super computer nerd 300x227 Committed or should be.

          One of the things we have loved to do on this blog is to discuss the relationship craziness of celebrities. We have done this in the form of WTFs and Celebrity Smackdowns and have mentioned countless celebrities. As we discuss what love is, one of the concepts that seem to elude celebrity is that of commitment. Please do not assume we mean that celebs are the only ones that don’t understand that concept. Normal people lack commitment too!


          Lee says: If you have been around someone getting married or have done the deed yourself, you know that it takes a shitload of time and energy to create a magical day of matrimony. In fact, according to popular opinion it takes approximately a year to plan a wedding. Most of that time is spent on dresses and choosing a venue for the event and reception. The planning of a wedding is boiled down to the matches and favors on the tables. Hell, couples even need to choose specific pieces of music, the order of the dances, introductions and all the other minutiae involved in the post wedding hoopla!


          After all this, couples actually separate and get divorced after a few months of wedded bliss. Wait, I guess it really wouldn’t be called ‘bliss’ if you get separated a few months after getting married. I mean, it has to be really horrible to be living with someone that you have irreconcilable differences with, right? I mean, I get uncomfortable when Paul pulls out the grape jelly when he makes PB&J sandwiches. Being a strawberry kind of girl, the mere sight of grape jelly in my cupboards is an abomination to me. Could you call that an irreconcilable difference? Sure, why the fuck not?


          So here is the truth about love. LOVE IS COMMITTED! There is no easy out clause when you are in love. You know you are in that for the long haul. You don’t have a line in the sand or concrete saying ‘if this bitch/bastard does this, I am so out of here’. You have a concept of ever after not based on hopelessness but on creating something that will stand the tests of time. Yes, it is possible that a loving couple can get divorced due to unforeseen occurrences. Yes, it is possible that people can change and as a couple evolves they may evolve separately. However, ultimately, all of these possibilities would have been sensed, discussed and ultimately accounted for throughout the marriage.


          It drives me nuts when couples break up over things that are as innocuous as ‘we grew apart’. It chaps my ass when I hear things like ‘we wanted different things’. I think I may go postal if I hear anyone say ‘after the kids left, we were like strangers’ again. You know why these things bother me? Because you can see it coming and choose to do abso-fucking-lutely nothing!


          I know I may seem like I am being harsh but reality is not a kind perky girl who gives you cookies and lemonade. Reality is a bar-fly bitch with one inch of roots showing through stiff peroxide/brittle hair, etched, blotchy skin with a hairy mole and cigarette dangling from her mouth. She would rather give you a STD than a tasty confection.  The reality is that at some point in your relationship, you choose to give up. This is what irreconcilable differences mean. It’s not like one day you wake up and you must choose the North over the South. Even with those dichotomies, couples choose to make their relationships work because they have built something bigger than themselves and their egos.


          Look at us. I was a cool, hip chick with shoulder pads and a new wave haircut in the 80s and Paul was a sci-fi geek but we made it work. I’m not saying it didn’t pain Paul to stop sleeping on Star Wars sheets but his priorities were clear and thus 21 years later, we still have wedded bliss.


          Paul says: As long as you keep wearing the Princess Leia as slave girl outfit, I’m good. And after we are done, I can eat the cinnamon rolls on your ears.

sharebookmarx Committed or should be.

trust 300x240 Whats love?

          We are not negative people. On the contrary, we are very positive, happy and uplifting people in a cynically funny sort of way. So this week we decided to take a turn for the better and, after spending two weeks debunking the love myths, write about everything that love is. The good news is that we do not need two weeks to write all of the positive things about love because people that find love and recognize it for the beautiful thing that it is do not usually need to invent stupid stuff to screw it up. It takes creativity and imagination to really screw something up. Oh oh, there is the cynical coming out. Back to our peaceful Zen state of love.


          Paul says: Let’s review. There is a scientific definition of love. Yes, I know that the romantics hate it when I use the words scientific and love in the same sentence but I need to because it is true. According to the white coats, love has three components: passion, intimacy and commitment. See, lust is good because it is one of the parts of love but it is not enough since it is only 33.333333 (repeating) percent. We can equate lust with passion but what about the other pieces?


          This brings us to the first of our ‘love is…’ topic: Love is trusting.


