children » CoupleDumb

Bring Out Your Dead

Sep 112009

          So have you bought your Grandparents a gift for Sunday? How about a card? Have you tried the recording? For those of you who have grandparents that have made an impact on your life, make Sunday special and show them your love. We realize that our reverence for grandparents has been less than consistent. One of us had grandparents that he still talks about wistfully. While the other has one grandparent left and she is tired of encouraging her to go into the light.

          Lee says: I’m a bitch! I know. Not news to me. I talk about my only living grandparent as if I wanted her dead. If this is the message you are getting I am better at communicating than I thought. Is this a nice way to be? No, but you can’t judge me unless you have walked in my shoes or are one of my siblings who, by the way, are much nicer than me yet still share my opinion.

          My grandmother was born and raised in Cuba. Back in the day, she was the head of the Neighborhood Goon Squad who monitored the behavior of all the neighbors. She was a communist and proud. My parents were always against the Castro regime and communism as a whole. Grandma was and has always been a fanatic. She is the kind of person who would have been put on a boat and kicked out of England. She’s a puritan, communist, Christian, self righteous, perpetual virgin who believes most people are doing it wrong.

          Sure she’s 87 and she was molded by her time but this level of arrogant virtue is out of control. She shared with us her warped opinions on sex (‘men have parts of the Devil’- guess which one). She gave us her take on race relations (‘I have no problem with black people, I had many black friends in Cuba but don’t dance with that black guy ‘cause he’ll rape you’). She gave us perspective when we felt good about ourselves (‘did you know your cousin is doing well in school’). She is an example of a good mother by demonstrating that denial makes you look better (‘Your aunt [her daughter] wasn’t an alcoholic’). In fact, most of the shit that she has said over the years has either fallen into the disregard pile or flushed immediately. At this point in her life she is slightly demented and just wants to chat about ‘remember when so-and-so went to cut cane’ crap that no one living can remember.

          I guess my point in saying this is that at some point soon (God willing), she will die. It is inevitable. Currently, her health is in decline due to a fall a few months back. She may have fluid in a lung, perhaps blood, has lymphedema on the same side that she had a mastectomy 25 years ago and she admits to feeling like her life is leaving her. The doctor gave her an appointment almost a month later to examine whether she has fluid in her lung. I told my sister that it appears that he hates her more than we do. And the truth is, I don’t hate her. I just don’t see her relevance and see her more as a disturbance. She never created a role in my life. She was an off-screen character that caused unexplained chaos (kind of like fate or the weather).

          I guess what I’m trying to say is Grandma will be dying soon and then I will have no grandparents. It would have been nice to have cool grandparents but that was not my fate. It better happen soon. I feel like a character in Monty Python’s Holy Grail bringing out my dead and she keeps saying ‘I think I’ll go for a walk’. I know what she can give me for Grandparent’s Day. I know, I’m a bitch.

          Paul says : No, Lee is not the wistful one.

A Box Full of Grandparent Love

Kids and why you can't kill them

Sep 082009

And these are some random old people, unrelated to either of us. They don't look happy.

          Happy Tuesday everyone! As we all get settled into our routines with the kids being back in school, we can start to see our hectic schedules for the next few months. Before we know it, we will be getting costumes together, eating Thanksgiving with the family and sticking a tree in the middle of our living rooms. But before all this good stuff, we need to take the time to love and honor some people that play such a large role in the family. The Grandparents!

          Lee says: September 13^th is National Grandparents Day! For me, grandparents aren’t a big deal. Actually, to be more accurate, grandparents have always been an utter disappointment. We never had the stereotypical grandparent that would shower you with gifts or cave into every whim we had. Our grandparents tended to be more the type of people who would compare us to our cousins or who would change the subject when we told them of our accomplishments.

          Example: “Hey Abuela (remember, I’m Cuban and this conversation actually took place in Spanish.), I just got my Master’s Degree!” Abuela (Grandma): “Oh, did you know that your cousin can legally drive now?” Do you understand me yet?

          I know cognitively that a grandparent holds a very important role in a child’s life. Metaphorically, the grandparent is a haven, a shelter from the constant parameters and limitations of parents. Within the family, the grandparents are the historians and connection from one generation to the other. They show a child what a family really is. They set the context for the unity of the clan; whether the family will be united, divided and how a family deal with their problems.

          That’s a big responsibility. In the case of my kids, they are very blessed to have two sets of wonderful grandparents. Both sides dote on them and think they are the best thing in the universe. My parents, or Abui and Mamuchi (I told you I’m Cuban), care for my kids every now and then and when they don’t you will find them visiting and calling. Paul’s parents live over 1800 miles away and see them infrequently, however, they have made there presence known to them. Grandma and Grandpa speak to them on the phone, remember them with cards sent by mail to each of them and the kids favorite, holiday treats. Even Jeannie at the age of 16 gets excited when they receive a box from Grandma and Grandpa.

