Today is Wednesday where I usually get to smackdown a celeb. But today is a little different because it feels more like a WTF than a smack down. Oh my WTF’s, how I’ve missed you. I have been on a spiritual quest and I have been holding in my judgments like a constipated pregnant woman. Pain in my gut and a general malaise has forced me to break my silence and vow of zen-ness. And what, pray tell would get me to avert my eyes from Nirvana? Why the hypocrisy and mendacity of the world. Like Big Daddy and Brick (it’s Oscars-time and a great movie reference was a must), I must rage against the disgust!

          On Wednesday, March 3 at 2am, a man was arrested for DUI after leaving a gay bar. There was an unidentified man in the car with him. Maybe it was his boyfriend. Perhaps it was his Pastor. At the face of this, I say, ‘BIG FUCKING DEAL!’ Yes, it is shameful and criminal to be driving under the influence and he should pay for this heinous crime. As a man though, he was exercising his birthright to engage in activities that bring him happiness. Find your love, is our motto.

          The wrinkle to this story is that this man was California State Senator Roy Ashburn. Wow, how salacious! And yet I am still unimpressed. So what?! A gay state senator is not a big deal. The twist to this is that Ashburn is a big gay rights opponent. The twist is that this man has voted and campaigned against every single measure that has been proposed that could benefit gay people. The mind numbing point is that this man, married homophobe with 4 children, in his state owned vehicle, chose to cruise a gay club, picked up a guy, drank his fill and decided to drive.

          We can only assume he was bringing this man to an exorcism to rid the gay demons from his soul. We can only assume he was doing research to continue his crusade against the gay menace. Although Senator Ashburn took responsibility for the DUI, he has not addressed the Craig-like-foot-under-the-stall move of leaving a gay club with a man. So we are left to assume that he needs a wide stance to do his business. We are left to assume that he was giving a hitch-hiker a ride. We are left to assume his passenger, who I have named Missy Sparkles, was really an undercover operative and these guys are infiltrating the gays to learn their secrets. Right?

          Senator Ashburn, forgive my bluntness but you fruity, hypocritical, irresponsible bitch! If you like cock, tell the world. The world knows you’re a hypocrite, so use it to your advantage. Come out! Recant your position, which was borne of fear of the violence and degradation gay people have suffered at the hands of assholes like you. Trust me when I say taking full responsibility will have to include admitting that you were in the club enjoying yourself. Your wife, children, family and friends will ultimately appreciate the truth instead of hiding the glitter and stilettos from you.

          NOTE: Senator Roy Ashburn has come out of the closet and admits that he is a homosexual. The real WTF was that he still stands by his voting record. He feels that he is voting exactly how his constituents would. This is not all together untrue. If you’ve been to his district (San Bernardino Country, Kern…) you know that cows are just as plentiful as people. However, where my eyes cross on this one is the willingness to be so out of integrity. I can understand the fear of coming out. I can even understand, as a public official, he is listening to the voters. However, to vote against your own people? Having a company car, a nice salary and a cool job must be worth more than your integrity because the same people you are screwing over are the same people you are screwing. You should be ashamed of yourself. 

          Since this week is about the state of marriage in this country, we thought we could take a second and say EQUAL RIGHTS NOW! Marriage means very little when it is a right only some of us have. We don’t feel special. We feel kind of dirty. Kind of like eating a hamburger in India. But just one request, when everyone is given the right to marry, we think Senator Ashburn should be made to wear the ugliest bride’s maid dresses to all the gay weddings in California that he is invited to.