Daddy » CoupleDumb

Got It From Daddy

Nov 042010

We have been writing about Daddy this week. Daddy get’s bad press. A father can only fall into 3 categories: he either abandons the family (physically and/or emotionally), he plays the stereotypical cold rock that provides but doesn’t get involved or he is a pseudo-mom. It’s sad really. We tell women they can be who they want to be but men, those who do not feel threatened by women, must pick one of the roles above? That sucks. Some of us have good Dad memories. What are yours?

Lee says: My Dad is a neat guy. Sure, he is opinionated, inappropriate, has poor boundaries and has no filters but he is my Daddy. My Dad has shown poor judgment throughout his lifetime when it comes to things he has said, done and his understanding of loyalty and commitment but he is my Daddy. My Dad has objectified women, hurt my Mom and caused intense, wounding pain to our family but he is still my Daddy.

You are probably thinking, ‘Jeesh, this bitch is in denial!’ You would be very wrong. I have gone through years of being angry with my father and have had my share of judgmental rants while dressing him down to no better than a character from an R&B song. I have jumped on any and every word he says and watched him like a hawk. I have tried to rescue my Mom, my siblings and my family to the point where I kept my cape in the car. The bottom line is, SO WHAT? Did that change him? Did his crappy behavior make him stop loving me or supporting me or being proud of me? No. Regardless of all the crap my Dad did, he was still a good Daddy.

Did this revelation come during a grey day, wearing a turtleneck sweater, sitting on the window seat looking at the rain puddle on the ground while sipping an international coffee? Hardly. The clarity came with years of therapy, hypnotherapy, release therapy and some good old-fashioned forgiveness and understanding. My Father, for all his faults was a product of his parents. Just like I am. When I understood him, I began to understand myself. It’s kind of like math. You must understand how to add to multiply which helps with algebra which helps with calculus. I am calculus and understanding my Dad is like using algebra to manipulate the equation that is me.

To understand my Dad I must look at the fact that my father, at the tender age of 21, was fighting communism. He was subversive and his opinions of Castro would not be contained. He was so controversial he was arrested many times in Cuba until he pushed people too much and he was scheduled to be executed. He was a wily mo’fo and was able to escape and thus used his contacts to escape the country. My Dad (and Mom), at an age where most of us are still sucking of our parents teats, was fighting the government and leaving everything he knew for the possibility of freedom. And here I am fretting a move back West…

I love my Daddy because he gave me an incredible inheritance of intelligence, stubbornness and guts. I also love him because he is a sappy bastard and seeing a man cry and feel, opened me to accepting the love of a sensitive man. Take a second and see what you got from your Dad. Ooh, I also thank him for good hair and wicked smile.

Paul says: He did give you good hair albeit a little on the light, light, light blond side. (TeeHee. That’s going to get me punched.)

It was interesting for me to marry into this family. My Dad is quiet and stoic in many ways so the dichotomy between the two was eye opening to me. I will admit that, after more than two decades of marriage, I try to live somewhere between these two models.

Calling All Dads

Kids and why you can't kill them

Nov 022010

Our Tuesdays are now sponsored by La Scuola school. Please take a look at their site at www.reggioinspired.com and give them a call at (305) 278-9555.
This week we are in the midst of defining and praising Daddies! Parents are vital to emotional, physical, spiritual growth of a child. Unfortunately for Dads, society tends to believe that the role of mother is more important. A mother provides the vessel with which cells are united and ultimately grow to be a beautiful baby. The Mother then can provide all the nutrition a baby needs for the first few months of life. The Mother provides warmth and safety and love and hugs. Let’s face it, Mom’s have great P.R.. So where does that leave Daddy?

Lee says: I love being a Mom. I loved being pregnant, giving birth and breast feeding. The time I had to bond with my child when they were itty bitty was priceless. There is something very feral to parenting when you are skin to skin with your child. The feelings of a lioness or Mama Bear definitely kick up and you feel that you would do anything for a child. I remember feeling like my husband was being cheated out of the experience. I shared something with my kids that he would never be able to do.

However, with time comes clarity and the reality is that father’s do not need to have any of those things to make them an integral part of a child’s life. In our society, we have taken parenting to mean mothering. We believe that a child needs nurturing and love. We also believe somehow that a Mother has a monopoly on this ability. We believe that Fathers are always playing catch up or is really a substitute Mother, in a sense, in case of emergency. A Father is a unique energy in a child’s life and not a pseudo, poor substituted, built in redundancy system.

