Lindsay Lohan » CoupleDumb

Celebrity smackdown: Celebs losing their s...

Sep 012010

Since I am back to smacking down, I have decided to skip opening paragraphs. I am the queen of my domain! I have thought long and hard on this topic of adversity (please read a few moments before blindly tapping on the keys) and did some research (I think I looked at TMZ and Perez Hilton). Then, in a sign that I may have a heart albeit black and smallish, I decided to do an homage. I know I will probably smack someone like some sort of violent tic.

In the land of celebrity, adversity is something that is met with a multi-million dollar photo shoot and an interview with Barbra Walters. You ain’t no one until you’ve shared some fucked up tragedy that you will probably use next time you do a movie that requires you to squirt a couple of tears. But honestly, these are things that happen to all of us albeit not under the watchful eye of the paparazzi. I feel for those who suffer tragedy but I have little sentiment for those who throw daily pity parties on Twitter, bitching about how so and so screwed them over or how no one gets the pressure they are under blah blah blah.

I mean, come on, Lindsay. Do you really think regular people fuck up as much as you? I mean, come on, I realize she just got out of rehab but if they would have told me that my outpatient treatment would look like that, I would have opted to go to an in-patient. This is a recipe for disaster. [Please note, I am an addiction professional. A regular inpatient treatment program would probably include 20 hours of treatment a week. She is being ordered to meet with counselors 5 times a week, psychotherapy 4X/week, behavioral therapy 2x/week, drug testing 2x/week and AA meetings. Do the math, she would have been safer and have more time to herself if she had stayed in.] Is this how to deal with this adversity pretending that someone who has no evidence of complying with simple orders can complete this stiff probation without violation? I hate to be mean (not really) but I doubt she will make it. Even the most committed of clients would fail this one.

Others have their adversity projected on the screen for all to see. You have Mel Gibson and his baby-mama-drama. You have Spencer and Heidi playing out their scripted divorce for the media. You have Sarah Palin’s would be son-in-law running for office (I suppose Cheat sheet, gun toting sub morons can hold office in Alaska- Listen Alaska, I am just assuming this based on your previous elected officials). Unlike what others may think, adversity is best dealt with in the open. As a therapist I appreciate watching the train-wrecks and failed attempts at being human but the reality is that these people are playing their adversity up for the drama, not for a solution. I know, call me Captain Obvious!

My beef with these attention whores is that we become engrossed in the drama and miss the lesson. Lindsay’s lesson? When one person calls you an ass, don’t worry about it If 10 people call you an ass, buy a saddle. Lindsay should have bought a saddle long ago. Dina Lohan should have insisted Lindsay buy a saddle a long time ago. How fucked up is it when the only family member who makes sense is a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies?-(Allegedly)

Mel’s lesson is simply Karma. He broke up his marriage over Virgin Mary. This was some weird Catholic fucked up fantasy for him. Then he knocked up Mary. Are you getting the idea here? Mel is God in this little vignette and in his world, God can sometimes lose His shit. His problems are a psychoanalyst’s wet dream!

As for the other nimrods, who gives a fuck? Celebrities, deal with your problems. Grow up. Shut up. Straighten up. Man up. Or just go away and give up.

Celebrity Smackdown: @Celebs

Celebrity Smackdown

May 052010

          Ah, this week is like putting two mirrors together and getting that infinity effect; a blog talking about social media written by people who are using social media to get noticed as writers. Dizzying really. There are a lot of people out there who have embraced the social media phenomena and some celebrities like Ashton Kutcher who made it his bitch. Taking on CNN on the run to a million Twitter followers was not only genius but the litmus test to the power of social media. While he employed everything from his tweets to You Tube to make it to a million first, CNN relied on the boob tube to make a follower push for them. We know who won that bit but who is just failing at this type of media along with all others.

          The Lohan Family: Although it is fun and mildly amusing to see the drunken rants of Lindsay ‘someone set up her conservatorship fast’ Lohan or read her Dad’s ‘I got shit on tape’ Lohan talk crap about his daughter, it feels dirty. I mean, she’s pathetic. She is the poster child of every Just Say No thing you can imagine from cocaine to prescription drugs to drinking to smoking to dying your hair anything other than your real color especially when you are a red head who has a very specific complexion. Her Mother, Dinah ‘To bad I can’t have more babies to whore them out and I wonder how much the Simpson family spent on Ashley’s makeover because Ali looks like a 48 year old hag’ Lohan, is the poster child of denial. Is it that she can’t stand to let her once cash cow take a few weeks off from getting paid to party or thrown out of parties or getting paid by paparazzi to do something stupid or interviewed to show how TOTALLY fucked up Lindsay really is while she says the opposite….O.K. enough. Just do us a favor. STOP TWEETING!

