Family - 2/3 - CoupleDumb

chic n cat Choose you into oblivion.

Finally it’s Friday! Thank God. Hey, maybe we’re on to something. FiFTG! Anyways, we hope you all have plans for the long weekend. We hope your plan includes some relaxation, pampering and fun. We have yet to plan anything. Jeannie has finals starting next week and we have a playroom that needs major organizing or maybe some bricks and mortar to seal it up. The choices for the weekend are as varied as the members of our family. But let’s face it, we have family that we disowned a long time ago.

Lee says: I have a rather large family. Before we left Los Angeles, a family function easily had over 50 people present. I was related to all of them. But for some reason that I could only describe as uncanny insight, I knew that I choose my own family. Granted, my parents and siblings I’m stuck with which is fine since we all get along well. Over the years we have all grown and learned to communicate in a healthy manner. My parents understand the concept of boundaries and express themselves emotionally which is such a blessing.

However, there are those members of the family that, try as I might, I just can’t swallow. Don’t like them. Can’t stand them. More precisely, I don’t feel safe with them. I can’t be me which is a problem since I worked so hard to finally be me, I’m really not willing to give that up for a moment for anyone.

I remember having this conversation at my brothers wedding with one of my cousins. I told her that as children we had no choice; we were stuck with each other. However, as adults, we can choose to be friends or not. Now, I would never deny a family member and if they needed help, I would help but not due to our familial link but because I’m nice like that. I choose to surround myself with people who love me the way I deserve to be loved. I don’t engage in abusive relationships because I don’t find them fun.

I have been very blessed with special friends. I have had people enter my life that I have chosen to be my family. These friends have shown me more unconditional love than people who may need me for a kidney at some point in time. Why is that? Why do we choose to be less courteous and accepting of people we are related to? I find that so baffling.

For me, I have some family members who I consider friends. I have friends who I consider my family. And I have people in my life that I tolerate and wait to see what I will be learning from them or what role they will ultimately play in the Lives and Times of Lee. This sounds a little Machiavellian but for me, it is how I have chosen to live my emotionally healthy life. I am love. I am acceptance. And I can choose you into oblivion if you fuck with me.

Paul says: And of the two of us, Lee is the nice one. Do you remember that old Twilight Zone episode where the little girl falls into the extra-dimensional space and is floating around in oblivion? The parents call Bill the physicist to help. Well, I’m Bill. Not only do I have the ability to cast you into oblivion, I have studied it, understanding the boundaries and implications of my choices. I’ve spent way too much time thinking about my extended family.

Recently, my uncle died. This was one of my family members that I truly loved and about 85% of all of my happy childhood memories have him in them. He had an ‘adopted’ daughter from his wife’s first marriage which, by default, makes her my cousin. When my uncle died, I briefly considered trying to develop a relationship with my cousin. I decided not to. The reason was simple. I asked myself, if she was not my relative, would I want to be friends? Let see – I have a bachelors in physics, an MBA and I write. She couldn’t quite finish her GED but looks much better with her new teeth. You can read this as arrogance or pragmatism. Either way, I do not see my cousin and me sipping Merlot and discussing Einstein’s influence on modern culture.

mama boy Mommas boy or the rebel?

Yesterday, the post included some information that was in poor taste. The guilty party has been threatened, beaten and is in time out. It is never acceptable for CoupleDumb to cross the line in any way and we promise to never go there again. As a couple, we must keep each other honest and hold each other to our highest possibilities. With this in mind you will understand why Lee had to turn Paul into his Mom for saying what he did.

Families can make or break a couple. The support of your family will make a man look even more desirable or undesirable depending on your need to rebel from your family. The pressure from a family who does not approve of your mate choice is another obstacle to happily ever after. Regardless of your relationship with your family of origin, their interaction and input into your marriage or commitment will affect its very foundation.

Many people would argue with this point because they feel that they have differentiated from their families to the point that they no longer are affected by any opinion regarding their lives. I say BULLSHIT to that! This topic makes me bust out the therapy words because they are the most fitting. Differentiation is a word used in Family Systems therapy and it means the level to which a person has set themselves apart from their family of origin (parents, siblings).

