Competition - CoupleDumb

grosstwins 230x300 The Secret to Winning

          What are you doing this weekend? Would it really mess you up to know that we are probably going to handle all of our Christmas shopping? Would it make you click on the Amazon link right next to this post just to see if you can pick up a few things for your kids or siblings? Well then click away because we are doing our shopping this early. We always do. Is this a competition thing, let’s see who finishes first, or could it possibly be challenging ourselves to be organized. Could it be that the healthiest form of competition is competing with yourself?

          Lee says: I was having trouble coming up with a point of view for this post when my parents came over for a visit. Within a couple of minutes, they showed there true colors and were actively competing for my affection and the title of parent of the day. The argument went something like this: (Translated from Spanish and insults were omitted)

          Dad: I called you and you didn’t answer your phone.

          Mom: I call her every day. She was probably shocked that you would call.

          Dad: She knows that my calls are special and always answer my calls. When she sees it’s you on the phone she lets it go to voicemail.

          Mom: Oh, like she did with you?

          Yeah, those are my parents. I know they love me. They would do anything for me but, good God in heaven, do they annoy me.

          After receiving comments about competition, I felt that I should explain myself a little more. Competition is not bad at all. It is how we do it that is dysfunctional. Because of our socialization, all competition is seen as an external activity. A foe, enemy, opponent must be taken down. This is what is ultimately unhealthy. Them against us. We make the people in our life take sides to show their loyalty; our side versus their side. Patriotism, jingoism and partisanship are just hotbeds that breed division. We think we can actually unite when everything is created within a chasm.

          Someone actually wrote that she was surprised that I felt this way about competition. To her I say, I have evolved. The only competition I have now is me against me. I see what I have done and I try to make it better. If I don’t, the previous record stands. Either way, I win. I don’t feel like a loser since the benchmarks to which I aspire were set by me. If this sounds a little narcissistic ,it’s not. I don’t compare myself to others since that would be competing. People have different abilities and gifts. To compare yourself to someone else is unfair to yourself. Do I create outrageous goals for myself and make it impossible to ever complete them? No. I set the bar. I decide how high it goes and how hard to push.

          Now don’t get the idea that this is some wussy way to get out of working hard. I have found that I work harder when I use my own accomplishments as inspiration. I don’t need to get in the end zone and do a mocking victory dance and taunt my opponents to make my win any better. I take a moment and then create the new goal. Sure it sounds exhausting but I think I had mentioned that I have a work addiction issue I am still working out.

          Paul says: Since I am the numbers guy for CoupleDumb, I am constantly looking at our site statistics and comparing them to other sites. By definition, this is competition but that is not what we are talking about. This week has not been a manifesto in favor of socialism. What we are rallying against is the win/lose scenario. People seem to deal with their lives as if they were world class athletes. I don’t know about you but my lazy ass is not sprinting anywhere in under ten seconds and no one is measuring my gentle stroll to get my fifth cup of coffee. In my version of real life, I have no scenarios where someone needs to lose for me to win.

          Currently we are the 80,461^st website in the nation. This is amazingly good and we are very proud of our accomplishment but does that mean that I needed to destroy number 80,462? No. Frankly, I do not care and neither does number 80,462. The competition is negligible in the great scheme of things.

          That being said, I do have my eye on the number one spot. Anybody have an idea how I can topple Google?

oneupmanship 300x225 Relationship, Competition and Marriage

          Relationship, competition and another exciting Thursday that make us want to break out in song. From the musical, Cabaret, our theme song for today is Maybe This Time. Well, really it is just one part sung over and over; ‘everybody loves a winner. So nobody loved me’. So warm up your vocal cords and sing out loud our relationship anthem here on your CoupleDumb. (Please read the above introduction with Ryan Seacrest’s voice and maybe add some flashing lights at the end. Thank you.)

          Paul says: Everything that we write about on CoupleDumb is our attempt to create stronger relationships in life. From smacking down Beck because he promotes a lifestyle of distrust to sharing our deepest insights about our shadows, we write this stuff because we truly want to see people happy with their relationships. Much of the tidbits of wisdom that Lee and I offer circle around that scary ‘something’ that is in each of us, that secret ‘something’ that we keep dumping into our relationships.

          When you look across the table at that person with whom you want to spend your life, whether they are your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, civil partner, common law spouse, or your other half in the eyes of God, do you see them as part of your team? Do they see you as part of their team? Do you see yourself as a teammate?

          Now at first blush, I figure everyone is going to give the ‘of course I’m a teammate. Hell, I’m the quarterback’ answer. (BTW, if you gave the quarterback answer and can’t figure out why that may not be the best response, please go back to the beginning of CoupleDumb and reread all of it, this time taking notes.) Then I realized that our readers are insightful and introspect. I was also watching Glee at the time. Since I get all of my insights from TV, when the main character belted out the line, ‘everybody loves a winner. So nobody loved me’ I thought to myself that that is the underlying belief that makes us sabotage our marriages with petty competitions. I also thought to myself that the woman who plays the cheerleading coach is hilarious, but that is not really important now.

          OK, Mr. and Mrs. ‘I don’t compete’, more probing questions for you. If you are both career people, can one person make more than the other? Can you make 35 grand a year while your wife makes 235,000? Is it alright that one of you works 16 hours a week and the other works 16 hours a day? Even without the huge salary gradient, who makes dinner? Why? Is it a gender issue or is one just better at it? How do you know that one is better?

