dreams » CoupleDumb

Dreams do come true but sometimes they look funny.

Apr 152009

My dream is to have dinner. I'm hungry.

We’ve been writing about dreams all week and here we are on our favorite day of the week, Thursday. This day is devoted to the core relationship. We don’t care if your dating, living together, browsing for engagement rings, married, in domestic partnership or unwilling to define or label your love. We are talking about two people relating. So put on your sun dress and kick off your shoes to run through the metaphorical meadows of dreams with us.

Lee says: I never thought I would marry so young. I dreamed my life very differently. I thought I would get my doctorate in Psychology and open up a practice in the South Bay of California where I can see the ocean. My office would have wood paneling and the shelves would be stuffed with books that I had written and that my colleagues and dedicated to me. I would wear flowing clothes and would be the super cool bohemian shrink. As for marriage, I would eschew it and instead would take lovers and the occasional long term live in. I would expand my mind through meditation and yoga. I would be the earth mother psychologist without ever having to give birth or anything as banal as that. This was my dream.

In retrospect, my dreams as a young woman were really fantasies and real dreams or goals didn’t come into focus until Paul and I became a couple. Please do not interpret this to be that I needed a man to become whole but I needed to be grounded in reality. The dreams I described above where clichés of what a psychotherapist was in the 70s. Therapists like that, if they still exist, are probably in their late 60s and are not taking as many lovers as they use to.

My dreams were also missing human contact. I had no lasting relationships or anything that would define me as a successful human being. I did not see friendships or children. I was alone, despite the occasional lay. So why would I think like that?

It wasn’t until Paul that I realized that I could live a life filled with love. The dreams he and I created were real, tactile and fulfilling. Soon after we committed to each other, my goals became less fantasy and more purposeful. I could see myself working with people in a meaningful way. I embraced my talent and looked at my abilities in an honest manner to maximize my potential. For the first time in my life I felt grounded and, at the same time, allowed to soar. I was wanted and loved.

It still sounds like hippy bullshit but it’s true for us. This will not get me any votes for feminist of the year but that was never one of my goals. When Paul and I got together, I began entertaining thoughts of motherhood only because of the possibility that I could give birth to another person like him. I could see myself being domestic not because he wanted me to but because I wanted to. Dreaming together deepens a relationship and gives it direction. When a couple doesn’t have this, it withers and dies. If you can’t see your future together, then you won’t have one.

After 21 years together, I am writing those books to fill up the shelves and have many people who think I’m a damn good therapist. I am less the bohemian earth mother and more the no nonsense tough Mom. I have taken lovers over the years. My first was the innocent physicist in the lab coat. Then it was the science teacher with chalk on his hands. Lately, he’s the sexy writer with the long hair and beard. I like this part of my dream and I won’t be waking up from it any time soon.

Paul says: It’s cool that we are writing this as we are about to sell our first book Dysaffirmations: Because this kind of stupid takes work! Dreams are a funny thing. What did I do today? Yelled at my daughter for her crappy chemistry grades, sat next to my wife in our office that’s really our sofa and published a book. My dreams have come true.

Some actor guy that we can not mention is an asshole.

Celebrity Smackdown

Apr 152009

Didn't he used to act?

We all have dreams. Some people have dreams of being successful and rich. Some others would forego all of that to be able to express themselves artistically. Musicians, painters, writers and performers have been known to live in squalor to be able to practice their craft. Then you get Hollywood douche bags like Billy Bob Thornton to come and dash the dreams and hopes of some impressive musicians because he thinks he’s Tom Petty. Canada kicked you out and now be prepared to get the Smackdown from CoupleDumb!

Lee says: I’ve always thought that Billy Bob Thornton was a little odd. I saw ‘Slingblade’ and it was obvious that guy was channeling some fucked up guy who really liked his ‘potaters’. I have never understood any woman’s attraction to him and the fact that he married Angelina Jolie just makes her suspect. As an actor, I have always believed he is good and probably could be quite significant if he ever picked the right projects.

But now, Mr. Thornton is a musician and, like most divas, has forgotten his past or the level of success he garnered as an Oscar winning actor and screenwriter that afforded him the opportunity to indulge his musical proclivities. He formed a band called the Boxmasters and produced three albums in the last year. He was touring with the likes of Willie Nelson. Do you really think that any dinky band that produced its first record would get a chance of doing a world tour with Willie Nelson? Of course not, Billy Bob! You received this great opportunity because of who you are; Oscar Winning Billy Bob.

So Mr. Ungrateful decides he’s a musician and you can’t mention that ever. He has a really bad interview on Canadian radio where he proves once and for all that he is an interminable asshole. His band, which was present, was obviously disgusted by his behavior and seemed ready to disown him however, because they probably would not have a career without him, they have not castrated and unceremoniously kicked him out of the band. The two other members of Boxmasters consist of an engineer/producer and bluegrass guitar specialist. Yeah, they have ample opportunities to get up in front of thousands of people and play music all the time.

