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Hello kids! Today’s lesson here at CoupleDumb is very important. It is about cut-off. In school, cut-off is a very simple term that has deep psychological meaning in marriage and family systems theory. I will break it down for you so you can understand why I would spend a whole post discussing something that seems so obvious on face value.

First of all, cut-off is found in the continuum of dysfunctional behaviors which indicates how you deal with family. Simply, cut-off is discontinuing all communication with a certain person or persons in your life. We only apply the term cut-off when discussing family so friends and former lovers are not included but do not be fooled, if you have a plethora of crash and burn relationships then you may a master at cut-off. The dysfunctional aspect to cut-off is unresolved feelings. The individuals who engage in this behavior tend to deal with issues such as emotional hurt with complete disconnect from the source of pain deluded in the belief that time heals all wounds.

Within the continuum of healthy to dysfunctional psychological health we see things like enmeshment. Enmeshment is when a family is so involved in each other’s lives that boundaries are completely lost. It’s like an open door policy that is fraught with pain and anger but the participants can’t understand that the source of the pain is the over involvement of their family member’s. The flipside to this is cut-off. You hurt me you are out of my life. Neither of these methods is healthy nor will you find peace of mind when practicing them.

When a marriage and family therapist assesses a client, we look at their level of differentiation. This value is assigned by looking at their family of origin and how they relate to their family today. Someone who has a healthy relationship with their family of origin or in more technical terms has healthy boundaries can lead a fulfilling life with rich relationships and little drama would have a high level of differentiation. Someone who practices cut-off with their family by the mere disconnect would receive a low level of differentiation because they will not have a healthy relationship with their family of origin. Their boundaries tend to be very rigid and their ability to make friends and keep them will be difficult as well. This rigidity tends to spread to all aspect of their lives and they continually reinforce their decision to cut-off with deluded thoughts that they are better for it. However, keeping wounds open and unhealed is not a healthy thing. Pretending that hurt will go away is an invitation to repression and disassociation which will lead to physical ailments.

For those of us who choose to explore our feelings and analyze why we do things, the concept of cutting off someone from our families is not something we do lightly or at all. This is not to say that we stay in abusive familial relationships but we do set boundaries with those who have a tendency to forget where the line is drawn. We may limit the contact but cutting off all possibility of resolution is not an option. We must always remember that to be truly psychological healthy we have to practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a prize that you give but it is a gift you give yourself. You choose to let go of the rancor and hurt. If you are someone who has cut off a family member, you will hold that hurt and rancor with you forever.

Going to therapy is not an easy choice to make but it is a positive move for your life. If you truly believe life is worth living then you owe it to yourself to let go of everything that holds you back like a lousy Dad or a Mom who played favorites. Healing your family of origin issues goes a long way to living a happy, hopeful life. No Kumbaya. No drinking of the Kool Aid. No dancing naked under the moon. That is, of course, if you like those things then by all means, have at it!

haight hippie 300x217 The Crazy Hippie

          One of the interesting things about writing about relationships, day in and day out, is that we gain some insight. This week, as we delve into the question ‘What do you do when your family is more f’d up than you?’ we find ourselves learning something, which makes us both very uncomfortable. We wouldn’t want to start a trend, would we?

          Paul says: I have been trying to figure out how to write this post without getting into too much trouble. When we talk about family, over-disclosing can result in a world of hurt. Without saying too much, I think that it is safe to say that I have a brother. I’m not going to give you his address and social security number nor will I layout his childhood traumas and their resulting impact on his life (as I see them). I can say that I would like to be closer with him. You know, communicate more. That kind of stuff. We do not have a bad relationship in that there is no bad blood or animosity but we do not have a close relationship. That is how today’s thought process began.

          Now, here is the twist. As I was cataloging the differences between us and looking for the things that I could write about without the threat of a weepy, angry phone call from my Mom, I realized that I was the one that was considered the more f’d up in this scenario. Ok, maybe not on the cosmic ‘healthy person’ scale but from a personal reality I can see where I am the more ‘trying’ person of the two.

          My brother and I are very different: married/unmarried, bohemian writer/ corporate entrepreneur, tall/short. I’m thinking that I should find out what the mailman looked like nine months before I was born, just to see if there are any genetic similarities. I know that Lee and I are not everyone’s cup of tea. I’ve been known to cry. Tales of my soul journey, when I became a cougar, may not be for everybody. A night of wine and discussions of existential issues that bind us to our unhealthy selves may not be the big party that I think it is. I hear that some guys like to talk about sports.

