love » CoupleDumb

Love is an overstuffed sofa.

Jul 122010

          We just had a weekend where we had nothing to do. Sure we had to do laundry, clean up and handle some writing and website duties but we had nothing to do outside of our home. We had nothing to yank us out of bed before we would naturally get up. Do you understand how incredibly awesome that is? Do you get that weekends like that don’t happen very often in CoupleDumb land? It made for a relaxing weekend spent in loungewear ranging from Lee’s flowing dress to Paul’s shorts that hardly need to be removed to go to the bathroom. Ah, comfy!

          Lee says: I remember when we were first married. Paul would leave for work before the sun would come up and then go to school all night. He would come home late and do it all again the next day. Fridays he had no classes and he would be home before me. We would make love, take a nice, long nap and then go out for dinner. It was decadent and delicious. The weekends would be spent in different positions of repose on the bed or couch.

          Being carefree was only part of the reason why we could be so relaxed. We mentioned a couple of weeks ago that a myth of love is that it is natural. We argued that love had evolved into this complex, neurotic system. We have evolved from allowing love to develop naturally and settle for the new love:

          Love is comfortable.

          Love allows you to let it all hang-out, drop the walls, share of yourself intimately. Love is your favorite sweat pants and t-shirt on a Sunday afternoon. It should never be tense or anxious or self-conscious. We have often talked about the need for intimacy for love. We know that creating intimacy involves vulnerability, trust and comfort. The first two have been discussed here and there. Comfort gets a post all to itself!

          I can’t imagine walking on egg-shells in a loving relationship. There is no need to hold your tongue in a loving relationship. You don’t need to watch your back in a loving relationship. There is no obsessive thinking about your partner in a loving relationship. All of these dysfunctional behaviors and feelings are based on a lack of comfort with your partner. In a true loving relationship, you can sleep with both eyes closed.

          Being comfortable in love also includes lovely things like not freaking out when they walk in to the bathroom if you are indisposed. Being comfortable allows you to have fun. True loving couples are fun! They can behave uninhibited in private and in public. This is not to advocate sex on tables at your local Denny’s but it does show a lot about a couple when you see them interact in public.

          There is no wincing when your spouse is speaking in a comfortable relationship. Of course we can still violate boundaries in any relationship but a loving couple does not take things personally or attack in such a manner to trigger issues. A loving couple comfortably floats from public to private easily with no fake smiles or need to hover. Comfort allows you to be yourself without the need to edit or hide. You can be honest and are supported in being vulnerable. Comfort is what makes loving couples more healthy individuals.

          So do you get it? If you are tense with your partner, this probably is not the love you are looking for or one you deserve. Me? I’m going to get myself another cup of coffee and lay back on Paul’s chest. Probably take a nap. Maybe we’ll do some research or read a book or share our feelings about all the upcoming changes in our lives. The possibilities are endless and comforting.

          Paul says: I’m writing my little piece about 12 hours later than I was supposed to, so that shows you how comfortable I got today.

          Now that I’m awake, here is my two cents. Love is like water. It follows the path of least resistance and comfort is always the easier direction for love to flow. See what happens when a physicist writes about love?

Handle Your Love

Relationship Rejects

Jul 082010

          A single drop of water can start a flood and a snowflake can cause an avalanche. Everything is significant and nothing is expendable. These are certain mindsets that can help people in life. Unfortunately, most people can’t see beyond their front porches or even beyond their own noses. This is the realm of the ego and in the kingdom of love the ego is the court jester.

          Lee says: Wow, what a fancy opening. I feel all dressed up now and fear that I may lose the decorum that has been set for this post. I realize the occasion may not call for heels or a tiara but I really should get out of my sweat pants and shirt that refers to joys of judging others. And I probably should control my outbursts. You know, I should curb the need to pass gas or drop a ‘fuck’ here and there. Well, I’ll do my best.

          As we discuss what love is, we must always look at our individual contribution to the delicious emotion. Like a drop of water, our part in the affection tango is vital to the life cycle of the relationship. We tend to look at love as an entity outside of ourselves that is bestowed to us by angels or a chubby kid with wings and arrows. Real love is created and molded like a sculpture. This brings me to the most important truism about love:

          Love is responsible.

          I know. Really sex isn’t it?

          When we create a deep and healthy love with someone, we do not forget our role in this coupling. A healthy loving couple takes responsibility for their love. Notice that I did not say ‘they take responsibility for their share or part in love’. They are responsible for all of the love. Love is not piece-meal even though that is exactly what we are taught it is.