          No they don’t send them Ipods and video games. They send them little stuff like homemade cookies or some seasonal cereal or candy. The thought and sentiment of these gifts are understood by my children even though they are young. It is obvious that these are things they pick up over time, whenever they are in a store. They’ll see something interesting and think of Ricky or Bobby or Jeannie and put it aside for one of their care packages. From Peeps to Frankenberry cereal, the box is loaded with heartfelt sugary goodness.

          This year, we will begin the tradition of honoring these very special people in our lives. Our kids are recording for them a National Grandparent Day greeting on http://www.grandparents.com/gp/yourvoice/getstarted1/index.html?navbar=menu-activities. Just a phone call and message and every grandparent can know they are loved and appreciated. They will be able to click on it as many times as they want to hear their grandchildren send them love or tell them about loosing a tooth, again. What do you think a grandparent would rather have? An ugly sweater or the voice of their grandbaby saying I love you.

          Paul says: If you asked my grandparents, they would have said that the sun rose and set on my ass. There was never any doubt that my grandparents, especially my grandmother, adored me in that fanatical ‘the tail just makes him all the more special’ kind of way. The fact that my children have that from every direction just lets me know how truly blessed we are.

Listen to the Music

Kids and why you can't kill them

May 192009

Parenting supply list. Item #1: Duct Tape

Here’s a question. Should you be taking any advice about parenting from a couple who spend 1/3 of their day figuring out how to get away from their own kids?

Lee says: Of course! Parents, let’s be honest here and put our cards on the table. We know you love your kids but honestly, do you really want to be with them every waking moment of every day? If the answer is yes, then you have major problems. Sure, that’s my opinion. I know, your kids are special, talented and butter doesn’t melt in their mouth, but you know what I know about you, you’ve forgotten how to live your life. That’s right. Having a family is wonderful but even if your kids can fart the alphabet, you need to get out and live.

We know this one really well. We live in Miami. My parents and siblings live nearby. Paul’s family lives out of state. We can generally depend on my mother to care for the kids but that comes with a hefty price. How much does she charge us, you ask? I usually pay a pound of flesh with a side of guilt. My mother insists that she doesn’t mind taking care of them and yet gives me truckloads of shit when she does. Then, even before we leave her house she’s asking how quick we’re going to be. This is probably not the best thing to say right before a nice date with your husband. Then I spend my time calculating how long we’ve been out and compare it to the boys schedule being sure to add moodiness, hunger and hyperactivity to the equation.

So why am I saying all this? A parent needs to remember to be an adult. A parent needs to remember what its like to be a husband or a wife. A parent needs to remember that, before the kids, they had a life and enjoyed doing things with other adults. Ah, fuck it. A parent needs to remember that you use to enjoy having sex with the door open and you use to be really loud! Remember?

On Sunday, Paul and I went on a date. We recently decide our 16 year old needed to be given responsibility and now she has officially become ‘The Babysitter!’ We had done some test runs but had not ventured too far from home just in case. This time we drove over a half hour away and went to a movie and dinner. When we got in the car, Paul said something like ‘I love this’ and I turned on the car which switched on the radio. I recognized the song immediately; ‘That’s the way I like it’ by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. I danced as we began to relax and remember that aside from parents we are husband and wife.

We went to CineBistro which, adults if you haven’t gone, you must! The theatre is equipped with yummy, cushy and roomy chairs and if you sit in the front row you have a large ottoman for your feet. You also have a waitress take your order for a yummy meal with drinks to boot! Honestly, the experience was so wonderful that the only thing missing was the ability to remove our pants.

On the way home, we were flirting and would kiss at red lights. As we approached our block, the song ‘Get down tonight’ started. Paul laughed but I became very quiet. Was this an odd coincidence? Was K.C. and the Sunshine Band moonlighting as a couples D.J.? Was God trying to tell us something?

I don’t know the answer. All I know is that we heard His message and did what He asked us to do. We did a little dance, made a little love and got down that night. It was wonderful and I can’t wait to be an adult again.

Paul says: We just moved Ricky out of his crib and into the bottom of a bunk bed. Since I am the nightshift who traditionally handles the nocturnal events of our children, Ricky’s new found ability to roam the house at will has severely put a damper on my sleep. In other words, I am a chronically sleep deprived daddy. I tell you this so that you fully understand that, for me, K.C. is akin to the Archangel Gabriel and his message of love and getting down-ness was fully heard.