Dr. Laura » CoupleDumb

An Open Letter To Dr. Laura

Aug 252010

          Today I will dispense with the opening paragraph routine and just start since this topic deserves as many words as I can write. First, I will start with a question. Why don’t people listen to me? I mean, I don’t think I know everything and I don’t think that my soapbox ranting is tantamount to burning bush level and I don’t think that people should shave their heads and follow every word I say, but…. you have to admit, sometimes I am right on the money.

          A year ago I wrote about Dr. Laura. A year ago I said she was a hypocrite. Last year I said that she holds everyone to this impossible standard of living that she doesn’t even attempt to live by. I said that she is a ‘do as I say not as I do’ kind of person. I said that if she said to me ‘don’t do anything I wouldn’t do’ I may end up with three hookers, a donkey, a bag of smack and an orthodontist in a seedy motel room. O.K., I really didn’t write that but I am sure I thought it back then. What I am saying is, I told you so!

          Now, poor, poor, Dr. Laura is upset because everybody is on her back. Dr. Laura is calling foul because people are trampling over her ‘First Amendment Rights’. Dr. Laura thinks that she is being targeted by the left because she stands for good old conservative values and speaks from the right side of life and not the decadent, putrid, soul-destroying left. Bottom line? Dr. Laura thinks her shit doesn’t stink like yours does.

          Truth is, Dr. Laura is just a long line of these conservative finger waggers who feel the need to lecture people about the ills of the world while breaking at least half of the mortal sins. She is in the same company as Rush ‘Oxy-Queen’ Limbaugh and Jimmy ‘Let me see your titties’ Bakker and Larry ‘wide-stance’ Craig. This woman has made a living out of being judgmental. She has made a living from the poor souls who call her show looking for help and receiving more victimization. She has made a living from those who call her to admit to making mistakes and she takes the opportunity to persecute them even more. She has made a living being judge and jury and then has the audacity to get upset and call foul when the rest of the world jumps down her throat for using the ‘n’ word a million times.

          Here is what I say to Dr. Laura. Consider the following as an open letter to her:

          Dear Dr. Laura,

          I refuse to play the victim game. I refuse to persecute a victim and I will not be party to a media gang bang. In your case, I do not see where you are being singled out or even scapegoated. What I see is karma. What I see is the Divine bringing balance to the world. What I see is the universe bitch-slapping an individual who has had it coming for a long time.

          As a fake, liar and hypocrite who believed in a vengeful God, you should probably appreciate how poetic this all is. You are being punished for using a vile word that as a society we have decided that it should never be used. The ‘n’ word is not your word. It never will be your word. And yet you felt the need to use it like waving around an AK47 screaming ‘what’s the big fucking deal?’ The big deal is that the moment society decided the ‘n’ word was offensive, we set a boundary. Since you have no concept of those things, you easily violated not just your caller but everyone else in the world with that boundary. The big fucking deal is that you are an insensitive twat who has made a living off the emotional pain of others. The justice in all of this is that everyone is now feasting on yours.

          Dr. Laura, maybe it is time for you to retreat into a cave and take a time out. Maybe it is time for you to train those bugged out eyes on yourself and reassess. Perhaps you should take a sensitivity course or even go get some therapy to deal with the fact that you have never had a healthy relationship. Perchance you can begin to make amends to every soul you metaphorically ‘n’ worded. What I am saying so you can understand me is: REPENT FOR THE END IS NEAR!

           In closing, please do not pen memoirs, go campaigning with Sara ‘Cheat sheet’ Palin, give advice to anyone or conduct interviews. Just disappear like a good fake therapist, hypercritical cow.

Sincerely,

CoupleDumb.com

Celebrity Smackdown: Dr. Laura

Celebrity Smackdown

Aug 122009

Dr L. in all of her glory.
          It’s Celebrity Smackdown day! God we love this day! This is when we allow our judgments to fly and ranting is encouraged. The topic this week is ‘shoulds’ and how they mess up our lives. So, who to smack? We need to be honest. There are just some people out there that we hate. It’s true. There very being pisses us off and anything and everything they say is suspect and heard with the background tune of banjos. One such individual, who has been mentioned on a Celebrity Smackdown before, really makes our teeth itch (this is a Paulism that means annoys or irritates). One thing is being opinionated but shoulding people while sitting in a little booth with earphones on is quite different.

          Lee says: One of my friends from grade school told me she listened to Dr. Laura. She found it funny and enjoyed hearing the train wrecks. My reaction was visceral. I hate that woman. But I need to be clear why I hate the hypocritical double speaking ethically and morally vacant Dr. Laura Schlessinger. First of all, Dr. Laura holds a Ph.D. in Physiology. I know it looks close in spelling but it isn’t psychology. She received a certification in Marriage and Family from USC and was a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for a time but not now. She practices without a license and people believe she is a psychologist and neither she nor her staff really do anything to dispel this belief.

