Lighten Up » CoupleDumb

Old School Lightening

Jul 102009

Paul in high school. Or so it felt.
Another Friday in CoupleDumb and we need to wrap up our week of Lightening Up! As we write this, we are getting ready for a trip back to the mother land. We live in Miami but both of us were born and raised in good old Southern California. We met and fell in love in Torrance to be exact. We even attended the same high school but didn’t know each other since we were both going through some serious teenage angst during that time. Since those awful days, we have evolved and grown into different human beings. Tomorrow we will be at a reunion with our classmates from long ago and we think we can safely say we are scared shitless.

          Lee says: I grew up in a relatively large family. I had two siblings and many first cousins and a few second and removed ones that played significant roles in the formative years of my life. My friends were few but I was not a hermit. Just picky. The hallmark of my life was that I was a funny person. That was how people knew me. Now, of course, within my family, I also was thought of as weird and crazy by certain family members but since they may start reading this at some point (one can hope) I will refrain from saying names (you know who you are).

          So why the walk down memory lane? Simple, we are talking about lightening up and that is exactly what I am committed to doing. Some people lighten up by not taking things seriously, dumping their baggage or learning to relax. I have done all three and still needed more lightening. I have acknowledged and faced my demons and shortcomings and weight and rage and addictions and still felt the intensity. I really began to lighten up when I found my voice in writing. I find that releasing the words and forming thoughts that tumble in an order to create sentences, paragraphs and pages is the best therapy I have ever had. This blog has allowed me to come out as a writer and I can be me in my words; crazy, funny, intense and serious. I can disclose that I am water and that I am fat and addicted and in love with my husband and driven crazy by my kids with little fear of repercussions. For that permission, I thank you.

          Paul says: Since Lee and I went to the same high school, only one year apart, some of the reunion crowd are my old classmates also. And I was uber-geek in high school. I was the picked on, shadow kid who aspired to fade into the background. As we go into this reunion, I have no choice but to lighten up. Even I know that bringing a bunch of 30 year old baggage to a party wouldn’t make me the Dean Martin of the celebration. So I’m going in, having a drink and lightening up.

A Light Relationship

Relationship Rejects

Jul 092009

Oh no, the oatmeal is a little lumpy.

          If we had one piece of advice to give to a married couple or anyone in a relationship, it is to lighten up. These two words encapsulate most of the relationship philosophies that we have laid out in the time that we have been writing this blog. Marriage as a corporation, priorities, and choosing to love all fall under the large category of lighten up.

          Paul say: ‘Is it that important?’ When we look at the day to day events of our marriage, I know that I ask myself that question over and over. I know that I do stupid stuff on an hourly basis but do I do important stupid stuff? And Lee has been known to have her moods but is it moodiness on a grand level? I know that some couples will say ‘oh yes, this is important because my spouse is disrespecting me’. And to them I say, ‘lighten up’.

          If your self-worth is so integrally linked to whether or not the toilet paper is ‘paper over’ because obviously ‘paper under’ people are defective, then you got a problem. But the funny thing is that the lighten up philosophy doesn’t stop at trivial things. It works with some of the big ticket issues of a relationship also.

          Money. Whether spending too much or too little, money is statistically one of the biggest fight starters in a relationship. And it’s really not the money that makes the fight. Rich people fight about money as much as poor. I know that it sounds funny but Bill Gates is not immune to having money meltdowns. Ultimately, if you look at Donald Trump, he has made a reality show around his money battles, where the cornerstone of the show is him winning the fight with the words ‘you’re fired’. Since money is a tangible object that has intangible meaning, we put a lot of emphasis on it and when we feel out of control, we go into fight mode.

          During one of my bouts of therapy, I was introduced to a little exercise. I suggest you try it next time you are all torque up about something, especially money. Fill in the blank.

          If I don’t …(whatever it is that has you worried. For example, if I don’t have any money)

          Then I will…(whatever the outcome is. For example, I will lose my house.)

          If I … (whatever you said in the last sentence. For example, if I lose my house.)

          Then…

Keep doing this until you get to the ultimate, bottom line fear. You’ll know it because you will not be able to get past it. It will just keep repeating. Now here is a spoiler; it almost always ends with ‘I will die’. Yes, that is the basis of all fear. And you know what…you’re right. You are going to die so LIGHTEN UP.

