judgment » CoupleDumb

Do Cubans Eat Peanut Butter?

Jul 312009

I AM the stinky cheese

         It’s Friday of judgment week which sounds scarier than it really is. We have been discussing the effects of judgment and how this takes you away from your experience. Since we did our radio show yesterday, we didn’t have the opportunity to discuss how judgment messes up a couple. So instead of waiting for next Thursday to pick up this topic, we will discuss it today. We can do that because it’s our blog and we can do what we want. So there.

          Lee says: When I worked with couples back in the day, aside from a crappy sex-life, the final nail in the relationship coffin was how the partners would judge one another. Every idiosyncrasy would get dissected and used as evidence of their unworthiness. However, let’s face it, day in and day out with the same human being can wear on everyone and, unless you are from royalty or really sick, you weren’t raised together. So of course there will be differences that you will judge negatively and/or positively.

          In my case, I found myself married to a ‘white guy’. I am the daughter of Cubans and was born and raised in Los Angeles, California. Being born and raised there didn’t matter one bit since my parents, at that point, were not assimilated into the culture. Case in point, we never had peanut butter or cool cereal. My Mom just wouldn’t buy it. In fact, the only way we ever ate anything ‘American’ in our home was because either my sister or I would learn to make it. Sunday breakfast was very different once Aidi mastered the pancake!

          So marrying Paul was a bit of a culture shock. But did I judge the love of my life and object of my desire? You bet your ass I did! For the first year of our marriage, we spent most of our time talking about ‘this is how we did it back home’. In some areas, I was very flexible and was able to observe him like Dian Fosse and her gorillas. In other areas, my judgments were so thick that I could hardly see my husband anymore and he was a total stranger.

          Some of the hotter topics centered around cleanliness. I tend to be a little OCD when it comes to personal sanitation and Paul is more lackadaisical about the whole topic. I could have easily convinced my family that Paul’s lack of hygiene appreciation was grounds for divorce. I could have made up my mind that everything else was trivial compared to this. Sure he was a great guy but he would get a little ripe at the end of the day.

          In Paul’s defense, I am a personal clean freak. I can guarantee freshness better than produce people. My judgment of people who can’t is that they are dirty and irresponsible. So how can I have that belief/judgment and stay married to a man who can’t tell that his deodorant lost the fight?

          This is where choosing to love and staying in the moment is so important. In the present is where you feel but being present is a task. It takes every once of strength when you first start doing it. In the present is where you find your joy; a pure experience that is only experienced now and now. Hippy, mumbo jumbo aside, when I focused on that one thing I lost sight of the man I love and could only see a pig. I was no longer present and there was no way I could enjoy him without forcing myself back into the moment.

          Today, Paul has given into my crazy and keeps himself smelling good. Can he guarantee freshness like me? No, but few people can. I am a freak and I don’t need anyone’s judgment to tell me that.

          Paul says: Judgment in a relationship is like an American going to England on July 4^th and being pissed that he’s not getting to see fireworks. When you step back from the situation, you can see the ridiculousness of it but when you are in the fog of righteousness, nothing is going to dissuade you from being…well…right.

          As for my stinkiness: Degree Clinical Protection. If you can break that shit, you can melt a brick under your pits.

Six pups. No judgment.

Kids and why you can't kill them

Jul 282009

The Doggy Doula and her wards.
          As the sun dawns on a new Tuesday, we are gently woken by the squealing of our new puppies. Our doggy, which we rescued in late May, gave birth to 6 puppies that look more like rats; all white and pink feet and faces. We thought, due to her previous behavior that she would be a mediocre Mom. We judged her. To our surprise, she has turned out to be very attentive to her babies and we would challenge anyone to find a puppy with a cleaner ass than these. Her dedication makes us look at how much we are willing to do for our Pups. We know ass licking is completely off the table.

          Lee says: I remember my first few minutes with each of my kids. That overwhelming ‘Oh Shit!’ moment of ‘I can’t believe this is mine’ and ‘What the fuck am I going to do?’ Those moments extend into hours, then days and then lifetimes. Some moments I am more comfortable than others but then there are those moments that put you back into the ‘Oh Shit!!’

          We are talking about judging this week and parents are the worst at this. We can strive to be present and in our experience but when it comes to our kids, we have the gavel in hand at all times. Are they dressed warm enough? Cool enough? Have they eaten enough? Slept enough? Are their friends good enough for them? Hoodlums? Whores? Are they smart enough? Are we enriching them enough? Are they growing up to be good people? Serial Killers?

          We, as parents, spend so much time worrying about our kids being enough in one way or another that we forget to enjoy them; experience the wonder of being unfettered with issues, baggage and bullshit. It is those moments that make being a parent wonderful. Instead, our behavior teaches our kids that ultimately, we believe they are lacking. Our overbearing worry teaches them that there is something wrong with them. They are not enough.

          What do you do with all that worry? You let it go. Our worry is our own judgment of ourselves. Are we enough as parents? What will people think about us? If my kid stinks, how will that reflect on me?

          Yeah, I know you’re saying, ‘Lee, that isn’t me!’ But it is. It’s all of us. This is why we all get the same strollers, onesies and anti-colic bottles. This is why your kids do sports and you stand there and cheer your little heart out. Are you doing enough? Are you enough as a parent?

          Nothing tests this as much as parenting a teenager. Babies, for all the poop and lack of sleep, are easy. But an adolescent girl will make you question your belief in God. Your parenting chops must include some serious faith in your child. You have to know that you understand how their warped little minds work and outthink them. Such was the case with our daughter on Sunday. I had promised my sister-in-law to help with grilling duties for my niece’s birthday party and Hazel, the doggy, decided she was ready to pop out puppies at the same time. Jeannie had wanted to be a vet since she was a baby and suddenly changed her dream after the death of a couple of our dogs.

          So the judgment: did Jeannie have the stones to sit there with Hazel while she had her puppies or would she panic and try to intervene or worse, run away? Is Jeannie the animal whisperer that we know she is? When I asked her to stay with Hazel she had the ‘Oh shit’ face that I know so well. Before we left her, I checked on her one last time and she was on the verge of tears. That was my ‘Oh shit’ moment. Four hours and 6 puppies later, Jeannie was a new person. She remembered who she was despite her own judgment of herself that she could not deal with death.

          Sometimes a parent needs to believe in who they know their child is despite all evidence to the contrary. I know it sucks. But then again, what do you expect from a job that involves vaginal ripping, nipple cracking and shit cleaning. It doesn’t get better from there.

          Paul says: My only judgment on this is that I don’t want nine dogs in the house. My other judgment is that no one listens to me.

          Lee responses: Huh?