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And the Oscar for best public vomiting goes to...

Mar 112009

OK, this is just sad. No joke.

If you haven’t noticed by now, this week we have been talking about addiction. Now this subject is so rich that we could literally write about it everyday for years and not repeat ourselves. One of the best Petri dishes in the in vivo experiment we call life for addictions are celebrities. Apparently, when you mix artistry with sycophants and self-entitlement, you win a one way ticket to rehab. This week’s Celebrity Smackdown is those individuals who take their addictions as part of being in the limelight. The same assholes who cash their fat check, sign autographs and sell memorabilia and insist they are not role models.

At any given time we have one of these people in rehab. As an addiction professional, the last person I would like to work with is a celebrity. What would be your aftercare plan with these people? Who the hell can they hang out with? In the last year we have seen all sorts of admissions into rehab from sex addicts to alcoholics to drug addicts. At this very moment, there are countless celebs in rehab. It has become the metaphorical eraser to questionable life choices. You have rehabs with revolving doors like Promises in Malibu, California. It has been reported, and categorically denied, that they actually allowed their celebrity clients shopping time less then a week in treatment. I worked rehabs and they weren’t the pretty ones with an on-call masseuse. This was not a place you were happy to be in or would confuse with a hotel. I wonder how many of these celebs are actually addicted or just need a good reality check/ass kicking to take some responsibility for their behavior.

Then you have the real addicts who would smoke their own socks if they could. People like Lindsay Lohan who, on a daily basis, makes me sad we focused on her for the first Celebrity Smackdown. These are the ones that would benefit from a several months in a facility run by people who know how to cut a bitch and don’t care that her life was so tough. Seriously Lindsay, was ‘The Parent Trap’ that mind blowing that you can’t get over it? Yeah I know, you were your own twin and one of you had an accent. Ooh! Another great example is Amy Winehouse who I would spank if I weren’t afraid I would catch some sort of disease from her. When are these people going to understand, addiction isn’t about the substance. You take the coke away and they will obsess about something or someone else.

As I write this, Charles Barkley is doing three days in Arizona’s famous tent city. Why is it famous? It’s a no-nonsense correctional facility, created by Sheriff Arpaio, where the inmates sleep in cots under thick tents and eat for less than .90 cents a day. They wear pink underwear and striped convict jumpers to remind them where they are. How did Barkley end up there? This is the same place DMX is and that guy had a laundry list of felonies including drugs, identity theft and shooting up his house! Mr. Barkley loves telling people, ‘I’m not a role model,’ and yet he boasts about his career and his abilities. If you don’t want people to look up to you, Chuck, be mediocre and don’t call attention to yourself. First, he was driving under the influence at twice the legal limit. Perhaps he would accept role model status for the lengths he will go to for a good blow job? This is how he was arrested; drunk driving to the Queen of Oral. He actually told the arresting officers multiple times as if the officers would have said, ‘Oh, that’s fine. You can endanger lives for a tonsil painting appointment.’

Hey, we’re not prudes and we have been known to have a drink every now and then. I have also been known to drive a little faster if I knew that we would partake in some calisthenics when we got home. For us, it comes down to being responsible. Take care of yourself and don’t endanger others. And for the adoring public, be a little harder on your celebs. Don’t accept a few weeks at a spa as rehabilitation! Let’s see more 90 meetings in 90 days! Hold them accountable! We are paying for our entertainment and the price of admission shouldn’t be watching them get arrested and vomiting on a cops shoes.

Chris Brown is a punk ass bitch.

Celebrity Smackdown

Feb 182009

I'm going to beat you like you owe me money

In my previous incarnation, I was a psychotherapist who worked with all sorts of populations. I worked with domestic violence for 6 years. Not the victims, the perpetrators. I would sit in a group room with 12-15 guys and talk about how they beat up their significant other. I was professional, compassionate and, when needed, I was a fearless female Chuck Norris. I learned so much during that time and the following is a result of this.

Celebrities are no different than us. They have all the same faults and foibles regular people have. I harbor no illusions that they are not allowed these problems. However, when a celebrity is a punk ass bitch like Chris Brown who, at the tender age of 19, is already facing domestic violence charges then my hackles go up and I yell FOUL! Here is a kid who has enjoyed success and has been considered a hell of a role model for kids. Now he has entered the O.J. Simpson Ring of Hell where he will remain forever more.