A Father is an example of male energy that a child needs to grow to be a balanced human being. Our society, even though it is considered to be a Man’s world, is really maternally focused. Women and children first is not just something you yell when a boat hits an iceberg. The truth is that men are the second class citizens and react to this by oppressing women. The funny part is that they put women on top in the first place! We are raised to believe that Mommy is everything and that mentality does not go away. We believe kids are better off with Mom and that a child without a Mom is damaged. Father’s are equally important and completely ignored as vital to a child’s rearing and not as a poor excuse for a mother.

Father’s raise kids differently. Dad’s can love and nurture in their own way. Papa is the one who teaches you independence and walk it off and spitting and the five second rule and duct tape and showing up to the door in sandals, socks and a shotgun when your date arrives. These very manly/Daddy things are beautiful. A Father does not need to pretend to be Mom to be a successful parent. They need to love in their own way. They need to be allowed to be Alpha and beat their chests and protect their family and create safety; not as a lion waiting to be fed but as a warrior protecting his tribe.

I for one love Dads. I think men sell themselves short and have fallen to the belief that their role is as donor and not as equal parent. Step up men and take control of the job you were given. Your babies and society need you to be Dad more than you think.

Paul says: As my children lounge around half-naked, eating whatever they can scavenge (which is candy) I couldn’t agree more. Sorry, I have to go now. The three-year old wants a grappling hook. I’m so proud.

The shoulds of parenting.

Kids and why you can't kill them

Aug 112009

I can safely say you should not do this.
          It’s Tuesday and you should know that this week we are discussing a dirty word. Is it the dreaded ‘F’ word that will get you fined on the radio? Nope. Is it the ‘C’ word that makes women cringe and grab the closest bat? Nope. It is the ‘S’ word and we ain’t talking shit. That’s right! We are talking the dreaded ‘should’ and as parents we are so full of them it may as well be the other ‘S’ word.
          Lee says: I would like to take a moment in the beginning to ask the Mom’s in the audience a question. How many things did you give up when you were pregnant? You know, things like sushi, tuna, alcohol, traveling after a certain point, certain physical activity, risky things like road rage. For 9 months we literally went without some of our favorite things so that our babies would get the best chance possible. Sure, this wouldn’t guarantee perfection but it would limit toxic or traumatic causes to ruin the baby. As Mommies, we were more than happy to put our babies first.
          But, what would have happened if one day you broke down a little and took a bite of your husbands tuna sandwich or popped a California roll in your mouth because you just wanted one bite? That’s right! The wagging fingers and morality and Musterbating Police would have started waging a war of guilt on you the likes that have never been seen. What I’m saying is that as parents, these self-appointed, self righteous assholes do not stop at pregnancy. They keep judging and Shoulding us every chance they get. It doesn’t get easier.
Self-Righteous Asshole: Is Bobby taking any other classes other than Kindergarten? (Eyebrow raised in disapproval)
Me: Sure, he’s taking AP Physics and Calculus. We are a little bummed he didn’t make varsity dodge ball but there’s always next year.
          I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have a minimum level of care for a child but please remember, the only thing your Mom didn’t do when she was pregnant with you was shoot up dope and I’m not too sure about that. You had no car-seat, helmet or pads and you made it. She fed you processed foods, white flour and sugar in the morning, afternoon and evening and you survived. You didn’t learn another language until high school and the only thing you can say is ‘Where is the bathroom’ in Spanish and you aren’t lacking. I’m saying let’s stop shoulding parents and let’s start supporting each other.
          I, for one, will stop shoulding you if you stop shoulding me. Well? Have to go make dinner. It’s hot dog and Cheetos night at the CoupleDumb home. I think I’ll give them cubes of sugar for dessert.
          Paul says: The 1950’s demands of fatherhood have changed significantly but the shoulds have not. A dad should be involved with their children but not too involved. A dad should work hard and still be at every game, recital and spelling bee. A dad should be an equal parent but always a little less than mom. After all, we didn’t push the kid out of our peepee hole so how can we have a bond like a mother does? I’m trying to be sardonic here but I do think that if we got a handful of moms and dads together, there would be an antiquated underlying belief that mom should be ever present and dad should be responsible but distant.
          The shoulds for a dad, just like for a mom, do nothing but create inadequacy and fear. After Ricky was born, I was working in downtown Miami, about an hour away with good traffic. It was a corporate non-profit position and I was the chief financial officer. For me, this was an awful time. No matter where I was, I should be somewhere else. When I was at home, I felt that I should be at work. When I was at work, I felt that I should be at home. Since I could not shake off the shoulds, and the cloning machine was broken, Lee and I did what we needed to and pimped me out to the church job that was much closer to home and the topic of a week’s worth of other posts.