Real Relationship Advice

Every so often we need to revisit the idea of happiness. We like to use phrases like relationship advice, parenting advice, or self-help but in reality the only thing that we here at CoupleDumb want is for you to be happy. No matter how many emotions we throw into the psychic blender, happiness always floats to the top.

Unfortunately, even though we are all seeking happiness, very few know anything about it. So here are 5 myths about happiness to set the record straight.

Myth 1: You can’t be happy and sad.

Any time that scientists put a person’s head in a big machine and show them alternating pictures of kitties and dead kitties, you know that fun will ensue. What the whitecoats found was that happiness lit up one part of the brain and sadness lit another. It is possible to have the happy and sad parts lit up at the same time. Depression, on the other hand, was the turning-off of the happiness area.

I know that I have the same emotional responses as a four year old. When someone says no to me, I get sad. But I am still happy to have someone to be sad with.

Myth 2: You can’t be happy all the time.

Yes you can. We would never want anyone to think that CoupleDumb is telling them to suppress emotions. We are not. We are saying that most people do not label emotions correctly and they put meaning to the emotion that is not there. You can be happy and sad. You can be happy and frustrated. You can be happy and tired. All of these things can be going on at one time yet studies show that people use one to negate the other. So go ahead and be happy all of the time.

Myth 3: Happiness is always weepy.

This is where studying liars pays off. When psychologists analyzed video of people lying about emotional states, the people lying would be overly emotional. One study looked at people making a plea for the return of a missing family member. The people that, according to overwhelming evidence, probably killed the missing person gave an overly emotional performance.

Happiness is not weepy. It is subtle and pleasant. If someone is crying about how happy they are, they are either lying or drunk.

Myth 4: God makes you happy.

Church goers are happier, not because of God, but because of the people in church. Research shows that people who go to church are happier because it brings up their overall sense of wellbeing by being around other people. This is not God bashing, by the way. We are going to put it out there that the greatest gift that God gives us is other people.

Myth 5: Happiness isn’t sexy.

At least in women it is. In another of those ‘show people pictures’ studies, the most sexy emotion according to men looking at pictures of women is happiness. Interestingly, women found pride to be sexy in men. This is not as bad as it sounds because scientists see pride as long-term goal success. They consider pride and happiness the same thing, except that happiness is short term and pride is long term. So for the purposes of this myth, happiness is sexy. Remember that.

Now that you know the myths, it is your turn to make some new realities. Be happy. It’s good for you.

 

Real Relationship Advice

We are committed to happiness. In our Happiness Manifesto, we lay out the ways of being; thinking and believing that facilitate a lasting happiness in your life.  We believe everyone can be happy if they make some very fundamental changes in their thinking and behavior. The Happiness Manifesto stresses not only personal responsibility but also an understanding that we live in relationships and maintaining these connections is important in maintaining our commitment to Happiness. Today we will provide the secrets to keeping a happy marriage. NOTE: The following aren’t things that you can do sometimes. Happiness is not like Valentine’s Day. You must practice these things all the time.

1. Be courteous: One of the first things to be chucked out of the relationship repertoire is courtesy. For some reason, as we become comfortable, we decide that the niceties of humanity do not matter. We stop saying ‘thank you’. We stop saying ‘you’re welcome’. We stop treating one another the way civil society dictates we deal with perfect strangers. Yes, we treat strangers better than our loved ones. For some reason, we mistake comfort for safety. A relationship is an oasis from the craziness of the world. Instead of cherishing this sanctuary, we take it for granted. This rudeness trickles down to our children as well. Familiarity and comfort breeds complacency and then we wonder why we have ‘lost that loving feeling.’ Say ‘thank you’ and mean it. You will see a dramatic change in your feelings.

2. Be kind: As a continuation to the last secret, we also become complacent when it comes to being kind with our partners. We tend to limit our overtures of love to special occasions or after we argue. We think a bouquet of flowers or a gift will assuage the hurt we caused. However, if we practiced kindness with our partner, we would never get to the point of hurting one another! If there is anything we could teach you is this: if there is something you would not say to a business associate because it may endanger your job then don’t say it to your partner! Would you call your employer a name? Would you demean, insult, dismiss your boss? Of course you wouldn’t! So why would we do that to the person you have committed your life and love to?

3. Be forgiving: We allow many people to do things to us and we choose to forgive and forget. Our friends violate our boundaries or take us for granted and we accept the apology and move on. In a relationship, it usually takes more than that. Couples may pretend to forgive but hardly forget. True forgiveness comes with a commitment to let the hurt go. True forgiveness does not allow for harboring a grudge. That is the same as paying someone to carry a boulder and carrying it yourself and complaining the whole time! Why forgive if we are going to use it as leverage for future arguments? We understand the media portrayal of relationship. We understand what your friends and even family will encourage you to do. A relationship, regardless of what you have seen and heard, is NOT a competition. Let things go and focus of your commitment to be HAPPY!

Being happy in a relationship is as simple as this: You are supposed to feel safe in your relationship. Nothing creates safety like courtesy, kindness and forgiveness.