          Since we are reviewing, remember back to the topic of sex. Sex is not intimacy. Making love has nothing to do with the location of one’s genitalia. Intimacy is in the mind and in being vulnerable with your lover. It is a combination of convincing ourselves that we are trusting and demonstrating to our loved one that we trust them. Being trustworthy is a big plus also.


          Which brings me to prenuptial agreements. As a legal tool, they are a great idea. I am a big fan of contracts and legal agreements and any other way that lawyers and the Devil can bind the weak minded to their wills. Sadly, as a tool of love, it is a declarative statement that the party of the first part does not, in its entirety, trust the party of the second part. If you can sign the pre-nup while looking the other person in the eye and informing them, in no uncertain terms, that you do not trust them and, therefore, cannot be intimate with them on a basic Maslowian level of sustenance then go right ahead and draw up the documents.


           Putting all of my wordy sarcasm aside, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea if everybody listed out all of the things that they can’t trust in their lives. I do not trust that you love me. I do not trust that I am sexy enough or beautiful enough to keep you. I do not trust that God will let me be happy.


          The last one was for me. In all of the therapy that I have done, the bottom line to my issues, and subsequently the underlying reason that I could not be intimate, was that I did not trust God. Somewhere in my subconscious, I believed that God was kind of willy-nilly and that at any moment He would cut the thread and let me drop into whatever pool of misery was in store for me. From my own experience, I can say that there is a hierarchy to this. First, trust in God then in yourself then in your loved ones then in the world at large. From there, I was able to love God, love myself, love Lee, and then love everybody else. I will admit that I did not learn them in that order but it would have been a hell of a lot easier if I had.


          Now you know why Lee does most of the writing. I just get all philosophical and shit.

          Lee says: Dare I say it again? I love this guy.

sharebookmarx Whats love?

love 101 300x261 Love 101

          We are pretty sure that there are some people out there who are really good at loving and being in love. We are positive that there are a handful of folks who could teach a class on Love 101 at their local community college or adult center. We are convinced that just statistically there are those couples who do not need to fret or freak about their relationships because they are healthy and good and all the things people dream about. Unfortunately, we haven’t met a lot of those people so we would love it if you would step up.


          Lee says: I would love to teach the class Love 101. I can see myself teaching the class to adults on a Tuesday evening next door to the Tandoori Today class. The hall will reek of cumin and there would be a good deal of smoke in the air. I would come in early the first day hoping to get a quiet moment to settle and focus on my first class. First impressions are everything. I turn to the dry erase board and write my name in my typical print-penmanship combo. I flourish the ‘Lee’ so the L looks like a Laverne one to see if anyone catches the reference. Then I write the following myth on the board.


          Myth: Love is natural.


          I’m sure I’ll get a lot of crap for that one but if love were a natural thing that people do automatically, why the hell would you be in a Love 101 class?


          I know that at one point in the span of human existence, love was natural. But no more. We have created so many myths and fairy tales and beliefs surrounding love that the natural desire to be open with the one you love is bitted and reined in by the paranoia of pain. You hear the little voice in your head say ‘If you tell him you love him he’ll think you’re needy or trying to trap him or crazy or you just stole his ATM card and purchased tickets to Peru.’ We have sapped the unthinking nature of love and made it a blood sport where you have to wear jerseys and crying is allowed.


          Do I sound a little bitter? Maybe I am. It’s just that I was lucky to find another innocent soul out there who had not been completely warped by the playing field of love and could be honest with me. I fear for my kids. I fear for my friends and family who still hopes for a love connection. I mean, how fucked up are the people out there?


          The other day I heard a lady actually say that she was really good at relationships and proceeded to list out all the men she had been with including the one addicted to pills and the guy who only wanted to have anal sex which she adamantly refused. She considered these the good relationships. I was afraid to probe her on the bad relationships? Me! The psychotherapist who worked with pedophiles, rapists, crack whores and all the other needy souls out there was afraid to ask about the guys this whack job lady thought didn’t stack up to the pill popper and butt fucker.


          Love is gentle and kind and with hard work in the beginning you can lay down an honest foundation. Take the time to be in integrity and responsible with your partner and I promise it will be natural to love, kind of like falling off a bike. Once you’re on the floor, it’s really easy.


          Paul says: I do believe that love is natural. Unfortunately, we have made it into a topiary elephant cut from an artificial bush. Most people wouldn’t know natural love it is tried to trample them with its freshly manicured feet.

sharebookmarx Love 101

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