children » CoupleDumb

Where are Children in the New Marriage?

Mar 092010

In the next frame, the kid in the middle kicks all of the others asses yelling "Nothing can hold me in".
          Marriage has changed considerably over the last half of a century. Of course, since it is Tuesday and this is CoupleDumb, we need to ask the question, ‘Where are children in this climate of new marriage?’ The answer is ‘nowhere’.

          Paul says: In the old days, the reason that people got married was to have children without getting a good ass-smiting by God. A married woman got pregnant, period. If she could not drop a litter then she was somewhat useless. Harsh but true. Then came the 60’s and the nature of equality changed throughout the nation. Women, rightfully, did not want to be solely baby making machines, couples started seeing the benefits of a two income family, and men did what they could to leave the caves and stand in the light of a new liberation of everyone. (Yes, I am a believer that what is good for some is good for all.)

          …And marriage went from being child centered to being something else. From the 1960’s to the 1980’s, the fertility rate in our nation dropped by half. In other words, we were making half the babies that we used to. I do not want anyone to get me wrong, I am delighted that we have moved from a child-centered marital system. My kids really should not be the center of anything short of a maybe one of the rings of hell, the ring with whiny children and drippy ice cream. But, if children are no longer the center of a marriage then what has replaced them?

          I’m not a big fan of answering by subtractions but here are some of the things that have not replaced them. Love is not at the center of marriages. We already know that most people cannot distinguish true love from the need for a good pickle poke. If anything, love has taken a step back from marriage since the closest that people came to unconditional love was in the act of bonding with their children. So love is out.

          Being married has not taken center stage in marriage either. Divorce rates are up, people cohabitate more than ever, and rearing a child outside of wedlock is becoming more and more common. So the value of marriage existing for itself has definitely not taken hold.

          My take on things, for what it is worth, is that nothing has taken the position of center and that that is what we are seeing and experiencing now. We are searching for that new center. Women struggle daily with the balance of wife, mom and lover while trying to hold on to their individuality and still be part of something greater. Men are slowly learning to let go of the reigns of breadwinning despot with one hand while taking up the roles of nurturer and team player with the other.

          Oddly enough, in all of this searching, the teen population still knows what they want. I’m going to say something that I don’t think that I have ever said: teens are a lot smarter than they look. OK, that felt weird. But they are proving themselves. In a recent study of high school students, they said overwhelmingly that they value marriage. They said that they want to be married, have children but only when they are financially secure, and have careers that allow for a balance of family and work. How bad does it have to be that adults can take priority cues from adolescents? What’s next, talking dogs?

            Lee says: That might help marriage as well. I am sure that our ugly dog, who Paul was whoring out yesterday, could give plenty of people advice.

            I know that one thing people are trying is making their marriage God centered. Well, here is where Lee gets herself in trouble. God, for lack of a better way of saying this, cannot hold up a falling marriage. If you were raised in the Judeo-Christian faiths then you heard a little something about free will. This is where we can do what we want and it is God sanctioned. God, or whatever you call your spiritual connection, leaves for you to choose between good/evil, right/wrong, commitment or other, responsible or irresponsible. Making Him the center of a marriage is thus giving Him the responsibility to hold you up. Sure, I hear a lot of the chatter about how these couples are commanded to be the best husband and wife… and that this makes marriage so important….but let me tell you a little secret. Christians have a higher divorce rate than any other religion.

            I believe God wants us to make the marriage (commitment) the center of the marriage. Do well there and you can pretty much do anything else. The foundation we create at home is what buoys us throughout our lives. God is support and a beacon for everything in life but we lose the purpose of our beliefs if instead of keeping our faith as the mood music we make it the lyrics, the dance moves and the pounding bass.

Child safety

Reader's Questions

Dec 112009

Keep them safe.

          With the holiday season moving into full swing, families across the country are in the car and on the go. Whether you’re driving across the country to visit family or across town to holiday shop, it is important that your child passengers are riding safely and that child safety seats are used correctly.

