Justin Bieber » CoupleDumb

Celebrity Smackdown: Just Crazy

Sep 222010

Oh Smackdown, how I love thee. However, weeks like these that presents me with so many options for the smacking, I become overwhelmed like a fat kid in a candy store (or me with crunchy, savory things). Nonetheless, I must say something, right? I must address those who are begging for a love tap. I am beholden to my readers to lay ‘em down an smack ‘em yak ‘em. As a wise person once said ‘Chump don’t want no help. Chump don’t get no help.’

Randy and Evi Quaid: Can any facility open up some sort of padded honeymoon suite for these two whack-jobs? There is only so many times that a person can get arrested before an intervention must take place. Maybe Dennis can give his brother a call. Perhaps Randy can have Evi carve a phone out of a skull and they can have a nice long chat. Randy, if you have any sense left you will hang up that skull phone and quietly leave the Motel you are staying. You know the one with the special aluminum foil and black paint that double for curtains and blinds. Evi chose that Motel to keep the Vienna Boys Choir from reading her thoughts. Good luck and stick to roles that will show off your naturally psychotic side.

Lindsay Lohan: I have nothing to say. I predicted it, which makes me sad. Tune in for a really long post about this one.

Mel and Oksana exchange emails: ‘I’m a f*&king’ failure’, Mel writes. Oksana responds with ‘Please don’t torcher urself like that, please!!!! U dint do anything to be so hard on urself.’ O.K., this exchange is coming from the couple who takes up 70% of the TMZ news feed on a daily basis. This poorly written response comes from the woman who has hired and fired every attorney and PR firm in L.A. at least once because people are just not willing to go up against a guy who smacks his own dislocated shoulder into place. That son-of-a-bitch is tough! Oksana, instead of riding around town hiring and firing attorneys, take a few spelling lessons or use a spell checker. I also love the explanation that it was written quickly and in abbreviated language ala texting. Sorry honey, but ‘torcher’ is someone who torches and unless Mel planned on committing self-immolation, you used the wrong word. Go ahead, Oksana, look it up. And don’t get me started on dint. What the holy hell is DINT?

Justin Beiber sucking face with some chick in the back of Honda: Well, apparently the Beibs is not following the Jonas Bros lead of purity ring even though it was explained to him that ass-play did not count. I am still not convinced he is male or that he has any talent other than tamed hair. Perhaps a DNA test or maybe even a letter from his gynecologist confirming his gender could convince me of this. I don’t get it even a little. And to the adult women who like the Beibs I seriously am worried about your eyesight, hearing and judgment. If liking the Jonas Bros and Taylor Lautner was creepy, liking this twink is tantamount to pure perversion. I like men, personally and this boy/girl won’t be clear on where he lands on the gender wheel for a while.

There, just a little smacking to tide you over until next week where I will pull on my therapist cap and get medieval on some asses.

Celebrity Smackdown: @Celebs

Celebrity Smackdown

May 052010

          Ah, this week is like putting two mirrors together and getting that infinity effect; a blog talking about social media written by people who are using social media to get noticed as writers. Dizzying really. There are a lot of people out there who have embraced the social media phenomena and some celebrities like Ashton Kutcher who made it his bitch. Taking on CNN on the run to a million Twitter followers was not only genius but the litmus test to the power of social media. While he employed everything from his tweets to You Tube to make it to a million first, CNN relied on the boob tube to make a follower push for them. We know who won that bit but who is just failing at this type of media along with all others.

          The Lohan Family: Although it is fun and mildly amusing to see the drunken rants of Lindsay ‘someone set up her conservatorship fast’ Lohan or read her Dad’s ‘I got shit on tape’ Lohan talk crap about his daughter, it feels dirty. I mean, she’s pathetic. She is the poster child of every Just Say No thing you can imagine from cocaine to prescription drugs to drinking to smoking to dying your hair anything other than your real color especially when you are a red head who has a very specific complexion. Her Mother, Dinah ‘To bad I can’t have more babies to whore them out and I wonder how much the Simpson family spent on Ashley’s makeover because Ali looks like a 48 year old hag’ Lohan, is the poster child of denial. Is it that she can’t stand to let her once cash cow take a few weeks off from getting paid to party or thrown out of parties or getting paid by paparazzi to do something stupid or interviewed to show how TOTALLY fucked up Lindsay really is while she says the opposite….O.K. enough. Just do us a favor. STOP TWEETING!

          @justinbieber: I’ll admit, I don’t get it. My niece referred to him as smoking hot. I think he looks like a dyky girl. I have to admit when I see tweets like this ‘other than that…IM IN NEW ZEALAND!! THEY GOT NO PREDATORS IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY!! I AM THE MOST DANGEROUS CREATURE HERE!!’ I vomit in my mouth. Dangerous? My grandmother with two artificial hips, dementia and the tendency to change the story when it gets a little emotional can kick his ass with one hand on her walker. Listen kid, you aren’t dangerous and you’re no more than a fad and in about 5 years we’ll see you tweeting about getting drunk and the paparazzi are stalking you and you’re working on your comeback album that never comes out and your only hope of relevance is a reality show on VH-1.

          @davidarchuleta: Yeah, this guy was cut out of non-fat cream cheese. This guy is so hallmark sweetness that he makes my pancreas seize. This guy is so unbelievably vanilla that he makes Bieber look like he shoots up with Keith Richards while getting blown by Courtney Love. David Archuleta makes vanilla look like chocolate chocolate chunks with fudge. He is the white standard of mild. He wouldn’t know anger if it raped him with all the woodland creatures who follow him cheering it on. For this, I say, stop tweeting my little milquetoast friend until you’ve seen a vagina up close.

          Here is a short list of the celebs worth following: @rainnwilson (funny doesn’t begin to cover it), @aplusk (Ashton may not be a world class actor but he does use his status for good not evil. Of course, you can follow us @coupledumb unless you’re J. Bieber or Archuleta because we always follow you back and we can’t read anymore of your bland shit. Sorry.