Lindsay Lohan - 3/4 - CoupleDumb

miley opt Dont Fuck With the Mouse Part 2

Picture and comment from Perez Hilton. Thanks Perez

If you are gearing up to see the Jonas Brothers movie come out in 3D, stop reading now. We’re just going to upset you. If you own the Hannah Montana wig with concert microphone, walk away from your computer and go play your Best of Both Worlds where you can pretend to spend the day with your idol. If you are my little brother, I’m about to upset you and don’t bother calling Mom cause she’s on my side. This isn’t just a kid thing. Parents are obviously feeding this Disney beast and singing along to those insipid little songs.

We will start this week’s Celebrity Smackdown part Deux with a question: When did Disney figure that focusing on our daughters would make them the most money? Think about it people, if your son’s are really into any of the evening Disney shows, you might need to look into PFLAG groups in your area. All of these shows are targeting girls. Even the shows with guys as the main character are being built up to showcase these boys as prepubescent sex symbols or safe crushes that will never deflower your babies until their White Weddings.

The one that really pisses me off is Miley Cyrus. I recently read where a celebrity won’t allow her kids to watch her because she teaches kids to be sassy. I say right on to that Mommy! First of all, Miley Cyrus sounds like she’s been up all night smoking Camels and drinking Jack. Her teeth are still a mystery to me since she obviously has enough money to fix them. Also, how old is she supposed to be on the show? I know she is being raised by her father (don’t get me started on Billy Ray “The Pimp” Cyrus and that god awful hair), but most of the shows he is nowhere to be found. She’s sassy, flirtatious and constantly mugging for the camera which as an adult I only find funny when Lucille Ball does it. That bitch had talent and is an icon unlike this Miley chick.

And what are they teaching are young moldable little girls? All of these programs have something in common – absentee parents. All of these young teens can care for themselves and do things like adults like go out, go to restaurants and have a website with a cyber-cam. It is only a matter of time before Chris Hansen shows up on I Carly and catches another predator. They encourage girls to live double lives like Hannah or the Wizards of Waverly Place. The unhealthy behavior of keeping a secret and faking who you really are is something we figured out on our own in the old days. Now they have to spoon feed our kids to develop alter egos and frivolous personas to get through their painful lives in hopes of finding a moment of love. But I digress.

Now you have Miley “Where’s my Crack?” Cyrus dating a 20 year old. This is who you want your little girls to emulate? The Jonas Brothers wear chastity rings so why can’t Miley? I’ll tell you why, it doesn’t grow back no matter how much you pray or pretend.

Listen Disney, we have little kids and we do love sharing the Disney experience with our children. However, this tact you are taking is making it difficult for us to trust you with our offspring. We aren’t going to have anymore so it’s not like I can make more if you mess these up. Where is the innocence? Where is the cheery dispositions and child like quality that we adored in the old Disney shows? Have you also fallen to the cynicism of society? Et tu Disney?

sharebookmarx Dont Fuck With the Mouse Part 2

family Celebrity Smackdown: CelebriKin (Unfamous family of marginally famous people)

We are writers despite what you might think. We have written a few books now and are looking for representation so we can be published. So we have a question. Does everyone who gains some notoriety have a messed up family flailing their arms behind them to get noticed? We’ve heard of Stage Moms but nowadays a celebrities parents or sibling gets paparazzi after them as if they actually did something. Have we become that fame starved? This week’s Celebrity Smackdown goes to the most disgusting of the hanger-ons in Hollywood. I’m talking about Celebrity Families and they should be ashamed of themselves.

Lee says: During our weekly storybook meeting which we hold in a secret cave with wi-fi, a wine fridge, fluffy pillows and a Jacuzzi, we decided on the topic of families. When fleshing out each post, the Celebrity Smackdown was lacking specificity. Who to Smackdown? We have written about Lindsay Lohan and her leaching parents before and we have focused on Kim Kardashian who is famous for nothing really. We have yet to mention douche bags like the ‘actors’ on ‘The Hills’. Honestly we have never watched the show so we have no frame of reference except for what we see on TMZ or Perez Hilton. So when we ran out of wine and the Jacuzzi cooled down we decided to write about all of it.

We’ll start with the Lohan’s since they are just so incredibly dysfunctional that it makes me wince and I’ve worked with crack whores and pedophiles. It seems whenever Lindsay ‘I need a hardcore rehab without Egyptian cotton sheets’ Lohan screws up, her parents take to the airwaves to give their opinion. Mom tows the party line that all is well in the world and she is such a wonderful role model for her little sister Ali ‘Does she have progeria’ Lohan (yeah, I went there. I said she has the aging syndrome because I’m edgy like that.) While Dad Lohan takes to his blog or twitters about how she needs help and if she were closer to him he could help her. Really? This guy looks like a pervert with his really tight pants and his slick ‘game show host meets con man’ demeanor. No wonder their kid is all kinds of fucked up! Lindsay, wake up honey. Your Mom will whore you out worse that Gypsy Rose Lee and your Dad will be the first guy asking for the lap dance.

Then we have families like the Hogan’s. Hollywood Hulk Hogan, remember him with his yellow tank top, stringy yellow mullet and tight red shorts. He was a friggen’ wrestler and then VH1 gave him a show like we cared about him, his family or how he parents. ‘Hogan knows best.’ Really? Did you see how he dressed for the ring? But at least the guy had a job. Now we are doomed to look at his talentless children and soon to be ex wife. The daughter has taken up pole dancing now to add to her classy repertoire and the son still is … well, his only claim to fame has been putting someone in a vegetative state. But, you say to me, ‘Lee, blonde bimbos need some attention too!’ That’s why we have Linda Hogan showing up on the gossip rags as if she is someone. Honestly, I respect Dog the Bounty Hunter’s wife more. That bitch wields mace and handcuffs!

But what I’m noticing that these families are all sucking the dying teat of a career. They are all scrounging for the last piece of limelight before it is snuffed out and they actually have to work. But as a preemptive strike I will go on record to say my family has many talents. My dad tells a mean joke, my mom and sister can dance and my little brother plays baseball. Luckily none of them can rap or have aspirations of pole dancing but you never know.

Paul says: I think my mom does have aspirations of pole dancing. So, I’m thinking that I better sell lots and lots of books. Anything to keep mom off the pole.

Lee responds: I have absolutely nothing to do with the above statement. My mother-in-law is a saint.