Hero » CoupleDumb

I don't do heroes... or do I?

Feb 052010

I think the enima is helping.

          Today we are blessed with a post from our friend Christine the author of Raised Queer. We don’t remember if she found us or we found her but we are very happy to know each other now. Her blog is no-nonsense and whether she is just sharing her own everyday crazies (where she mentions us. We swear she never received a dime or sexual favor for this)or ranting about judgmental people, she is honest, irreverent and funny. Check out her words on heroes. Then go read her blog (especially the two posts we just mentioned). Thanks you Christine!

          Christine says: I’ll admit that I was really excited when Lee first contacted me about writing a guest post for coupledumb.com. I had never guest-posted before and was chomping at the bit. Then she told me the topic this week was “Heroes” and I was honestly like, well…..What the hell? Heroes, really? I didn’t want to tell her that we don’t do heroes in our family and to pretty-please give me another topic. I changed my mind because I was reminded of spoiled actor-types that demand only green M&M’s and Evian in their dressing rooms and how I abhor that type of behavior. So I decided to just be thankful for the opportunity and embrace the challenge, come what may.

          This acceptance proved to be difficult, though, because my mind was blank on the subject. After much unproductive thought, I decided to ask my family what their opinions were; because even though I don’t do them, maybe they did and could give me some insight. Well, Ha and Ha. My oldest son when asked, said: “Hmm…I don’t really believe in the idea of heroes.” And my daughter simply stated: “They’re stupid”. I said: “What do you mean, they’re stupid?” “Mom, I don’t believe in heroes. Stupid like Santa and the tooth fairy.” Ah, she’s thinking the make-believe-super-type of hero, the kind that can fly/hop around the world in 8 hours, visiting every house and dodge bullets while saving the day. I have to agree, those are stupid. And at this point, defeated, I didn’t even bother to ask my husband because I was afraid he’d say the same thing. Or worse yet, he’d say: Magic Johnson. I won’t argue his skills on the court, because yes, he is a most excellent baller. But Magic fell from grace, in my opinion, when his condom slipped off somewhere between his wife and 999th mistress.

          I think it’s popular belief that heroes save lives and that most of them embody great physical strength. Undoubtedly, people step up in extraordinary ways every single day. Firefighters, police officers, pilots, volunteers, etc. They have the potential to save lives at any given moment. Many of them do and they are often considered heroes. I wonder, though, is it really necessary to risk your life to be considered a hero? And do we need a head count on the lives that have been saved before the honor is bestowed? I don’t believe so.

          If it is possible to be considered a hero whether or not you’ve risked your life or can count the lives you’ve saved, then I know who some of mine would be. To me, Dave Pelzer fits the bill, for things undone; actions not taken. He represents all of the nameless and faceless adults with similar case histories of unfathomable abuse suffered as children. Those adults who have made the decision somewhere along the line to break the cycle. We can only imagine the lives saved because they have chosen, somehow, to not perpetuate the violence.

          At first glance, these people may seem unremarkable. They’re next door neighbors, co-workers and members of the congregation. There hasn’t been an article in the newspaper or a segment on the news that covered their acts of courage and bravery, nor have they been given a key to the city. They just go to work, pay their taxes, play golf, attend PTA meetings and come home and eat dinner with their families. Ordinary, I know.

          I suppose it could be argued that just because one behaves in a manner that is socially responsible and acceptable, that that alone doesn’t make them “hero” material. But I believe these people are the exception. Especially since I see and read the stories in the news every day about criminals that have molested, raped and/or murdered a child with an “I was abused as a child” defense. The choice to not intentionally harm another- whether it’s mentally or physically, in spite of all the wrong that has been committed against oneself, is exemplary behavior. That’s how I feel about the subject.

          You know, I’m really thankful now that I was presented with this topic; it made me re-think my whole stance on heroes and my blanket disbelief in them. Holy shit! I do have heroes. And to think: just yesterday I was ‘heroless’ and today I am self-serving because I’ve redefined the word just so I could have some. Go me.

Who's your hero, baby?

Relationship Rejects

Feb 042010

I feel safe. Really, I do. Now slowly step back. No sudden movements.

It is Thursday of a really, really tough week here at the CoupleDumb. We had it all this week, from an extra workload to a sick kid. Since we are talking about Heroes this week, maybe one will come this way. We could use a visit from ‘Watch the kids while you nap’ man and his side kick, Ms. Maid.

Paul says: What are the characteristics of a hero? We already know what we do not want in a hero. They need to assist but not rescue. They need to be accessible, only sitting on the pedestal long enough to get a good birds-eye view before joining the rest of the world. So what makes a hero?

          Bravery seems to me to be on the top of the list. Obviously, if a hero is not willing to leap into action then he/she is not much of a hero. I can’t imagine the Man of Steel staying in his Fortress of Solitude because people are icky and he might catch something. I can see Spiderman doing this but I do not want to go off on a geek driven tangent so let’s just say that a hero needs to be brave.