This boy has claimed that he witnessed his mother being abused for 6 years of his life. He stated that he saw his mother being beaten, threatened and generally terrorized from the age of 7 to 13. Because of this, he felt that he has treated women differently. By differently he meant that he learned more effective ways of bashing in a face and dodging responsibility.

The beating took place in Los Angles which is famous for its police officers being bad asses. The police called Rihanna’s injuries “horrific”. Now, I don’t know about you but my experience with L.A. police is that they don’t tend to get all colorful when describing things. These are people who witness death and injury almost every day on the job. This is Los Angeles, folks – not Mayberry. I grew up in the mean streets of that town (O.K., not true. I grew up in Torrance which is in L.A. County and we saw the news.) and these guys see horrific and majorly fucked up scenes on a daily basis.

Some of the saddest part of this is the reaction from other celebrities and general public. People, listen to me now – Rihanna was not asking for it, pushing him to do it and this isn’t just a private matter. Any of you who have this opinion are deluded and probably victims or witnesses of domestic violence yourselves. I am a loud mouth bitch and I can tell you I have never hoped my words would get the snot punched out of me. Anyone who resorts to violence is little-minded and usually has a sense of entitlement that supersedes societies accepted behavioral norms. These people need serious intervention and your mom and pastor aren’t gonna cut it, Chris! You need a no-shit therapist who will do some therapy with you and metaphorically kick the ever living, self-entitled shit out of you! For fuck sake you beat her down, bloodied her nose, left 2 contusions on her forehead and bit her!!

Yesterday, Chris Brown finally issued a statement. I will not call it an apology because he is only stating that he is sorry for what “transpired” and making sure that we know that all the stories out there are wrong. Listen Chris, I realize you are really a little boy playing big man in the big bad world but let me clue you into some things. Boys shouldn’t be hitting girls (and girls should not be hitting boys). No one can provoke you unless you want them to. Hitting someone does not make you a stud. It ultimately makes you inmate #3478. Anyone who defends you is not supporting you. Hell, I doubt that they will come to see you on visiting day.

Be a man, Chris, and take some responsibility before the LAPD force feeds it to you.

Sticky and sweet or dry and sour

Celebrity Smackdown

Feb 112009

Check out the arms on that guy

People who know us are well aware that we have never liked the target of our Celebrity Smackdown. Honestly writing about this bitch is a little too easy; kind of like shooting whores in a barrel. This is the queen of shock and has created a career out of reinvention. If left to her own talent, she would be singing back up in Laughlin for Jessica Simpson. This lady has exchanged talent for nudity and people lap it up. Of course we are talking about Madonna and we will shower after this post.

We won’t talk about her music since it’s horrible and we wouldn’t be able to identify her songs anyway until the blood trickled out of our ears. There is no point in mentioning her movies since we like to be humorous and her acting causes more pain than a kidney stone. We could mention her Kabbalah devotion but, like everything she does, who the hell could take any of that seriously. So what’s left?

She recently divorced Guy Richie under the speculation that she was already seeing Alex Rodriguez. Now A-Rod is a Miami boy who was married and had two little girls. It seems kind of ridiculous that the celebrity mouthpiece of Kaballah would purposefully begin a relationship with a much younger married man since her religion does tout the belief of karma, which is the purpose of the red string “what comes around goes around”. Our perspective is this, shame on you A-Rod! This woman is old enough to be your Mom (albeit a very young teenage mother) and is more ripped than you when you were juicing and breaking records. She has wandered from sex icon to perverse fetish.

The bottom line is she has kids. In the old days without all the access to information, celebrity kids could be shielded from the adventures of their parents. Sure there could be rumors of perversion and drug use but the kids, unless they were witnessing it, were pretty much out of the loop. These days, kids see everything. Whether it’s on TV or on the net, Madonna’s kids will know all of Mom’s exploits. So Miss Transformation, who a few years ago was the model mommy writing shitty kids books, what are you teaching your daughter and two sons?

We’ll tell you what you’re teaching them. You’re teaching them that boundaries and commitments only last until they don’t suit your needs. You needed publicity so you dumped your husband and started fucking around with a baseball player. Now that he seems too staid for you, you’re splacking a 22 year old Brazilian model. That guy is ten years older than your daughter?! Your daughter will learn that she will never be enough and one does not need talent but sex to stay relevant in this world. Your sons will see women as objects. Period. Sexuality is just another accessory in your bag of tricks. What’s missing from that bag is any talent that would merit you any of your success. So the difference between what you do and prostitution is…?