Billy Bob you are living your dream. You have wanted to be a musician and, like the Canadian radio host said, this is your first love. Even though that set you off and made you call out the name of the first chick you banged, the sentiment was important and was making your point. Your first dream was to be a musician. You reached that goal by entering the movie business. If you feel this tarnishes your street cred as a real musician, tough shit. You chose your path. Now, your behavior is becoming dangerously close to thwarting the dreams of those around you. We know artists have a narcissistic streak and the feelings of others are just the green M&Ms in the bowl when you gave explicit directions that you only wanted the red and yellow.

Artistic integrity does not supersede being a compassionate human being. You can try to explain your behavior away and place the blame on the interviewer but ultimately you can’t wash the asshole away. Wait a second. I think that would be a good name for a song. I can here the twanging guitar already for this tearful ballad. ‘I try every day, and to my dismay, I can’t wash the asshole away!’

Paul says: I don’t understand him. When Lee and I are famous, that interviewer would have to pee in our coffee to make us mad and, even then…we’re whores. It does not make sense to me to be living your dreams (and, yes, it can be plural) and cop an attitude. I’ll be a whore for my dreams.

We're sending Ricky to Japan.

Kids and why you can't kill them

Apr 142009

I do this with Ricky 4 hours a day.

When it comes to instilling dreams in our children, it seems like a no-brainer. Every parent wants their child to have fantasies of a greater future full of excitement, love and joy. Even crack moms, with a pipe in one hand and a baby in the other, tell their children how great they can become. But to what end? Why do we fill our kid’s minds with fantasies that, statistically speaking, will never come true? Whose dreams are we giving them?

Paul says: I remember, as a younger man, visiting some of my more agriculturally inclined relatives in their Indiana mobile homes. My aunt has something like eight children (I lost count) with a blend of genders. During the post dinner chit-chat, one of the younger girls, about 7 years old, was drawing Disney characters in a sketch pad and doing it very well. Being from L.A., I made the apparently absurd recommendation that she could be an artist by profession. My aunt and a couple of her older children immediately set out to rectify my misstatement by letting the little girl know that, better than being a professional artist, she could marry a successful man and entertain her children with her doodles.

That story has stuck with me all my life, defining my beliefs in goals and dreams. It kicked up again last week when Lee and I took the kids to Kennedy Space Center. As my children looked at rockets and I looked at them, with their eyes filled with hope and excitement, fantasies of space travel rolling around in their heads, I couldn’t help think about why I was doing this. I know that the astronaut job market is rather competitive. It’s up there with president of the U.S. and queen of England. If the goal is to get my kids into space, I would have Bobby working on trajectory math ten hours a day. But I do not think that he will be an astronaut (though it would be cool if he was).

I do want him to be astronaut-like. I want everything that he does to have that quality of excitement and exploration that put a man on the moon. I want him to be the John Glenn of lawn mowing, the Yuri Gagarin of the business world, or the Neil Armstrong of neurosurgery. I realized that it was not about making them into a career astronaut but teaching them to be lifelong heroes. I’d be lying to them if I said that they could do anything. Let’s face it, Jeannie is too short to be a basketball player, Bobby is too tall to be a jockey, but Ricky has a pretty good head start on sumo wrestler.

So, this becomes the hard part. Where does fantasy give way to reality? Am I any different than my aunt who just wants her child to be realistic? I have one answer to this and, to be honest, I do not really like it but here it goes: I want my children to be greater than me. Now, I think that I am pretty good, so I’m not putting this out there as self-deprecation. I’m using this as the only meter that I understand. I do not know what it is to be an astronaut or a president or the queen. But I understand me. So I instill dreams of my best self, the hero that I see in me and my children.

I really hate that answer. I wish I had a better one.

Lee says: I hate when Paul writes before me. I always end up feeling a little inadequate. As for my children growing up to be greater than their father, that is a tall order. Paul is one of the greatest men I know: up there with Ghandi, Buddha and Mr. Rogers.

We are a family of dreamers. I believe that as a parent my job is to foster their dreams, fuel the fire of their passions by introducing them to new things and educating them on how to get what they want. I can not dream for them but I can support them. I will not stand by and support my kids in endeavors that have no hope either. Like those parents who say their kid is the next American Idol. Tell them the truth! Fantasy is one thing but delusions are fatal. Parents who support their children in doing things that they have no business doing are guilty of the worse kind of bad parenting: not having the stones to tell your kid NO!

As a Mom who adores her kids I will say, ‘No Jeannie you will not be a basketball player. And Bobby, you can ride horses but Jockeying isn’t your thing. But Ricky, I don’t know the rules yet but I’ll get your loin cloth ready.’