Friends » CoupleDumb

Children and Friends. Bad Idea.

Jul 212009

A teen with her friends

          Today we are writing about friends and children. We’ll give you the bottom right up front. Children shouldn’t have friends because friends are a pain in the ass for parents. Ok, maybe that is not totally true. Oh wait, yes it is.

          Paul says: In case you haven’t read our stuff before, Lee and I have three children; Jeannie, 16, Bobby, 5, and Ricky, terrible 2. So the concept of friendship as it applies to our kids is a huge and diverse topic. Just to be clear, we are not friends with our children. We are their parents. If you are expecting to read about how you and your children can be best of buds then you came to the wrong place. Parents and children, at least before adulthood, should not be friends. It convolutes the boundaries.

          And healthy friendship is all about boundaries. So let’s look at my three kids as developmental stages. Ricky does not know anything about friendship. Any knew child that comes into his perimeter is a novelty, a flesh toy to be used until discarded. He is at the Machiavellian age were his existence is all about him and how things effect his level of fun. This is the age that I’m trying to get back to but people keep calling me a sociopath. I don’t know why.

          Bobby is the almost perfect antithesis. Everybody is his friend; cousins, adults, stuffed animals, Dora the Explorer, a frog. If it can make eye contact, it can be a friend. It is at Bobby’s age that the ‘I don’t like my kid having friends’ mantra alights on every momma bear and papa bear out there. It is infinitely hard to stand and watch as your child comes crying because his friend wronged him on the monkey bars then go running back for some more two seconds later. We understand that they need to develop their own boundaries, experimenting with their social environment and create their own little egos. But that does not change the fact that we want to take the brat that pushed our little angel and punch them in the medulla.

          And it does not get any easier. Jeannie is a teenager. I hate, hate, hate teenagers having friends. Everything that a teenager’s friend says is wrong. Even when it is right, it is so well marinated in wrongness that the flavor is just a little off.

          ‘I am my own person, unique and independent’, my daughter might say and Lee and I would cheer her on.

          Then my daughter would continue, ‘all of my friends are. That’s why we dress alike’. I grab my skull to prevent the aneurism and Lee just stares, open mouthed.

          As a teenager, I do not remember making any sense, even to myself. As an adult listening to one, it is even more like having a debate with a schizophrenic. Friends just add to the delusion by allowing the youth to think that they make any sense at all.

          Lee says: As Sci-Fi fans we have seen many a movie or TV show that uses the concept of Time Travel. The characters may use a machine or worm hole to get back but the warning is always the same: you can’t change the past. But what if you could? Any changes I would make to my past would be with the friends I chose especially as an adolescent and young adult.

          So now I have a teenager who has blinders the size of buses on her face (and being that she can’t see to start out with that kind of doubly sucks). Should I tell her how things will work out like I am this Grecian oracle? Or should I have her go through the heartbreak and disillusionment of having a friend stomp all over her and steal her innocence?

          I know what I choose. Ethics be damned! I’ll step on the fucking butterfly and I will tell her the truth. And of course she will stare at me with wide eyes wondering when I became so fucking crazy. It doesn’t matter anyway. Maybe they need to get knocked around to harden them for adulthood. And maybe, just maybe, the Morlocks will not win and Weena and George can live happily ever after. But that’s just in the movies.

The Tamarac Test

Monday, Heavy Monday

Jul 202009

'Nuff said

          Hello friends and happy Monday to everyone! We are wrapping up our vacation and coming home in a few days. One of the purposes of our trip was to reconnect with people and reaffirm friendships. When we were younger, friends were few and far between. At this point in our lives, we have some incredible friends who we can count on. The concept of friendship is beautiful but it is not a relationship to be taken lightly; at least not with us.

          Lee says: When things get down to the nitty gritty, I am all about being loyal. If I commit to a friendship I will be as faithful as a dog. Yes, I am the best bitch you will ever know. Unfortunately, many people don’t see friendship like this. The bond of friendship is as flimsy as a promise to these people. You know who I am talking about.

          I have spoken before about choosing to love. I believe a friendship is a bond that can be as strong as family. As an adult, you have the opportunity of taking responsibility for your life and that includes your support system. Because of this, you have the ability to choose your family and, in essence, create a family system that is healthier and based on mutual respect and love. I know, you are wondering where does the friendship bracelet come in and some of your friends aren’t family worthy.

          This is just another example of how we minimize the specialness of something. Being a friend is a position of honor and if you treat it like that then you will choose friends wisely. I have many acquaintances. Friends must pass a series of tests and obstacles to reach the status of friendship, and then the ring of fire to be one of my bitches. I am very particular.

