel Gibson

Celebrity Smackdown

May 132009

Crrrrrrraaaazzzy Eyes!

It’s a Dysaffirmation week and we are enjoying the sideways glances from all. Yes, we know your dirty little secret. Our Dysaffirmations are funny but some are so true. When people bitch and moan about the truth, we simply point to what people believe. If you repeat it enough times, it becomes true. If your parents or other significant life figure tells you enough times, it becomes true. Just ask Mel Gibson.

This week’s Celebrity Smackdown is Mel Gibson. However, before I delve into the rant, I need to point out possible conflicts of interest. I am a girl. Back in the 80’s, Mel was one of the most doable men in the world. I remember Mad Max and Lethal Weapon movies and still get all tingly thinking of him. Sadly, instead of retiring to my ‘Men I Would Have Done’ list with entries like Sean Connery, he has become such an incredible asshole that well placed duct tape would not fix the situation.

Mel is a Traditional Catholic who believes in pre-Vatican Catholicism. He likes his masses said in Latin with the priests back to him. No woman except for nuns in his church and that includes Eucharistic Ministers and servers. But all people are entitled to their beliefs. You don’t see us going after fruit cake religions like Scientology do you? (Oh shit, now we’re on their radar)

The part that drives me nuts and plays so well into our theme for the week is the rhetoric that Mel believes. If you are part of the Catholic Church, and only if you are part of it, you will go to heaven. Mel acknowledges that there are some really good people out there but without believing the tenants of the church and being a member, no wings and no harps for you. Mel even went so far to say at one point that his wife was a better person than he was but as an Episcopalian…well shucks, too bad. He even built his own church!

Then there’s the anti-Semitic stuff….and now the ranting.

Listen Mel (or should I call you Sugar Tits?), God doesn’t like anti-Semitic, misogynistic, homophobic assholes. Hello? His son was a Jew! And let’s face it, it’s a tad bit inflammatory to say that Jews have started all the wars of the world. I wasn’t even aware of Jews in Vietnam or Korea, but you learn something everyday. I never watch ‘The Passion of the Christ’ because I don’t focus on the death but the resurrection. Call me silly but I figure anyone can die on a cross and it takes a sick fuck to make one of the most significant religious events to a lot of people and make it a snuff film.

Now we find Saint Mel, that you are boinking a Russian Singer/Composer with a penchant for fucking men who can help her! Did someone say whore? After being married for almost 30 years, 7 kids and 2 grandchildren, you are getting divorced and shacking up with a social climber. What would the Church say about that? Since you own yours, I assume you will ask for an annulment. I am pretty positive that you can say you weren’t in your right mind because you have enough evidence to that. Drunken tirades, freaky eyes and lots of money go a long way to being granted annulments. And I am positive that if you repeat it to yourself enough times, you can convince yourself that your life, words and way of being are in keeping with the tenants and words of Jesus Himself. Here’s a Dysaffirmation just for you Mel- ‘Heaven is for people who can pay for their way in.’ Just repeat it few hundred times and it will stick. But you had better die soon because your ex is about to take half of everything. I wonder what she’ll do with her half of the church.