THE Relationship Blog

We know. We know that you are waiting with bated breath for our secrets. Patience, we will get to our secret in a moment. But first, how are you handling the other two? How’s that ‘not fighting’ coming along? Did you hold it together when he didn’t wash the dishes or did you lose it when she took the towels out of the bathroom to wash and left you naked, wet and freezing, tip toeing through the house to the linen closet? Sure, those are stupid reasons to fight but can you really come up with a real important one that is more important than your commitment? Can you honestly say that not calling you when he will be home late or that she went over budget is a good cause for an MMA blow out? These are all issues of boundaries that can only be established with conscious, effective communication, not screaming.

While we’re talking, are you still looking outside of your relationship for validation? Do you get your knowledge and understanding of relationships from sitcoms, pundits and divorced jerks who want everyone to be as miserable as them? We’ll be honest, if we would have listened to any of these sources, or even followed our parents’ footsteps, we would not be together now. We cannot say we are self made but most of what we do as a couple is based on healthy patterns we committed to long ago. And this takes us to the most important secret of all:

You and your spouse are an island in a sea of crazy.

In the Bible (We know, CoupleDumb quoting the Bible is like an Evangelist quoting Darwin), specifically in Genesis it says, ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.’ That cleave word is special. The only time you hear this word in common parlance is in reference to Genesis. Cleave means, ‘adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly’ according to Merriam-Webster. That is the very definition of commitment and marriage. When you hold onto each other, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer and through the shitstorms that life will throw at you, you will survive it stronger and happier.

Happiness is ultimately based on a feeling of safety. The safer you feel the more risks you are willing to take to make your life richer and the happier you become with yourself. This is the foundation. Many people think that marriage is about passion and excitement but we contest that marriage is about safety and nothing makes you sexier than when you feel safe with someone. You are willing to look crazy, act out of character and try something outside of your comfort zone because you are cleaved to your love on your own island of sanity.

If you don’t believe us, ask yourself this, do you feel completely safe in your relationship? How does that hold you back or set you free?

Happy New Year!

THE Relationship Blog

So you want the secret to a happy marriage, heh? If you haven’t read yesterday’s post, you need to start there. If you are unwilling to do that then this stuff will be really uncomfortable. Wait a second….did you think this was going to be easy? In fact, it is really easy. It’s like gravity. Do you work hard at keeping your feet on the ground?

Here is secret number 2:

Stop looking at the outside world to validate your relationship.

In other words, if you are happy, trust that it is so. Do not look outside of your marriage for confirmation that what you are feeling is good. Do not watch TV that bashes marriage or entertain conversations that treat marriage as a prison cliché. That crap is written by idiots who married someone wrong for them and then ‘stuck it out’ until their heart turned to stone and the concept of happiness was a fairy tale they tell their children.

We allow the media to treat relationships to the same abuse many people have endured. We allow comedians to hum the death march when discussing marriage. We allow sitcoms to refer to marriage as a sexless, loveless, unfair partnership where men are emasculated and women are henpeckers of the highest order. Marriage is ‘a trap’ that women set for men and they must suffer in it. There is no happiness in marriage and if you are you are a ‘newlywed’ or even worse; they assume one of you is cheating.

They tell you that you are living a fantasy and that you haven’t dealt with crises that will test your marriage. That is their reality, not yours.

If you are happy, congratulations! Do what it takes to keep it that way. Commit to your happiness while recommitting to being integretous, honest and loving. Those are the hallmark to true happiness on your own terms.

Happy New Year!