          So how does her radio show work? She gets someone on the phone and ‘shoulds’ the crap out of them. ‘Are you living with him?’ ‘Did you have premarital sex?’ ‘You need to honor your husband’ blah blah blah. First of all, she lived with a married man for eight years before she married him and those titty and kitty pictures that were passed around several years back were from a previous lover, not a perv who was stalking her. Just because you’re all dried up and probably won’t be engaging in these activities again Laura doesn’t give you the right to condemn others for doing it. If she discussed it like ‘Hey, I’ve been there. I get it’ that would be different. But she doesn’t.

          Then there’s the whole homosexual stuff. She is on record as calling homosexuals aberrations, deviants, pedophiles and a biological error. She was found guilty of violating Canada’s Code of Ethics by using this defamatory language. And what does she do after years of spouting this same shit from the highest mountain? She goes on Larry King and kind of takes everything back. Almost. Homos shouldn’t get married, according to her, but love is great and everybody should love someone. Hey Laura, when you were an Orthodox Jew you said ‘Be gay just don’t do gay’. So homos can love each other just not LOVE each other. Oh! What the fuck does that mean?

          Then your kid, the former army soldier, gets caught with some really fucked up shit on his MySpace. First of all, what kind of fucktard that works for our government puts damaging photos of Arab prisoners and uses racist epithets to describe them and cartoons about raping, torture and child molestation? Yo Laura, apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh? Maybe if you would have stayed at home with your son (which is what you preach) instead of creating an empire based on your warped judgment, your son would have grown up to be a man of integrity and not a total asshole.

          And while we are on the subject of ‘do as I say not as I do’, Laura, your latest deal is that most women today are pigs. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, that does include you, right? I will say that CoupleDumb is opinionated and we say a bunch of things that people should try out only because we live them! Trust me. You will never find any naked pictures of me on the net, a sex tape or judging someone with ideals that I don’t live by. Besides, I’m smart and burned all the negatives and taped Scooby Doo over the sex tape like any good pig woman would.

Celebrity Smackdown: Drs. Phil and Laura

Celebrity Smackdown

May 272009

All good advice comes from there.

Now, we aren’t ones to talk smack about people unless, of course, they really deserve it. This week we are focusing on advice and the people who peddle it. Many people are wondering, what’s the big deal? Why would CoupleDumb spend a few days concentrating on something as innocuous as advice? The answer is obvious. Some people out there actually listen to some of these hypocrites. The business of advice is alive and well, folks. The only way we’re going to kill this hydra is to do a Celebrity Smackdown on all these advice peddlers.

Here’s my problem with these people. As a trained therapist, you learn early on that you don’t give advice. Advice comes from a place of ‘I know and you don’t’. It separates you from the person with the problem because you feel superior. It’s hard to empathize when you feel incredibly superior to your client or guest. So when I hear about frauds like Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil, I wonder what happened to their last names. I’m kidding. I wonder what happened to their ability to feel. I wonder why they felt it was better to be hard core, no-nonsense pithy saying purveyors instead of real agents of change.

Dr. Laura is an interesting one since she has actually convinced people she has any authority whatsoever. The fact that her doctorate is in physiology should alert people to the fact that she is someone who is heavy duty denial of who she really is. So she was certified as a Marriage and Family Counselor in California many years ago but if she maintained any ethics whatsoever, she would drop the doctor all together.

At first, she passed herself off as an expert. Then she tried to convince us that her integrity was beyond reproach. Funny how some titty pics are the great levelers in our society. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Then came the information that she was unfaithful in her first marriage and assisted in the dissolution of another marriage. We soon found out that she lived with her hubby for many years and even had a baby out of wedlock. This from the woman who berates and humiliates people for doing the exact same thing she did. Now, if she would have said from the beginning that she was a titty flashing, unfaithful, marriage breaking, bastard having woman then her words may carry a little more weight in my book. Denying who you are is just one of those minor things that set me off. Call it a quirk but lack of integrity is my biggest pet peeve.

I could mention her opinions of homosexuals but do I really need to waste anymore space on this bitch?

Then we have Dr. Phil. At least this guy actually has a psychology degree. Sure he’s been sanctioned by the ethics board for having a dual relationship (in plain English-he was either diddling a client or gave one a job. Either way, big no-no), but he at least has an understanding about psychology that Dr. Laura probably doesn’t. What chaps my butt with this guy is the gross commercialism of his practice. Yes, I am calling his show a practice since people come to him with problem and they expect him to intervene.

The cases I am referring to are Britney Spears and OctoMom. To pursue clients like this just cheapens the psychology field in general. Targeting the crazy bitch du jour to have on your show makes you look bad, Dr. Phil. But if you insist on doing that, do it right. Get licensed in California, get a van with a cool crisis team and go after those crazy bitches with a vengeance. Tranq them and throw them in the back, then bring them to your show for you to work your magic and say shit like, ‘A dog never peed on a moving car’ and other gems like that. Maybe you can go over to Dr. Laura’s house first and try to find out what happened to your last names. Don’t worry; this is just some friendly advice.