           If we could just float away for a moment and look at our life from above, I think that we would all be surprised how much time we spend fighting, worrying, nagging, and ignoring the ones we love all in an attempt to stay with them.

          And, of course, I wrote a really heavy post for lighten up. Shit!

          Lee says: As CEO, Chef and Head Masseuse of CoupleDumb, I had Paul write this one since he is the King of Stupid Shit to be Worried About! As King of this domain, I felt it appropriate to have him reaffirm all his education and share with you his insights. Don’t believe he’s the king?

          When we were getting married 20 years ago, I had a bit of a melt down before the wedding. I was handling all the arrangements while Paul was my rock; my island of sanity, so I thought. A few days before the wedding when I finally had to leave it up to God and the comedy of the universe, Paul shared with me his one worry about the wedding. Was it the hotel, church, attendants, priest with the vows, the food, DJ or anything that could possibly go wrong. No. He was worried that someone might fall and embarrass themselves. Yes, I did a double take too.

          I think my sensitive response to this was, ‘What the fuck?’ So please, listen to your sensei.

Children:Badasses of Lighten Up

Kids and why you can't kill them

Jul 072009

Oh, lighten up!

        When it comes to lightening up, children are the make you or break you standard. Every parent knows that there is a very fine line between teaching our child appropriate limits and limiting our child with our own little nuggets of crazy. So if you have a wound too tight parenting style, lighten up before your kids lighten you up.

          Paul says: As a dad, I find myself needing to touch my lips to see if the weird shit that was just said actually came out of my mouth. These are not just the things that my parents said that I have sworn that I would never say. Those are bad enough. But I’m referring to the sentences that are unique to me since I cannot imagine the situation that provoked the phrase being universal.

          ‘Who’s poopoo are you holding?’

‘Don’t put things into your (supply anatomical hole)’

‘You’re okay. You just slipped on the peepee.’

‘Stop licking the dog!’

          Try saying these sentences, sometimes in rapid succession, and you see why I say that children will lighten you up. At some point, I figured out that I need to let some stuff go and give way to the little joys that are children. Now don’t get me wrong. If you’ve read our stuff, you know that we believe in discipline and good boundaries, especially in the child/parent dynamic, and my kids have been subject to a good non-child-services promoting beating but sometimes kids are kids.

          It is somewhat ironic that the things we most love and admire in children are the traits that we most try to squelch. Innocence, inquisitiveness, imagination and playfulness are unfortunately an anathema to a busy parent, something to be gently exorcized. We want them to explore the limits of their creativity but only on an 8 ½ X 11 sheet of paper and they need to be clean about it. We want them to play…quietly. We promote curiosity but not about anything fun and definitely not about our stuff.

          And we all know we do this. It’s part of parenting. Finding the balance between Attila the Dad and Bozo the Father is the great high wire act of child rearing. The question is whether we can retain our sanity while we search for this illusive equilibrium. Or, more succinctly, are we having fun being parents?

          For me, I know that the answer is ‘sometimes’. Generally I have a ‘no blood, no foul’ parenting attitude. But lately, as Lee and I have gotten busier promoting our book, Dysaffirmation: Because this kind of stupid takes work, my tolerance for the childlike nature on my two youngest has significantly waned. I am fully aware that I have ‘heavy-ed up’ over the last month and I am taking measures to rectify the situation. We are going on vacation this week and I look forward to saying the little fun things.

‘Yes, you can have pancakes for dinner.’

‘Run. Run like the wind.’

          So I encourage you all, next time you’re with your children and you see a puddle, attack it. Next sand box, show your kid how to create a castle then become a giant monster and stomp on it. But don’t eat poop and don’t put things up your nose.

And lighten up.

          Lee says: One of my favorite games to play with Paul is ‘What did you just say?’ Having three children and three dogs makes for some interesting things. The boys, who are significantly younger than our daughter, are like keeping monkeys. I have given up on trying to understand them and now look to my husband for an indication that he can communicate with our primates. They are funny, frustrating, cute and disgusting all at the same time.

          We are stressed right now trying to get things done and it makes being a zoo keeper more difficult to communicate with them without ranting and screaming. Hopefully our vacation will bring us some peace and I will once again be able to appreciate the howler monkeys and their feces throwing ways.