Divorce » CoupleDumb

5 ways To Have a Healthy Divorce, Numbers 4 and 5

Jan 182012

THE Relationship Blog

So, you just got a divorce. It is January, after all. This is national divorce month. You have tried to be civil. You have tried to be rational but let’s face it, if a hole opened in the ground and sucked your ex down into hell where the scum belongs, you would not be crushed. Yes, you still have those fantasies of your ex-spouse dissolving into the aether, never to be seen again. After all, why did you get a divorce if you still have to deal with your heartbreaker? Unfortunately now you share kids or dogs or fish or credit cards or a house or health insurance.

Ask any divorced couple and you will find that one of the biggest myths of divorce is the fallacy that he will go his way and she will go her’s and the two will never see or hear from the other again. This becomes even more obvious if you have children together and shared custody and all of the other crap that serves to remind you that you were married once.

So here are our last two tips on how to have a healthy divorce. Both of these tips are for the couple that has to share something, whether it be children or air. Here is a little clue, both tips have to do with boundaries.

4. Live and let live

You are in a new relationship with your ex and this relationship may have new players. Just because of the failure of marriage number 1 (or 2 or 3…) does not mean that you will not date, fall in love and maybe even marry again. If this happens, the kids are going to have mommy and daddy number two. They may call them Barbara and Sam. They may call them Twoey or mom2. They may call them their favorite or the scumbag.

The fact is that you are going to need to decide right up front how you are going to handle dating. This needs to be done both rationally and compassionately. We are talking about affairs of the heart and affairs of the genitals so your rules need to be open to mistakes, spontaneity, love and jealousy. Sometimes daddy is going to bring home a slut because daddy needs to get his groove on or mommy might need to play a slut because mommy gets to get her groove on too. The children do not need to know about this. But mom or dad might fall in love again with someone that isn’t mom or dad. Talk it out. If you do it right, your kids can grow up with two pair of people that love and protect them. Nothing bad about that.

5. My house is my house.

Every parent has had to have this conversation. ‘Grenalda’s mom doesn’t do it that way.’ What is your response? ‘I’m not Grenalda’s mom.’ If you are sharing custody, this dialogue is mandatory. At some point everyone needs to set the rules. My house, my rules. On a side note, if mom has custody on the weekdays and dad has the weekends, then mom is screwed. You took the hard job because it was best for the kids. Work with that. You are playing the long game. Don’t lose your shit and you will get the reward at the end.

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5 ways To Have a Healthy Divorce, Numbers 2 and 3

Relationship Rejects

Jan 172012

THE Relationship Blog

The prospect of divorce must be daunting. After spending so much energy, time, and emotion in creating a marriage, a divorce is like a kick in the stomach. It is an unraveling of your hard work. It is a harsh grade on your life’s report card. For whatever reason, you and your spouse have decided to call it quits. You have decided that no amount of work, remodeling, emotional healing or forgetting will save your relationship. Some of you come to this conclusion in an adult manner after soul searching and doing everything you can to salvage the love that once was. Some people high tail it when the going gets rough. And there are some of you who are still struggling with the untimely conclusion of something you thought would last forever.

Whatever your situation, a healthy divorce is possible. We must remember that whether you like it or not, you will always be in relationship with your ex. If you have decided to divorce, why does their need to be animosity? Do you really need to act like a 2 year old in a sandbox? Here are the next two steps to making this divorce healthy:

2. If there is a possibility of contention, get a mediator.

Mediation is one of the smartest things created by the legal system. A mediator plays Solomon and really asks the question, ‘Are you willing to cut your baby in half?’ This is needed to put things in perspective when you are charged with anger and the anger of those around you. Staying grounded and negotiating like an adult makes divorce more palatable than a scary war.

3. Decide and commit to creating a new relationship with your ex.

You will always be in relationship. Try as you might to have them removed from the world and all memories scrubbed from the collective unconscious, you can’t. They are a permanent part of your history. They had a hand on making you, you. Sure, you probably should see a therapist and work out all the icky parts of your relationship but ultimately, those lessons create the ‘you’ you are today. You made decisions, beliefs and goals based on your relationship and those are partly because of or despite of who they were to you.

This relationship can begin to be created through the mediation process. Mediation only works when the participants are honest and respectful. With that foundation, any relationship can flourish. We are not advocating that you reunite with your ex but we do strongly believe in having a life free from enemies and journey stopping karma. Clear the decks, the air and forgive. You don’t need the baggage.

Tomorrow we will tackle divorce and child custody issues.

5 ways To Have a Healthy Divorce, Number 1

Monday, Heavy Monday

Jan 162012

THE Relationship Blog

January is Divorce Month! Gosh, we didn’t get you anything. But seriously, more divorces are filed in the month of January than any other month. For family lawyers, this is like tax season for CPAs. Sadly, this is the result of starting the New Year fresh. Many people tend to make big decisions when faced with the prospect of another year. So that we are very clear, CoupleDumb is not pro-marriage; we are pro happy and healthy marriages. A divorce is a necessary evil when you find yourself in a relationship that does not work for you and is slowly eroding your esteem and soul. So, we invite all people in the midst of divorce to entertain the possibility of a healthy divorce.

Yes, it is possible to have a healthy divorce. We just don’t see them very often because most people are continuing to play out the dysfunction of their marriage in their divorce. You need to ask yourself, why? Why are you arguing, fighting, positioning and committed to destroying your former spouse? For the next few days we will detail the 5 ways To Have a Healthy Divorce!

1. Whose drama are you playing out?

As soon as someone waves the divorce flags, lines are drawn and sides are taken. Divorce has become more contentious in our society than war in the Middle East. Our anger pours out over the splitting couple for all the crap we assume happened and the hurt our friend or family member is feeling. Meanwhile, you, the one going through the trauma, are left to seethe.

Divorce has become a fight instead of a split and moving on. Divorce lawyers do not want you to be amicable. It does not serve them for your divorce to be amicable. A lawyer does not care about your future relationship with your soon to be ex. A divorce lawyer is there to get you what you want. If there is property, they want you to have the property. If there are kids, they want you to have the kids. Unfortunately, equitable distribution is namby-pamby language used when a couple is acting like adults. Divorce lawyers say things like, ‘sole custody’,’ child support’ and ‘alimony’.

The negotiation style of a divorce lawyer looks the same every time. Ask for everything. Trash the opponent. Then, negotiate. In other words, striking fast and hard during a divorce will yield the most equitable results in the end. However, who heals the wounds caused by the divorce when the wounds of the marriage are still open?

Every divorce is started with injured parties. It hurts when something is over, the least of which is the cause of divorce. Whether it was infidelity, lack of communication, money, growing apart or abuse, the loss and grief over the failed marriage leaves the individual in emotional pain. If we listen to our lawyers, we must be ruthless. If we listen to our friends and family, they recommend the same. However, how does that serve you? Where is the integrity in painting your ex as an alcoholic or abuser or whatever will make you more sympathetic while trashing them?

Divorce does not need to be ugly. We recommend divorce with integrity. Divorces like your kids are listening to everything you say. Divorce as if you are running for office. Be proud of how you behave and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the marriage without vilifying your ex. It takes two to make it work and it takes two to tear it apart. Take responsibility for your part. No more blaming. Remember the good times but only to remind you that at one point you loved your ex. There is no need to be abusive in divorce so discuss the terms and hire one lawyer to help with the paper-work. It will save you money, time and heart ache.

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