Charlie Sheen » CoupleDumb

Celebrity Smackdown : Recap

Nov 032010

In a world where celebrity gossip happens moment to moment, we thought we would give you a quick recap of the crazy stuff happening on any given day. Now, this information can change dramatically between keystrokes so it is important that you stay abreast of the daily chaos.

Randy and Evi Quaid where busted up in Canada for their probation violation in Santa Barbara California. The revelations are the following: 1) Evi turns out to be Canadian. I didn’t realize Canadians could be crazy so that explains her idiosyncrasies. (Speaking very slowly and loudly) “Evi , in America we pay our rent.” 2) They are convinced that they are not crazy and that they are actually actors and artists who are the victims of ‘racketeering’. This is probably not the word they meant but apparently other actors have fallen to these nefarious pigs. Quaid mentioned David Carradine was a victim of this gang of Hollywood racketeers. And I thought he just liked to masturbate while in fishnets and trussed like a pig. 3) The Quaids repeated ‘We are not crazy’. Evi is Canadian and Randy is an Actor. Nuff said.

Charlie Sheen loses his shit and trashes a hotel room which he happened to have been sharing with an amateur porn star. The story from his camp is that he lost his 150 grand watch and wanted it back. The would be bicycle (everyone takes a ride) says she did not take it and wants to press charges or get his probation revoked or get publicity or show her strawberry eating head shots or her ability to lick her own clavicle. Then, Charlie Sheen goes back to work while the ‘would be’ porn star goes on a daily revelation of ‘and then he…’ until she receives some serious 2 and a half cash to shut her up.

Mel and Oksana are bound and determined to air every piece of this court battle on TMZ. Personally, I think Mel is a racist, anti-Semitic asshole with an impulse control issue. However, I find it interesting that his marriage of a thousand years with many children imploded out of the limelight while this micro-second dalliance with this Russian chanteuse is going down like the Hindenburg wrapped in a Titanic. He was an easy target and Oksana is milking the fatted calf.

Christine O’Donnell apparently doesn’t wax, is not a witch and she’s just like you. Personally, she scares the shit out of me kind of like single white female meets Karen Black from Trilogy of Terror after the voodoo fetish doll gets her.

Joe Jonas has apparently ditched the purity ring and appears to be doing very unchristian things with Ashley Green. The reports say that Joe’s Mom is upset that Ashley the Succubus has turned Joe to the dark side and away from the moral, right and just way she raised him. We, at CoubleDumb, would like to remind Joe’s Mom that he is probably as much of a virgin as she is and that championing your 21 year old son’s virginity is as ridiculous as claiming that Miley Cyrus is still pure. And for G’d’s sake, you’re his mother not his wife! Let the boy have some fun!

Demi Lovato is in rehab for emotional issues. I usually go to therapy, hang out with friends or take a nap.

To sum up, Charlie is still using and yet another ho is trying to get some attention, Mel is still whack but Oksana is a milk maid, Randy is an actor and Evi is Canadian and they are not crazy (wink wink), there is a wicked group of people in Hollywood who steal your money and then dress you up, put you in bondage gear, masturbate you and kill you and apparently that’s called racketeering, Christine O’Donnel is scary, Joe Jonas is getting some and Demi Lovato is a wreck and possibly a cokehead. Every one good now?

WTF of the Week: Dep Bev Campbell

WTF of the Week

Jun 112010

          I like to keep my nose out of other’s peoples business. If what you are doing doesn’t hurt me then, I say, go with God, Mofo. However, sometimes I may allow myself a little wiggle room to judge or insinuate myself into a situation if I feel I must rectify a wrong. I like to call it ‘Leeway’.

          On Monday, Charlie Sheen was set to go in front of an Aspen judge and plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge stemming from his Christmas day assault of his wife Brooke Mueller. Charlie’s attorneys had worked on his plea deal for over a month and the final arrangement was signed off by the Aspen County District Attorney, the lead Prosecutor, Sherriff and Under-Sheriff. Under this agreement, Charlie would do 30 days in clink with work release 12 hours a day; in other words, 12 hours in and 12 hours out. Charlie already had a work gig set up which was to be an acting coach for the Aspen Theatre. However, at the final moment, Dep Bev Campbell, Pitkin County’s Jail Administrative Officer said no. She wanted to change his deal completely saying she could not ‘enforce’ this arrangement. First she called his work release ‘Useful Public Service’ and would change his release times to 10am to 4pm. And, to just fuck it all up, she said Charlie could not smoke at his Useful Public Service.

          There is so much WTF here I think it would serve you, the reader, better if I just bulleted them:

          -Yo Beverly, way to insinuate yourself into a plea deal where every boss of yours minus the fucking Governor already signed off.

          -‘Useful Public Service’? Useful? Have you watched Charlie act? You do understand the Theater is actually putting on plays and not re-doing Hot Shots Part Duex?

          -You say you can’t enforce the deal as written but you think you can enforce that Charlie not smoke at the theater? You must be my Mom or something. Seriously? I use to smoke inside the house, next to a window and no one ever caught me. You think you’re going to catch Charlie?

          Now I am vehemently opposed to domestic violence of any kind and Sheen has a long history of being a dick (please note that I called him evil on Wednesday). However, the judicial system is all about working out pleas and other arrangements. Sometimes they are in the best interest of all involved and sometimes not. In this case, he was going to do some time. Unlike the DUI convicts in LA who go through the revolving door while getting ‘processed’ and are out before they miss their reservations at the Ivy, Charlie was going to actually be locked up for a few days. The system is not perfect but we are not at the same level of a gulag or Turkish prison.

          However, Bev Campbell is the worst thing that can happen to our already strained and limp system. She is the fly in the ointment and if I didn’t know any better, she is probably either lining up a big payday through interviews or is running for Sherriff. They made a deal bitch and your job is to carry it through. Consider yourself the sous chef. The order has been placed and it is none of your fucking business what the customer wants. Just cook it. Your job is to keep the inmates inside and manage the work release. No one wants to talk about this anymore so let him in your inconsequential prison and let him do his time. Most importantly, there are people in Aspen County dying to see Charlie Sheen do the Vagina Monologues while chain smoking.