          AAA estimated that 30 million people travelled this Thanksgiving holiday alone and for many this is just the beginning of the holiday hustle and bustle. Now is the time to utilize the Child Car Safety tools provided by the U.S. Department of Transportation’s National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) and the Ad Council to learn more about proper car seat use and installation. You will find informative resources that include instructional videos.

          Have child passenger safety questions that you need answered before you travel over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s? NHTSA is always available to answer your questions online through Facebook and Twitter.

          Lee and Paul say: Take care of your precious cargo. Strap them in!

Shadows of a Parent

Kids and why you can't kill them

Sep 292009

Did she use to look hotter?

          It’s Tuesday and we are talking shadows this week. Tuesdays are dedicated to our relationships with our children, parenting and just being a child. When we decided to discuss shadows this week, Tuesday became a very important day. Why you ask? Simply put, most of our shadows are created in childhood. Some of you are reacting to this negatively and are thinking, ‘Oh jeez, here comes the inner child crap’ or ‘why the hell would you look for a shadow?’ To these questions we say, are you comfortable living an unexamined life?

          Lee says: Parenting, in general, is a veritable cornucopia of opportunities to get to know yourself better. However, if you choose to eschew personal growth, therapy or just asking yourself ‘why the hell do I do this’ then you will always be at the mercy of the world. It’s the difference between a passive victim of fate and taking on the role of protagonist in your life. Are you the hero or are you leaving that up to someone else who will, I’m sorry to say, invariably disappoint you.

          On September 30, Patricia Heaton is starring in a new show on ABC called ‘The Middle’. The Warner Brothers promo department says it’s a show about an overwhelmed mother of three trying to get by. The opening scene of the premiere is the main character, Heaton, dressed as a superhero in the middle of nowhere with no cell phone reception. Since we’re talking shadows and archetypes, this scene just made me go all atwitter. Think of it, Mommies. A superhero? Lost. All alone. Nobody can hear you. Is anything resonating with Moms yet?

          Now in most of the family sitcoms or dramas, I tend to react to the Mothers who are over-involved, hovering and meddling. You know the type of Mom. Does Endora ring a bell? So what am I reacting to? I don’t like the fact that she violates boundaries and blames the others for her daughter’s situation. So, how is Endora my shadow? Easy, I am Momma Bear. Nothing makes me forget boundaries easier than having my kids or someone I love being hurt or have the potential of emotional discomfort. I become the chief conductor on the blame train and everyone is fair game. When I behave like this, I am totally entitled to my behavior, which I would normally find to be out of integrity, because I am protecting my babies or my family. This means if I need to call a teacher a bitch and be held down during a school meeting then that’s just fine (no, this hasn’t happened…yet).

          Normally I would never behave like Endora but my kids bring this out of me. Some parts of Endora are wonderful such as her fierce love of her children, her problem solving, feeling invincible and the outfits are fabulous. On the negative side, the lack of boundaries just goes against who I am and what I want my children to learn. In every shadow there is the dark and the golden. I believe the golden parts of Endora are so important in my role of Mom. The negative is more hindering than helping (that isn’t necessarily true in the case that someone really needs to get their ass kicked).

          I thank my self reflection or the consideration of my internal workings for these insights. Without that, I would stand there wondering what the hell was happening to me and blaming the world for my need to react so irrationally. That doesn’t sound so bad on paper unless it’s your arrest warrant or another law suit.

          Paul says: Non-participatory Dad’s bother the shit out of me. Nothing annoys me more than a father that sits, not lifting a finger, and complains to his wife about the children’s behavior. With shadows there is a rule of thumb that if something erks you on an emotional level then it is your shadow. So apparently I have a ‘lazy daddy’ shadow. Shit, I just figured that out while writing this. Maybe if I integrate this new shadow, I can start to ignore my apes. What do you think?