This is Paul. It's good to be king.

          Can you feel it? There are only a couple of days before Thanksgiving and you can smell the excitement in the air. We get so wrapped up in the turkey and fixings that we forget why we do this. No, CoupleDumb will not be leading you into a retelling of how the Pilgrims gave thanks because they weren’t dead. No, we aren’t going to mention that that story is a little skewed and the act of giving thanks was really that of the Native Americans. Just something else we stole from them. No, we are going to focus on our kids and how to teach them to be grateful people and not self-entitled little shits. Now pass the mashed potato!


          Lee says: Kids are changing. Parents are caving. The act of appreciating what you have is becoming a lost art form. If it doesn’t have blinking lights or a lithium charger then it’s stupid and tossed to one side. Kids are watching there shows and realizing that we, as parents, are dispensable too!  Have you watched any of those shows on Disney and Nick? Out of 5 shows maybe one set of kids have active parents. In most cases, the parents are extras or support players. Kids are learning that they can raise themselves and if they have everything they ‘need’, parents are just a nuisance.


          Well, not in my house! First of all, our kids aren’t allowed to watch that tripe. The networks try to sneak it in between cartoons but we nip that as soon as the theme song goes on. Those shows get their laughs from the broad comedy that we see in old vaudeville. Mugging for the camera. Over the top reactions to insanely unlikely scenarios. However, because they are real actors, the kids begin to believe that big reactions and drama are normal. Well, it ain’t, at least in my house.


          My boys have this thing where they watch their cartoons and, when a cool toy comes on, they yell out ‘I want that!’ The toys range from any of the cool cars (Hot Wheels) to movie toys that are so amazing (Star Wars, Transformers). They even say things like ‘I want to give that to Gabby!’ (my niece) when it’s a doll or Barbie. Now, do they expect to get those things? Do they expect Mom and Dad to hold up Geoffrey the Giraffe at gun point and empty out Toys R Us including their weird toys that no one knows why they would carry such items? Do my boys think that our 14 foot Christmas tree is going to be dwarfed by the amount of gifts the fat man in the red suit is bringing them? No.


          My kids are not wanting but they have never and will never be spoiled. We teach them at an early age that one is enough and to be grateful for what they have. Thank you is just as important as saying please. In our home, we say thank you whenever anyone does anything. For example, ‘Bobby, pick up your toys!’ is quickly followed by ‘Thanks Bobby!’ Now Bobby does the same thing with Ricky. When we go out, the kids are held to the same standards. The boys have learned to walk through the store with their hands at their back. When we ask them to get something for us it is quickly followed by the call and response of ‘thanks’ and ‘you’re welcome’.


          Life is pleasant in our home. Everyone pulls their weight and no one expects a pass because they are too small. Everybody is expected to give their thanks even for getting food! Does this mean we have no revolts in this faux socialist kingdom (faux since Paul and I are the bosses and I don’t give a crap how many times you say please or thank you to me)? Sure they revolt! They argue! They bitch! But at the end of the day, they are thankful for what they have since they know that all knowing and controlling king and queen can take it all away in a second. And for their great benevolence, they are grateful!   
  

          Paul says: Our children are revolting? Hell, they’re disgusting! Sorry but I needed to do the bad joke, not because it is funny but because it is accurate. One of the problems with the ungrateful brats on TV is that they do not say thank you to the obvious but unseen cleaning person. Everything in these kid’s lives is pristine whereas my kids eat like Henry the Eighth’s sloppy cousin, dropping food whenever they become bored. But we taught them well because they are always grateful when, 15 minutes later, they happen upon the same chunk of banana, realize that they are still hungry and pop it in their mouth.

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Dude, you are not Sailor Moon! Let it go!

          It’s Monday of Thanksgiving Day week here at CoupleDumb and the concept of gratefulness is on our minds. Of course, once something is on our mind, it immediately goes to our fingers.  So this week, we are going to write about gratefulness in CoupleDumb style, whatever that is, and you can read it and be thankful for us.


          Paul says:  I’m going to get all Socratic on you first thing in the morning. Sorry. You cannot be thankful for something without acknowledging its existence. I do not remember whether it was Plato or Socrates that said that naming something gives it existence. In essence, we can’t name something that isn’t and, if we can name it, then it must be real. Deep, isn’t it?


          Now let’s move to Buddhist philosophy. Every moment is individual, neither living in the past nor existing in the future. This kind of stuff is what I usually think up while earning a hangover but, trust me, I am going somewhere with this. Besides, you didn’t think that we would just say, ‘hey, it’s good to be grateful’, did you?


          When I sit at the Thanksgiving table and declare that I am grateful, I am invoking one moment in the existence of one thing that I am thankful. This year I will be thankful for Ricky, my annoying two year old, but the second that I say that he ceases to exist and becomes another new ball of frustration and joy. The daughter that I am thankful for now is not the one that I was thankful for last year. We are grateful for a moment in time, a memory or a hope for the future.


          Where am I going with this? Let me give one more piece of philosophy. If you never let go from a hug then you are Siamese twins and peeing gets messy. Part of what makes an embrace so special is the separation at the end. One of the things that Lee and I have done in our therapy groups is to give away something that we are attached to, something that we have had for a very long time and that means something special to us. The results are magical. I gave away something from my grandmother and, in doing so, allowed myself to introduce my deceased spiritual protector to the world. By letting go of the pain of her death, I was able to celebrate all of the blessed moments of her life with me. You cannot receive a hug with your arms folded. (OK, now I just sound like a fortune cookie.)


          The other half of being thankful is letting go and knowing that the new moments created will also be something to be grateful for. Now, I’m not saying that I am going to be thankful for Ricky while putting him out on the curb. But I am releasing the old little man for whom I am so grateful and embracing the new dude that will create fresh memories that will soon give way to other things for me to be thankful for. And I will release those… and so on… and so on.
   

           Lee says: I need to watch that Paul doesn’t slip scotch in his coffee. Wow, what the hell was he smoking? Buddhism? Socratic method? Peeing on your Siamese Twin? I can safely say that I am grateful for sanity and not having ADD. Apparently my husband can’t say the same.


          I kid. I kid a lot. Something happened when we were on the cruise that I found so amazing. We were discussing his grandmother and my great aunt (both deceased) and I was getting a little mushy. Sure it could have been the intoxication but I have mentioned that my grandparents were a little lacking. In my case, my Great Aunt Hilda was my soul grandmother. She was loving, supportive and did all the bad things grandparents are supposed to, like feed me things I shouldn’t be eating and playing baseball inside the house. She would have gotten a kick out of all these great things happening to me and Paul (did I mention she adored him?)


          Anyways, while we were sitting there knocking back our drinks. Paul said that he was happy that his grandmother and my great aunt had passed when they did because they would not be able to handle being incapacitated. He explained how they left when they were still contributing to the world and able to understand things. Now, they can support and love us from the other side of the veil. That is so big for Paul. This is a man who could not acknowledge death or grieve. Loss is universal and to truly experience happiness we must embrace our losses, feel the grief and let them go. So this year I am grateful for my husband’s growth. He’s such a big boy and I am so proud!

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