          So I’m a few steps off of the beaten path but I do believe that I am healthy. I’ve spent a lot of time and effort to get to this odd state of wellness and I am not about to let that go. Somewhere between my search for psychic wellbeing and my brother’s boundaries, whether I find them appropriate or not, is common ground. It is a Venn diagram, two circles that overlap. One is me and what I want and the other is my bro and his needs. Somewhere the two overlap.

          So here is the task: finding the overlap in all of our relationships. As we do and over time, the area of overlap will grow and grow until we are all one in peace and harmony.

          Shit, I am a hippie freak!

          Lee says: Yes, you are. That’s what I love about you. Unfortunately dear readers, where my husband sees healthy I see self-deprecating. Acknowledging that you are ‘trying’ or a ‘hippie freak’ because certain modalities in the therapeutic world worked for you isn’t exactly certifiable as are some of the people we have to contend with. Paul is loving, social and hard working. He is quite affable and is considered the saint to my devil. His comparison with his sibling is silly. Neither of them are the pain in the ass, f’d up people that we are talking about.

        And, while on that subject, why the hell am I saying f’d up? Everyone knows fuck is used quite liberally on this site. Did I miss a memo?

friend suck 300x201 The Tamarac Test

          Hello friends and happy Monday to everyone! We are wrapping up our vacation and coming home in a few days. One of the purposes of our trip was to reconnect with people and reaffirm friendships. When we were younger, friends were few and far between. At this point in our lives, we have some incredible friends who we can count on. The concept of friendship is beautiful but it is not a relationship to be taken lightly; at least not with us.

          Lee says: When things get down to the nitty gritty, I am all about being loyal. If I commit to a friendship I will be as faithful as a dog. Yes, I am the best bitch you will ever know. Unfortunately, many people don’t see friendship like this. The bond of friendship is as flimsy as a promise to these people. You know who I am talking about.

          I have spoken before about choosing to love. I believe a friendship is a bond that can be as strong as family. As an adult, you have the opportunity of taking responsibility for your life and that includes your support system. Because of this, you have the ability to choose your family and, in essence, create a family system that is healthier and based on mutual respect and love. I know, you are wondering where does the friendship bracelet come in and some of your friends aren’t family worthy.

          This is just another example of how we minimize the specialness of something. Being a friend is a position of honor and if you treat it like that then you will choose friends wisely. I have many acquaintances. Friends must pass a series of tests and obstacles to reach the status of friendship, and then the ring of fire to be one of my bitches. I am very particular.

          I’m kidding, sort of. I don’t consider disclosure part of my friendship tests. I am obviously open and secrets have no place in my life. I am private but not closed, if that makes sense. No, friendship takes something deeper than your deep, dark secret. It takes your faith, trust and loyalty. To be friends with me I must feel an affinity. I am an open, trusting, loving person and I react to people who are not. I find no joy in having relationships with people where I am trying to get the truth or gain their trust or uncovering their big secret. Sure when I was younger and less evolved, I had all sorts of friends like that. They were fucking exhausting. They were not friends. There was no reciprocity.

          Now, my friends know what the job description entails. If you want to be my friend you must complete the following duties as assigned: You must be honest with me at all times even when you think I might be offended by it. You must share your insights to your issues and trust that I will be gentle when I kick you ass. You must also be gentle when you kick my ass. You are aware that falling in the same hole is grounds for a friendship review (continuing to have the same problem again and again). I am not willing to fall in with you. You must be willing to do what is needed in times of emergency (ie. Meet me at 3am at the 7/11 in Tamarac).

          I don’t think I ask for much. I am not insisting that you hold my hair when I puke since I keep it short for your convenience.

          Paul says: I don’t know if making a friend into family is an upgrade or a downgrade. (That’s going to get me into trouble.) You choose friends. You’re stuck with family. I do know that making family into friends is a definite upgrade. The fact that my family here are some of my best friends brings me a contentness that I cannot describe.

          Unfortunately, since I wear my hair hippy length, standing around saying ‘dude, you’re gonna puke in your hair’ is part of the job description. (I’m a guy. We don’t hold each other’s hair. But we do laugh at each other a lot.)

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