Real Relationship Advice

The National Organization of Marriage is calling for a boycott of Starbucks. They are reacting to the following memorandum according to their boycott website:  ‘On January 12th, 2012, Starbucks issued a memorandum declaring that same-sex marriage ‘is core to who we are and what we value as a company.’ The funny part is that that isn’t really the full quote from the memo. Are you surprised? What Starbucks actually said in the memo was, ‘This important legislation is aligned with Starbucks business practices and upholds our belief in the equal treatment of partners. It is core to who we are and what we value as a company.’ The legislation they refer to is the Washington State legislation to recognize marriage equality for same sex-couples. So where is the WTF about this? I know fish got to swim and bigots need to get pissed at big corporations that give credence to the need for equality.

The WTF comes from this: nothing is more important to the silent majority than our coffee. We would sell our children for a good cup of coffee. We would walk on glass for our java. We would provide sexual favors to a master barista for a good cup of Joe.  NOM’s call for a boycott on one of our major suppliers is tantamount to declaring war on all of us. Are we going to let these narrow-minded, uptight, kyriocentric assholes take our coffee away? Are we going to keep our mouth shut while these hypocritical, prejudiced, ignorant, homophobes picket, disparage our pushers? I say HELL NO! Mama needs her Venti, Non-Fat, Latte with one raw sugar and I will be damned if these love and coffee hating people will take it away from me.

You see the problem is that we have been too quiet. We see these assholes campaigning for Santorum and deriding our beloved Starbucks and we laugh. We think, ‘Nothing will come of this’, but the reality is that all of this affects the world.  We figure these whackos have no traction. We figure who the fuck is going to be OK with shutting down Starbucks; they don’t need my voice among the millions of others. But, the truth is, we do.

Starbucks stood up for equality and these assholes are pissed about it. They talk about people imposing legislation for same sex marriage. Impose is a weird word. You see as a normal human being who believes in equality in every aspect of life, I don’t believe marriage equality would be imposed on me. They won’t come into my house and remove my husband and trade him in for a swarthy, Latin lady who will call me Mami and Paul won’t be paired with a twink named Blake with a tongue and eyebrow piercing. Allowing same sex marriage won’t affect my marriage in the least. No one will be imposing anything on me. It kind of makes me think that these closeted freaks may not be fantasizing about being ‘imposed’ while bent over.

The reality is if these fuckers manage to get any traction on their Starbucks boycott, they will be imposing on my ability to procure my espresso. If these guys rally the vocal minority we could be seeing some difficulty in getting your Mocha Frappuccino in the afternoon. Now that would be an imposition.

The words they use show such an incredible lack of understanding and delusional position when it comes to the fundamental aspects of marriage. I feel that when a couple marries to divorce a few months later, that affects the sanctity of marriage. When a normal course of antibiotics is longer than your average marriage, that affects the sanctity of marriage. When people talk about marriage being between a man and a woman and anything else is an abomination, that affects the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is a contract based on a commitment that comes from love. Entering into it because Mommy said so or for financial gain or to increase the power of a business/government affects the sanctity of a marriage. All of these are good things to rile against. A marriage based on love, mutual respect and a commitment to the needs, dreams and desires of your partner should be celebrated regardless of the composition of gender of the partners.

I stand with Starbucks. I will buy my coffee from them. I will procure my marble loaf and ask for an extra shot for good measure. I applaud their position on respecting partners. I would be totally OK if NOM boycotted liver. For that I will shut my mouth and look on from the sidelines.