It is so important to respect our elders. Our senior citizens hold the history of our world. They are a vast wealth of experience and knowledge that we can only aspire to be when we are blessed to reach such an advanced age. However, when grandma starts wearing her panties on the outside of her clothes and grandpa doesn’t understand why you get upset that he tells your kids how he got laid when he was in uniform, then it’s time to put them out to pasture or get all soylent green on them.

          So this past Tuesday, Haiti experienced a disastrous earthquake near the country’s capital. The aftermath was nothing but horrifying destruction and death. Pat Robertson, during his 700 Club appearance on Wednesday, clued us all in on why Haiti suffered such a horrible event. Simply put: Haiti sold its soul to the devil to get rid of the French. What? He said it was a true story so we need to believe him, right?  This was around the time of Napoleon the Third, according to Pat ‘the scholar’ Robertson. Yo Pat! There was only one Napoleon (this is why everybody hates Americans because we come off like ignorant assholes like this douche bag). And it was in the 1800s not 1770 that Napoleon sent in his forces thus the pact with the Devil was probably not done until then. And, if you know your Haitian history at all, you would know they would have been hard pressed to get everyone to agree on anything back then (or now) including a pact with the Devil.

          Then he goes on to describe how Hispaniola (and it’s pronounced with the ñ Pat, you stupid redneck) is split with the affluent Dominican Republic on one side and the shithole Haiti on the other. We are sure that the poor and destitute in the Dominican Republic are in agreement. We’re sure that things must look beautiful for Pat while he sips his Virgin Piña Colada in his huge shorts and trucker tan at a resort on the beach in the Dominican Republic while the same poor sell chiclets on the streets and rob the tourists. 

          But with this same theory, does it mean that Oklahoma made a deal with some Demi-Demon since they are constantly hit by tornados and have little to no tourist attractiveness? Come on, it would make sense. The place is a hell hole already. And this also explains the weird ass weather in San Francisco and the rain in Seattle. And if you ever wondered why Hawaii had so many volcanoes, now you know. Thanks Pat! In one fell swoop, you have brought back polytheism and the only thing missing is the Swamp God of Florida and Stink Monster of Mexico City.  Pat needs to be put in a chair in front of a window with a blanket on his legs so he can talk to his imaginary friends and make up more shit. Anyone who listens to this bastard is a complete ignoramus and should probably wear a helmet for their own protection.    

          Take a minute and donate to Doctors without Borders and the American Red Cross for all their efforts in Haiti. Our hearts, thoughts and prayers are with all the families affected by the devastation.