          @justinbieber: I’ll admit, I don’t get it. My niece referred to him as smoking hot. I think he looks like a dyky girl. I have to admit when I see tweets like this ‘other than that…IM IN NEW ZEALAND!! THEY GOT NO PREDATORS IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY!! I AM THE MOST DANGEROUS CREATURE HERE!!’ I vomit in my mouth. Dangerous? My grandmother with two artificial hips, dementia and the tendency to change the story when it gets a little emotional can kick his ass with one hand on her walker. Listen kid, you aren’t dangerous and you’re no more than a fad and in about 5 years we’ll see you tweeting about getting drunk and the paparazzi are stalking you and you’re working on your comeback album that never comes out and your only hope of relevance is a reality show on VH-1.

          @davidarchuleta: Yeah, this guy was cut out of non-fat cream cheese. This guy is so hallmark sweetness that he makes my pancreas seize. This guy is so unbelievably vanilla that he makes Bieber look like he shoots up with Keith Richards while getting blown by Courtney Love. David Archuleta makes vanilla look like chocolate chocolate chunks with fudge. He is the white standard of mild. He wouldn’t know anger if it raped him with all the woodland creatures who follow him cheering it on. For this, I say, stop tweeting my little milquetoast friend until you’ve seen a vagina up close.

          Here is a short list of the celebs worth following: @rainnwilson (funny doesn’t begin to cover it), @aplusk (Ashton may not be a world class actor but he does use his status for good not evil. Of course, you can follow us @coupledumb unless you’re J. Bieber or Archuleta because we always follow you back and we can’t read anymore of your bland shit. Sorry.

Celebrity Smackdown : The Nuts

Celebrity Smackdown

Jan 272010

So Howie, Who are you wearing today?

          Usually by Wednesday, we start getting a little antsy. We feel that we will not have a rapid end to the week unless we smack down a celebrity. With the topic of the week being ‘Everyday Crazy’, Hollywood and Celebrityland is full of weirdoes, oddballs and goofballs that stretch the definition. In fact, there are so many celebrities that could be mentioned here that we have decided to concentrate on those who probably are medicated and/or should be medicated for their cuckooness. Now put on your gloves and avoid any body fluids as we enter the land of Celebrity Nuts.

          Lee says: There are many stars and celebs that are outed as crazy. Many stars have jumped the neurotic/psychotic line and found a nice bungalow in loonyville. Actors such as Margot Kidder and Anne Heche have shown us that clothing in the Hollywood Hills is optional, especially if you are being followed or aliens are out to get you. Apparently, the nudity throws off the tracking device that is implanted in their brains. These actors, after a very public freak out, got on their meds and have had a pretty good career.

          Then you have people like Howie Mandel who is a self-admitted and medicated mysophobe (fear of germs). He is known to avoid the handshake and opt for the very macho fist bump and often makes fun of his condition. You see, this is the kind of crazy I like. Unlike most ego dragging celebs, Howie realizes his responsibility to the world and talks about a fairly common phobia. However a phobia, by mere definition is still considered a neurosis because it is an irrational fear. Sure, some mysophobes become so fucked up that they actually close themselves off from the world, tape the door jams and take to drinking there own filtered urine to avoid fluoridated water. Think Howard Hughes. Howie’s life is the happy conclusion to dealing with an everyday crazy with a proactive approach instead of hiding it until it controls your life.

          Then you have scary stories like Lindsay Lohan. Now, the funny thing is that a year ago when we started our blog, she was the first person I spoke of and I am still harping on this. I am frankly surprised she is still alive. On the one hand, you have Britney Spear. Her conservatorship has forcefully straightened out her life through getting her well medicated and with the appropriate medical help to get her mental illness under control. Britney was not everyday crazy. Britney was bug fuck crazy. Britney was making bad choices. Shaving her head. Bad associates. Barefoot in gas station bathrooms. Nightly runs to the local gas stations for smokes and Cheetos before a Frappachino at Starbucks. All these showed the restlessness of mental illness.

          Lindsay is there as well. In her case, she has no parents that will take over her life because they are too busy using her fucked up life to make themselves famous. Lindsay (if you haven’t seen any pictures of her lately you should look her up) is looking a little used. She hasn’t worked in forever because she probably can’t hold a job and is constantly moving, not unlike the Brittney restlessness. She has emotional outbursts and is constantly seen in leggings. I am sure I can make a case on why leggings are a symptom of psychosis.

          I honestly see her spiraling into oblivion. She has the mannerisms of an addict and the physicality of a crazy person. She walks with no grace and whether it was the over use of a substance that has removed the myelin sheathing of her neurons which has her walking not unlike a toothless crackhead or she is walking with the singular purpose that the mentally ill have. Sweetie, get on some meds, get in a program and straighten yourself out. You are over 21 so tell your parents to fuck off and live your life. Maybe Brittney’s Dad isn’t too busy and can take over your life too.