There are two topics that are off limits in a civilized conversation: religion and politics. Well, we are going to talk about both of them. And since CoupleDumb’s core values are to always be edgy, honest and entertaining, then, what the hell, let’s throw down with a little Thursday madness. Plus, whoever said we were civilized?
Paul says: I have been thinking a lot about this topic of core values. Yes, I actually think before I write. I also research. So, if you thought that I sat down at my computer, got generally fucked-up on scotch, and began to write whatever drivel came into my head then I am sorry to disappoint you. If you would like, I can try the drink and write technique but I think it will be better for me than for you.
So, anyhow, I was thinking. I began pondering the difference between a core value and a belief. I can have all kinds of beliefs and, as an opinionated old man, I can defend them wildly but they are not necessarily core values. I believe that the sun will rise tomorrow but, since I am not a morning person, I really hold no value to that belief.
Then I started thinking about couples with diametrically opposed beliefs and how they can fair. First let’s look at Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shiver. Arnold is a Republican. Ok, he is not just a Republican. He is the Republican governator of a traditionally Democratic state and his wife is a Kennedy, part of the royalty of the Democratic party. How can these two live with each other? I am assuming that, ideologies aside, they both hold a belief in the party system of government as something special, something that they value above the pettiness that any of the party platforms holds.
Sticking with the political realm, maybe James Carville and his wife, Mary Matalin, are more understandable examples. They are both political consultants. He worked on the Clinton campaign while she was working on the (H.W.) Bush campaign. These two scare me. As far as I can tell, they share the same core value of crushing all that oppose them. That is as much as I’m willing to write about them lest I find myself being slowly fed into a wood chipper with the two of them yelling ‘What you writing about now, mutha-fucka’.
I find that it is easy to cling to beliefs, thinking that they are a value. I’ve met couples that proudly claim that they are good Christians, holding that up as a core value, only to later discover that one say God as smiting and vengeful and the other held a loving, benevolent Lord. See, we said that we would be talking religion.
According to studies, shared core values are the greatest predictors of relationship success. Specifically, values in the domains of spirituality, marital identity, financial goals, and child rearing are key to share. All this being said, just a couple shares core values does not mean that the values should be shared. Let’s face it, Bonny and Clyde shared values.
Lee says: Don’t let him fool you. He is usually messed up while he writes.
Beliefs are ideas while values are things with intrinsic worth. Values can exist independent of beliefs whereas beliefs rely heavily on our core values. I value ambition and success. I believe that to be happy I need to work hard to attain what I want. Had my value been more of a team player and being part of a whole then my belief system would follow suit and be to keep my head down and do my job.
Paul mentioned Bonnie and Clyde. We see them as a tragic matching where their love and insanity took them to a bloody, bullet-ridden end. When in reality, they were working their business plan! There is no tragedy here. They valued risk, wealth and doing whatever it takes. They believed that this could end in death. So instead of seeing them as a cautionary tale, we should see them as an example of a couple that shared values and got exactly what they believed they would. Ah, love!
