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          The act of coupling, whether in a formal commitment such as marriage or something less rigid such as exclusive dating, is held together with expectations, promises, hope, integrity and trust. Without these factors, pairs are really playing house with Mommy’s sheets and plastic cups. Don’t believe us? Watch what happens when we throw a little permissiveness into the mix when we are discussing social media.

          Lee says: For our first anniversary, Paul and I bought our first computer. It was an IBM that cost over $2000, was the cutting edge of technology with 2MB of memory and was completely obsolete by the time we took it home. This computer was just a really big typewriter that we could load very silly games on, play solitaire and Paul could amaze me with his wicked DOS skills which he learned while he should have been dating girls.

          Since then, we have always remained on the forefront of home computer technology. Remember when ICQ was the rogue Instant Message application that the cool people used? How amazing was it that you could use your computer to type out a conversation. I was never one to have random chats but, if you know me, I rarely say no to a nice person or someone from Scotland.

          His name was Duncan. He struck up a conversation with me and I found him interesting, funny and in need of a friend. I told Paul immediately about my new Scot friend. After several conversations, Duncan turned the direction of the dialogue into something that made me uncomfortable (FIRST SIGN OF BOUNDARY CROSSING). He talked about his wife and how she was not willing to be with him intimately. I was not his therapist but I figured friends talk about this stuff so I suggested they discuss it further. He continued with this line of discussion until he crossed into how horny he was. Please note: I had had several IM conversations with him. Never once did it turn into a sex convo. I promptly told him to delete my username and I would no longer talk to him. I told Paul about it but still felt dirty. Like me, there are thousands of people having unwanted conversations. However many of them lack the forethought and boundaries to stop these conversations.

          Digital affairs are no longer a sci-fi story line. Digital affairs are alive and well in the Twitterverse and Facebookland. Reuniting with old friends or creating new relationships with strangers, people are having digital affairs without even considering their behavior as being unfaithful. One of the true beauties of social media is the ability to connect. In some cases, these connections can be very positive but with those with poor sense of self or boundaries, social media is an outlet to create a new persona and new life with new lovers and new friends, all from the comfort of your home.

          Virtual lovers/Physical Strangers are leaving their partners for something new every day. Social Media, partnered with incessant pornography viewing, is creating people yearning for passion and excitement and something different. In reality, some people need nothing more than their lap-top, internet and perhaps some lotion. The fear of love or rejection has created a new segment of society that feels they are very happy jacking off to random faces on Chat Roulette. I think I saw this episode on Twilight Zone.

          Paul says: I find it interesting how freaked out people get about their internet privacy but will give out all kinds of personal information if you just ask right. They freak out about Facebook giving away data and the holes in their security but start a chat with someone and you would be surprised at how intimate a person is willing to get if they do not need to look you in the face.

          That’s how I hunted down Duncan. I just asked a few simple questions… and pretended to be an 18-year-old female. I asked what he looked like, where he lived, and how to meet him. I asked whether or not he owned money to the Scottish mafia. He said no. I sent a computer virus and now he owes 100,000 Euros. Lee hasn’t heard from him since. Don’t fuck with my wife, you Scottish bitch!

Everybody knows that we need to protect our kids. Back in the 70s and before, the biggest fears for kids were things like polio, razor blades in apples and the occasional abduction. The 80s were all about kids being kidnapped and someone slipping drugs in their drinks or candies. The 90s and the beginning of the 21 century focused our fears on pedophiles and drugs. Today, Social Media has become the new danger entry point. From Chris Hanson setting up sickos on chat rooms to cyber bullying, we think we’ve met the scariest predator of all.

Lee says: I have been known to say things like ‘Social Media is my bitch’ and ‘We are not Social Media leaders. We are the grunts in the trenches.’ One thing that Paul and I have been clear on is that Social Media opens us up to all sorts of relationship dilemmas that we have never had to think about. Primarily, we have been wary of children in this unregulated world. I like to think about it as sending a kid to a mall that has all the regular stores along with an Amsterdamesque food court offering your finest herb, a red light district and a couple of carts in the middle with a wide selection of dildos and phone accessories. There is nothing to stop them from going to pick up a bong, cock ring and lip gloss from Macy’s.

As a therapist, I worked with pedophiles for 10 years. Yes, I was there to rehabilitate them and I can honestly say, some of these men did make incredible strides and learn some boundaries that they didn’t have before. What I learned from them is that opportunity and availability were their friends when they were on the prowl. This may seem really gross to some readers but the reality is if you can’t think like them, you can’t protect your kids from them. You need to ask yourself, ‘How is my kid vulnerable to the outside world?’

