We don’t know whether it was the second or third child. We don’t know whether it was turning 40 a few years ago. We don’t know whether it was an overdeveloped sense of good taste but we readily admit some popular culture has totally escaped us. We refuse to dress in the same clothes we wore in the 70s and 80s. Lee has a picture of her mom next to a Pontiac sporting a frosted wig, leotard, red pants, zebra coat and big bee-eyed sun-glasses which today would be really cool. We have missed much and what little we know comes from listening to the music our 16 year likes, reading the Twilight series for the literary value and the occasional mention of stuff on TMZ or Perez. So this week’s Celebrity Smackdown is based on what little we know of a certain young couple in the land of notoriety. However, to know them little is probably a good thing.

Lee says: You can’t watch celebrity news, pick up a magazine or read a gossip site without seeing something about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. For the longest time it just buzzed in the background like a faulty appliance humming away before the breakdown. Then they were thrust on an unsuspecting world; front and center for everyone to see and wonder ‘Who the fuck are these people and why are they all over the place?’

          Since we’re talking about young love this week, I will begin to discuss their relationship. What we know is that they began their relationship while on ‘The Hills’. Spencer, who seems to be the Alpha Narcissist, made a play on Heidi and they have been inseparable ever since. The show, which was billed as reality, has been exposed to be a ‘kind of’ reality show that is ‘kind of’ scripted. Methinks Spencer found this to be a good idea and has taken this concept as a way of life. Are they in love? Who the fuck knows. Are they in business? That one is obvious even to a square person like me.

          The two have branded themselves into paparazzi puppets and use the media like it’s a 20 dollar hooker whenever they want. And what does the public do? They eat it up. Why are we supporting this? Because we are easy to entertain and actually believe things that are published. These two will do anything to get attention from being McCain supporters to having a pretend wedding in Mexico and everyone knows the only thing you do in Mexico is buy pharmaceuticals and ponchos.

          Listen up, we understand publicity and need for attention. We write a blog so we can get attention for our own writing (and we are still looking for an agent [hint, hint]). But, there is a something we have that stops us short of flashing a titty and that would be a little thing called integrity. Hey Spencer and Heidi, why don’t you look it up. Better yet, Spencer, you look it up because I doubt your bride can read let alone handle a dictionary. You’ll find it between ‘instigate’ and ‘intestines’.

          But what does this have to do with love? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because these two are more like a business partnership than an actual relationship. They are both media whores and even their wedding was something that they did twice for the cameras. Where’s the sacredness of that union? California let’s these two douchebags marry but they have a little problem with a committed gay couple that don’t tip off the paps every time they go pick up a latte at the local Starbucks. These two had a church wedding! You would think it would have been a circus wedding. However, with all their cast mates there and the re-introduction of Kristin Cavallari, boom mikes and Kraft services in the confessionals, it was a circus. What does their marriage, Cavallari and Kraft services have to do with love? I have no fucking clue but I do know that NBC could have done the world a favor by killing them on ‘I’m a celebrity. Get me out of here’ and they blew it.

          Paul says: I have no idea who these people are and probably wouldn’t until one of them bleeds publicly.