          That is enough questions because I think the point is made. When I am writing about competition in a relationship, I am also talking about all of the personal baggage that comes with it. It is not whether or not Lee can knock out a dinner that is yummier than mine. What I take away from the dinner is the important part. Did she just make a great meal for the team or did she just one-up me one more time? It’s my decision. (Boy, I hope that she cooks tonight.)

          Lee says: One of the most detrimental things in a marriage is competition. If you keep score in anything from who cooks or how much housework you do to how many times has your partner initiated sex, you are toying with the death knell to your relationship. It is the score sheet that ultimately kills a couple. When you sit down and review your relationship, the first thing you think of is what? How much do I love this person? DO they love me as much as I love them? What have they done for me lately? All of these questions come from a place of ‘I’m doing more than you, fucker!’

          Friends don’t help because all they see and judge is their idea of partner participation. For example: You are at a party and your partner brings you a drink or is seen winking at you from across the room or even better, spends the night kissing your neck and rubbing your ass. Wait a second, what kind of party is this? Regardless, the actions of your partner is what is noted and perceived to be a good or bad husband, wife, etc…

          Paul is perceived to be good since he is fully participatory with the household, childrearing, cooking and exhibits affection. I’m sure in the hubby world he would be the king and win all competitions. But in my world, those things help but I am more interested in how he loves me and how I love him. How do I feel when I am with him? Can he ring my bell before one of the kids interrupts us? In these there is no competition. I know I can ring his bell in record time.

sharebookmarx Relationship, Competition and Marriage

competition 300x240 Relationship, Competition and Ape Hierarchy.

          It’s competition Tuesday here at CoupleDumb where the winner gets all of their dreams to come true. Ha! Don’t you wish it was that easy? Instead, how about if we talk about kids, competition and the game? Yes we are being purposely obtuse. We don’t know what the game is either but we have been trying to win it all of our lives.

          Paul says: I was getting the boys out the door this morning. Bobby had his school backpack on and his lunch box in hand. Ricky was carrying a bottle of his morning milk and a stuffed animal. I stopped them at the front door, grabbed my keys and coffee, and said, ‘let’s go’. Bobby push the door open and sprinted to the car. ‘I’m going to win,’ he yelled. The two year old blasted after him. ‘You’re not fast enough,’ he hollered back with an implied ‘bitch’. I had to laugh. At ages 5 and 2, my boys had already mastered smack talk.

          Lee and I have been known to refer to our kids as apes, mainly because they are poop flinging nudists with bad table manners, but there may be some truth to the name on more of a shared genetic level. Like the simians, humans are social creatures with a natural tendency towards creating hierarchy. Bobby knows that mommy and daddy are the bosses, a unified dictator and woe to him if he is caught trying to play one of us against the other. Under us but above him is our 16 year old. She has bureaucratic authority where some things she can authorize and others require a call to the chief. Bobby has a very tenuous authority over Ricky. As long as he is making good choices, he can be the boss.

          Once we created hierarchy in our household, we created competition. They go hand-in-hand. As I write this, Ricky is sharpening a crayon into a shiv and awaiting his brother’s return. As long as we all survive the coup with our limbs and sanity intact, I do not think that competition is all together bad. When I focus on the success that comes with the challenge and not attach love, real or perceived, to winning and losing, then my children get a little built in catalyst to doing more. Ricky does his ‘homework’ with Bobby. While Bobby does his kindergarten assignments, Ricky sits next to him and draws, colors, makes geometric shapes, and attempts to write his name.

          And Bobby, in order to maintain his superiority, a superiority that he has not figured out is due to his extra three years of life and not the energy he puts in, works a little harder to be the educator. He shows Ricky how to count, read and write. That is the responsibility of being a gracious winner in the ‘who was born first’ race. I think that that is the key. It is an acknowledgement that, even if he does not want his brother to win over him, Bobby wants his brother to win.

          Lee says: The genetic link isn’t only to our banana eating ancestors. Paul is the king of the apes in our household and the only thing he hasn’t taught his boys is how to beat their chests. Between you and me, I just had a realization that in a couple of years, Jeannie will be off to college and I will be alone with these three guys. You can send your condolences to www.facebook.com/coupledumb.

          Aside from his fuzziness and general disregard for hygiene, Paul makes several good points. One point that I would emphasize is for parents to foster team behavior within the home. In the wild, it is only when animals team up that they eat better and have the opportunity to be more prolific due to safety in numbers. In the human world, this also holds true. The stronger the family bond, the stronger a child feels to venture out to be independent. Shy kids are actually insecure kids. It is difficult to be shy when you know that you are safe in your family.

          Within the realm of competition, you also foster competitiveness within the household, however, outside of the home everyone wears the same jersey. A family is a team. Within the team you can do your power-plays and fight for dominance. This is natural and healthy. Think of puppies tumbling around and biting each other. But outside the home, it is a different story.

          I thank my parents for that lesson. I pity anyone that comes up against us. We may be out of shape and overweight but we make up in physicality with a pure unadulterated drive to win. Kind of like rhinos on a rampage, but nicer and with better hygiene.

sharebookmarx Relationship, Competition and Ape Hierarchy.

The Secret to Winning

Relationship, Competition and Marriage

Relationship, Competition and Ape Hierarchy.

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