We all know people with poor differentiation. We use words like ‘Mama’s Boy’ or ‘Daddy’s Girl’ as jokes or descriptions of their handicap. These words indicate that these people are hung up on a parent which shows poor differentiation. When these people enter a relationship, the reaction of said parent is paramount to the success of the coupling. But this works the reverse as well. If you have someone who never sees their parents and won’t even talk to them, they will have more difficulty maintaining a relationship because they have no faith in commitment or they will choose someone diametrically opposed to them as a rebellion to their family. These people think that their choice amounts to a big fuck you to their families when the only person they hurt is themselves.

‘I won’t marry anyone like my _____ (fill in the blank with Mom or Dad)’ is almost a death sentence. The energy you place on that will most definitely attract you to someone like them or you will spend all your time looking for the defects that you will miss the opportunity of a real connection. And at the end of the day, your relationship is all about the parent you can’t stand.

We have discussed the importance of setting boundaries but this topic takes on such a deeper meaning when we involve family. No one likes it when someone talks smack about their family and neither does your partner. But even if the family isn’t physically interfering, their opinions and essences are still in that bedroom with the two of you. ‘My parents always watched TV in bed before going to sleep’ or ‘My parents would let us kids sleep with them’ or ‘We always hung out in my parents room’ are things couples say to each other. This is what that person grew up with and what they know about relationship. We learn all this stuff from our parents. That’s right; our dysfunctional parents.

I’m not saying everybody’s parents are bad or messed up but I will say that trying to recreate our parent’s marriage in our own is gross. I would like to believe that every generation has the opportunity to evolve into a healthier relationship. Unfortunately, the way things are going, I don’t think we will see healthy relationships for another millennia. Thanks Mom and Dad!

Good Monday everybody! We hope you are all geared up for a new week of possibilities and you have a relaxing Memorial Weekend planned. We haven’t even given the weekend a thought really. We could play it by ear and try to make plans with friends or go to the Keys with the entire family. In theory, the Keys sound nice except for the whole family part.

Lee says: ‘In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.’ Benjamin Franklin said this a long time ago and what he forgot to add to the equation was ‘family’. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my family. I consider my parents the best in the world and my siblings and their spouses are some of my best friends. I am blessed to have the family I do who is supportive and loving. (O.K., I think they left, so I can be honest now.)

Your family can be wonderful but you still react to them. I had mentioned in a previous post about this idea that we see situations, occurrences with a series of cameras. When something happens in a family, everyone has their own perspective. Regardless of how cut and dry you think something is, your siblings or parents will have seen it differently. This makes for some tension that isn’t easily forgiven or forgotten.

Petty? Not really. To deny that something upset you is more hurtful than to pretend to be a happy family. Since I know that my brother and sister aren’t reading anymore and my parents never read this, I’ll give an example. One million years ago, long after the earth had cooled and the dinosaurs had taken their dirt nap, my brother was born. I am the middle child of three and had held the postiion of baby for nearly 8 years. They brought our alleged brother home from the hospital and I was committed to living my life as before. Watching TV, going to school and being a kid. One night, I believe it was Wednesday around 8:30pm, my mother was changing my brother and yelled to me to bring her the vaseline. I was watching ‘The Sonny and Cher Show’ and the best part, The Vamp sketches, which was my favorite thing. I probably didn’t understand it on a conscious level but I’m postive my subconscious was picking up all the sexual innuendos.

So there I was torn between my favorite entertainment and sure Mommy vengeance. So I did what any 8 year old would do. I ran and grabbed the large bottle of Vasaline, ran to my parents’ room, rolled it onto the bed and ran back before she finished the first part of the song. What I had not calculated was the force with which I rolled it nor the trajectory of the bottle. The baby screaming was my first indication that, for the next 35 years, I would be defending my intentions. The bottle struck his head and I was in a world of shit. To this day, everyone tells a different story. My Mother insists I was aiming at his head. My sister concurs but adds that there were mitigating circumstances like my rivalry. My brother, who was probably not even a few months old, is positive I was trying to kill him. I’m sure the other day, while he was dining with a member of the United States Congress, he mentioned how I concussed him long ago.

Who’s right in this situation? Did I feel anger towards this ugly baby that my parents brought home with them? Yes. Did I want to hurt him? No. I had plenty of opportunity to take the little booger out over the years and yet I showed the utmost control. I was a kid. I was busy. I was a scamp, a camp, and a bit of a tramp. I was a V-A-M-P, VAMP!

Paul says: Ok, I read ‘Vamp’ and ‘cameras’ and got turned on. Is that bad?

Choose you into oblivion.

Momma's boy or the rebel?

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