          I’m kidding, sort of. I don’t consider disclosure part of my friendship tests. I am obviously open and secrets have no place in my life. I am private but not closed, if that makes sense. No, friendship takes something deeper than your deep, dark secret. It takes your faith, trust and loyalty. To be friends with me I must feel an affinity. I am an open, trusting, loving person and I react to people who are not. I find no joy in having relationships with people where I am trying to get the truth or gain their trust or uncovering their big secret. Sure when I was younger and less evolved, I had all sorts of friends like that. They were fucking exhausting. They were not friends. There was no reciprocity.

          Now, my friends know what the job description entails. If you want to be my friend you must complete the following duties as assigned: You must be honest with me at all times even when you think I might be offended by it. You must share your insights to your issues and trust that I will be gentle when I kick you ass. You must also be gentle when you kick my ass. You are aware that falling in the same hole is grounds for a friendship review (continuing to have the same problem again and again). I am not willing to fall in with you. You must be willing to do what is needed in times of emergency (ie. Meet me at 3am at the 7/11 in Tamarac).

          I don’t think I ask for much. I am not insisting that you hold my hair when I puke since I keep it short for your convenience.

          Paul says: I don’t know if making a friend into family is an upgrade or a downgrade. (That’s going to get me into trouble.) You choose friends. You’re stuck with family. I do know that making family into friends is a definite upgrade. The fact that my family here are some of my best friends brings me a contentness that I cannot describe.

          Unfortunately, since I wear my hair hippy length, standing around saying ‘dude, you’re gonna puke in your hair’ is part of the job description. (I’m a guy. We don’t hold each other’s hair. But we do laugh at each other a lot.)

Choose you into oblivion.

Reader's Questions

May 222009

I choose you, brother chicken.

Finally it’s Friday! Thank God. Hey, maybe we’re on to something. FiFTG! Anyways, we hope you all have plans for the long weekend. We hope your plan includes some relaxation, pampering and fun. We have yet to plan anything. Jeannie has finals starting next week and we have a playroom that needs major organizing or maybe some bricks and mortar to seal it up. The choices for the weekend are as varied as the members of our family. But let’s face it, we have family that we disowned a long time ago.

Lee says: I have a rather large family. Before we left Los Angeles, a family function easily had over 50 people present. I was related to all of them. But for some reason that I could only describe as uncanny insight, I knew that I choose my own family. Granted, my parents and siblings I’m stuck with which is fine since we all get along well. Over the years we have all grown and learned to communicate in a healthy manner. My parents understand the concept of boundaries and express themselves emotionally which is such a blessing.

However, there are those members of the family that, try as I might, I just can’t swallow. Don’t like them. Can’t stand them. More precisely, I don’t feel safe with them. I can’t be me which is a problem since I worked so hard to finally be me, I’m really not willing to give that up for a moment for anyone.

I remember having this conversation at my brothers wedding with one of my cousins. I told her that as children we had no choice; we were stuck with each other. However, as adults, we can choose to be friends or not. Now, I would never deny a family member and if they needed help, I would help but not due to our familial link but because I’m nice like that. I choose to surround myself with people who love me the way I deserve to be loved. I don’t engage in abusive relationships because I don’t find them fun.

I have been very blessed with special friends. I have had people enter my life that I have chosen to be my family. These friends have shown me more unconditional love than people who may need me for a kidney at some point in time. Why is that? Why do we choose to be less courteous and accepting of people we are related to? I find that so baffling.

For me, I have some family members who I consider friends. I have friends who I consider my family. And I have people in my life that I tolerate and wait to see what I will be learning from them or what role they will ultimately play in the Lives and Times of Lee. This sounds a little Machiavellian but for me, it is how I have chosen to live my emotionally healthy life. I am love. I am acceptance. And I can choose you into oblivion if you fuck with me.

Paul says: And of the two of us, Lee is the nice one. Do you remember that old Twilight Zone episode where the little girl falls into the extra-dimensional space and is floating around in oblivion? The parents call Bill the physicist to help. Well, I’m Bill. Not only do I have the ability to cast you into oblivion, I have studied it, understanding the boundaries and implications of my choices. I’ve spent way too much time thinking about my extended family.

Recently, my uncle died. This was one of my family members that I truly loved and about 85% of all of my happy childhood memories have him in them. He had an ‘adopted’ daughter from his wife’s first marriage which, by default, makes her my cousin. When my uncle died, I briefly considered trying to develop a relationship with my cousin. I decided not to. The reason was simple. I asked myself, if she was not my relative, would I want to be friends? Let see – I have a bachelors in physics, an MBA and I write. She couldn’t quite finish her GED but looks much better with her new teeth. You can read this as arrogance or pragmatism. Either way, I do not see my cousin and me sipping Merlot and discussing Einstein’s influence on modern culture.