          There is a difference between being brave and being fearless. A hero must be brave. A sociopath needs to be fearless. General Omar Bradley said that bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death. And speaking of performing properly, this brings us to the other thing that a hero needs to have : a plan. It helps if it is a good plan. A conversation that you never hear from a hero:

          ‘What are we going to do, Dark Knight?’

          ‘Hell if I know. Call me when you have an idea.’ (Then he strolls off to get coffee.)

          Even if the plan sounds like ‘we wing it’, a hero always has some idea of where to go and what to do next.

          Lastly but most obviously, the hero is the good guy (or gal to be PC-ish). No matter how dark, surly, twisted or angry, the hero always does the right thing in the end.

          So why all of the pontificating about heroes on a day that we are supposed to be talking about relationships? Because we are all heroes. We all have the capacity to put our fears aside, leap into the fray, and do the right thing. Over the past year, Lee and I have written about love, marriage, happiness and the corporate structure of a good relationship but somewhere in this search for union there is a hero. This is the person that says ‘I love you’ despite the fear, that says that everything will be all right even if unsure, that takes the high road and makes everyone better for it.

          For me, that person is Lee. This is not the part where I say nice things about her and know that I will get laid tonight. Instead, this is a matter of practicality. When I look at her, I know that she is there for me, that the day to day fears of living a life together will be pushed away for a greater good. This is the way that love has to be. First you become your own hero then you fall in love with one.

          Lee says: Aw. Now I need to check his cell phone and emails. I’m kidding.

          Seriously though, I’m with Paul on this. Not just the ‘Lee’s a hero thing’ but the part where in a relationship there is some signs of idolization of the partner. You see them in their highest possibility, in all their glory way before they ever see that in themselves. You know the image of Superman glowing on top of the world with his cape flapping behind him? That’s how we see our partners and that’s how, in a good relationship, they see us. We are each others biggest fans which is good since I already have his autograph and usually can do it better than him.

Homer Simpson is a Hero

Kids and why you can't kill them

Feb 022010

Tap. Tap. Tap.

          We are talking about Heroes on CoupleDumb. No, we are not talking about the TV show Heroes because we have chosen to break off that relationship as one might leave an abusive lover. This week we are looking at Heroes in the world and in our lives. Since it is Tuesday, we must be talking about children. Of course, heroes plus children brings us to dad. Gandhi must have had a dad that he idolized as did Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. Today we will place upon the pedestal a true American father, an icon of fatherly role modeling, a man who knows love like a prostitute knows a good slap in the head. Homer Simpson. Doh!

          Paul says:   So how does an overweight, four-fingered, balding, rageaholic dad with obvious signs of jaundice make it to my list of heroes? Because he reminds me of my dad if my dad was missing a digit. Do you find that mean? I don’t. There are some events that only a father can do and flip from tragedy to hilarity. Now I will close my eyes and drift back to a childhood example. My dad went to fix the toilet, one day of my youth. The seat seemed to wiggle a little when we sat on it. So with screwdriver in hand, he entered the bathroom with the intensity of a surgeon. Several minutes later, after letting loose a string of obscenities that would make a Tourette sufferer envious, my father immerged, red and sweating, to get another tool. A hammer. Nothing good could come of this but dad was on a roll and would not be dissuaded. Tap. Tap. Tap. Curse. Tap. Curse. Crack and water. Blue water came flowing out of the bathroom and into the hall. By the time that my father was done with this little project, we had a new toilet and the bathroom had a fresh coat of paint.

          The thing that makes the Homer archetype so important is that it is real, like the big red balls of my childhood, bearing down on my head. Homer is a guy that just keeps trying and somewhere in his string of failures he finds that he has succeeded. The Catholic newspaper, L’Osservatore Romana, recently gave our man Homer a big thumbs up because he reflects, in their opinion, real life feelings towards faith and God. I agree and I am going to say that he also mirrors real parenting attitudes. Hey, I have three kids also and I know firsthand how hard it is to remember all three of their names when I need to. Jeannie, Bobby and the other one that looks like Bobby are the nucleus of my fatherhood but that does not mean that they can’t work a little harder at making me a better father.

          Yesterday Lee wrote about the folly of putting a hero up on a pedestal, making them something that can only lead to disappointment. I am saying that Homer is a hero, not because of the things that he has accomplished but because of the road that he has taken to that success. Like my dad and, I hope, like me, the important part of Homer’s herohood is that the children are always around to witness it.

          Lee says: I am happy Paul chose to discuss fathers as heroes since I see him in the running to be a huge influence on each of our kids. Jeannie, our newly turned 17 year old, has learned that a man can be geeky, powerful, vulnerable and affectionate. She will choose a man with the same energy of a 7 1/2 year old who is also intelligent, playful and romantic. He has no idea how lucky she is to have him.

          My Dad is a great man too. Sure, he has his human flaws but after we extract human folly, he was the perfect example of a self made person I could have. My Dad escaped communism, worked hard and, with my mother, opened their own risks make life exciting.

          I will add, now that they are older and trying to settle down, they’re like putting a tarp on a race car. They are always racing around trying to participate and make things happen. Sure, they are older but regardless of their flaws, they are still my heroes. Of course, at their age, pedestals are just dangerous.