          We have written many times about responsibility and next to words like relationship, love and couples that word ranks in the top 10 words we use over and over again. The importance of understanding the role responsibility plays in your own relationship success is critical if you ever wish to have a love of ages. I will assist by bulleting the salient points.

          -Couples in love are responsible for themselves and their needs.

          -Couples in love feel a deep responsibility for maintaining their relationship and do not depend on their partners to ‘do their share’.

          -Couples in love understand that their relationship is their priority and are responsible for the care and feeding of it.

          I know that on any given day I can carry my relationship if I need to. Confused?

           Here is an example. Paul hurt his back a couple of years ago and was placed on bed rest for a while (if you know Paul this was tantamount to asking him to peel off his own skin). The injury was so bad he could not lift his legs so bed rest was not only prescriptive it was necessary since falling would probably aggravate the injury. I’m no Doctor. I’m just guessing. During this time, I chose to take on his duties and mine, caring for the kids, home and him. I also took time a million times a day to tell him how much I loved him and how I needed him to rest to get better. I would remind him of how wonderful and sexy he is. He was laid up, sad and frustrated. Flattery and sex work wonders in these times.

          His recuperation was a time of great foundational work for our relationship. The hard times are when your responsibility is called upon and tested. It is easy to love during the good times and better to love during the tough times. He is and forever will be my drop of water that makes all the difference in my life.

          Paul says: Can’t write. Busy crying now. I’ll get back to you tomorrow.

Committed or should be.

Celebrity Smackdown

Jul 072010

          One of the things we have loved to do on this blog is to discuss the relationship craziness of celebrities. We have done this in the form of WTFs and Celebrity Smackdowns and have mentioned countless celebrities. As we discuss what love is, one of the concepts that seem to elude celebrity is that of commitment. Please do not assume we mean that celebs are the only ones that don’t understand that concept. Normal people lack commitment too!

          Lee says: If you have been around someone getting married or have done the deed yourself, you know that it takes a shitload of time and energy to create a magical day of matrimony. In fact, according to popular opinion it takes approximately a year to plan a wedding. Most of that time is spent on dresses and choosing a venue for the event and reception. The planning of a wedding is boiled down to the matches and favors on the tables. Hell, couples even need to choose specific pieces of music, the order of the dances, introductions and all the other minutiae involved in the post wedding hoopla!

          After all this, couples actually separate and get divorced after a few months of wedded bliss. Wait, I guess it really wouldn’t be called ‘bliss’ if you get separated a few months after getting married. I mean, it has to be really horrible to be living with someone that you have irreconcilable differences with, right? I mean, I get uncomfortable when Paul pulls out the grape jelly when he makes PB&J sandwiches. Being a strawberry kind of girl, the mere sight of grape jelly in my cupboards is an abomination to me. Could you call that an irreconcilable difference? Sure, why the fuck not?

          So here is the truth about love. LOVE IS COMMITTED! There is no easy out clause when you are in love. You know you are in that for the long haul. You don’t have a line in the sand or concrete saying ‘if this bitch/bastard does this, I am so out of here’. You have a concept of ever after not based on hopelessness but on creating something that will stand the tests of time. Yes, it is possible that a loving couple can get divorced due to unforeseen occurrences. Yes, it is possible that people can change and as a couple evolves they may evolve separately. However, ultimately, all of these possibilities would have been sensed, discussed and ultimately accounted for throughout the marriage.

          It drives me nuts when couples break up over things that are as innocuous as ‘we grew apart’. It chaps my ass when I hear things like ‘we wanted different things’. I think I may go postal if I hear anyone say ‘after the kids left, we were like strangers’ again. You know why these things bother me? Because you can see it coming and choose to do abso-fucking-lutely nothing!

          I know I may seem like I am being harsh but reality is not a kind perky girl who gives you cookies and lemonade. Reality is a bar-fly bitch with one inch of roots showing through stiff peroxide/brittle hair, etched, blotchy skin with a hairy mole and cigarette dangling from her mouth. She would rather give you a STD than a tasty confection. The reality is that at some point in your relationship, you choose to give up. This is what irreconcilable differences mean. It’s not like one day you wake up and you must choose the North over the South. Even with those dichotomies, couples choose to make their relationships work because they have built something bigger than themselves and their egos.

          Look at us. I was a cool, hip chick with shoulder pads and a new wave haircut in the 80s and Paul was a sci-fi geek but we made it work. I’m not saying it didn’t pain Paul to stop sleeping on Star Wars sheets but his priorities were clear and thus 21 years later, we still have wedded bliss.

          Paul says: As long as you keep wearing the Princess Leia as slave girl outfit, I’m good. And after we are done, I can eat the cinnamon rolls on your ears.