This is in no way a call for keeping your kids home and boarding up your windows. This belief is not going to keep your children safe from internet or texting predators. Many parents think that keeping their children at home is tantamount to raising them trauma free. They would be wrong.

We have a 17 year old who, like every other 17 year old, has grown up in a world of cell phones and internet. She knows no other world. As her parents, we have had to ride the fence of keeping her protected and making her way in this world. We have had to teach her things that we only learned as adults and our parents still squirm thinking about.

She also has had a MySpace which we monitored and then Facebook. I created her Facebook page. I set up her account and I monitor the photos she has on there. I have even made her delete a picture that I found too provocative (you know those pics the girls take in the bathroom pointing down at them while they look pouty that every girl on the make has. My apologies if you have one of those.) I am her Facebook friend only because I friended me and her Dad through her page. Paul and I occasionally review her text messages on her phone and always have an eye on her Facebook interactions.

Recently, my 10 year old niece informed me that all her friends have Facebook pages. I told her that their parents ‘hate their kids’. Too much? I went on to explain to her what had recently happened to me and her mom with our crazy family member who attacked us on Facebook and that kids are not ready to open themselves up to that stuff. I don’t know if it sunk in but I know that she is now years from every getting her own page.

I don’t care if our daughter thinks she lives in the old Soviet Union. I don’t care if she thinks it’s unfair. I don’t care if she gets angry. My concern is if she is learning to protect herself and makes good choices. This is how I love her. She can hate me as long as she’s safe.

Paul says: I wish my daughter would friend me. Hello. Hello. Will you be my friend?

sharebookmarx Facebook and the new Soviet Union

Pilar asks: Does a child from 13 to whatever age 17, 18, 19 have the right to privacy? I mean if we are concerned about something regarding your son/daughter don’t we have the right to go into their myspace for example. I have been talking to several parents and they seem to think if they are living under my roof they have no privacy. My thoughts exactly but some parents believe it’s unethical to go through their myspace.

Or to even say to them in another situation you are not going out tonight if they are 18 or over. I feel if I have reason to think that they can’t go out that’s it period the end. Not just because they are 18 we can’t tell them what to do anymore.

Is it just latin parents that feel this way? (Like I do)

What do you guys think?

Paul says: No, kids do not have privacy but they do have boundaries. Privacy, the way that I think you are using it here, has a connotation of ownership and I do come from the ‘you don’t own shit’ school of parenting. Children are chattel, albeit very special property. (Oh, my children must love me.) We have the right to have as many houses, car and children as we want, no matter how ill conceived the idea may be. If we didn’t, then Octo-mom would never have been allowed to have the second litter. If the child wants to own their space then they need to get a job and a mortgage.

That being said, there is a sense of boundaries. Though a child does not own their space, they can make the statement that the space is important to them and you can honor that statement, giving it importance also. This gives the child a sense of propriety without ownership. I always knock on my daughter’s door but I do not necessarily wait for her to allow me access.

Speaking to the important part of your question, entering the area that you have both agreed is important gives a clear message. You are saying ‘I do not trust you’. Now, before your react, check in with yourself. That may be the statement that you want to make. If, as an example, you think that your child is using drugs, then you do not trust their judgment. It that is the message, then say it. If you cannot look your kid in the eye and tell them that you do not trust them and why with what they need to do to earn your trust, then don’t go in the room. You can’t handle it.

Lee says: Isn’t he cute? He thought she meant my space not a ‘Myspace’ page. Pilar, I totally hear you. Like I have said before, our only job is to keep them safe. We do this by teaching them right from wrong, how to wash and that sticking cheerios up their nose is bad. Part of keeping them safe is also protecting them from the big bad world. There are some sick fucks who prey on weak kids. By definition, a weak child is one who has parents who are not involved in their lives.

When our daughter wanted a ‘myspace’, we helped her set it up and kept her password. Paul and I created our own page to monitor her. The same thing happened when she joined Facebook. I joined to watch her and once again, I have her user name and password. A few months ago, she posted a picture of herself on Facebook which we deemed inappropriate because she appeared seductive. That was totally our judgment but it didn’t matter. She removed the picture.

I agree with my better half that kids have boundaries not privacy. The semantics are important. Privacy has more to do with secrecy and boundaries delineate levels of safety. Since we don’t believe in secrecy, boundaries always win over. Only one bedroom is allowed to be locked in our home; that’s ours. The lock is a boundary (we will have a post soon regarding bedroom rules). The boundary is to keep the kids from being scarred and that is the only time the door is locked.

Yes, I called them chattel

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Love and a laptop

Facebook and the new Soviet Union

Yes, I called them chattel

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