It’s a Dysaffirmation week and we are enjoying the sideways glances from all. Yes, we know your dirty little secret. Our Dysaffirmations are funny but some are so true. When people bitch and moan about the truth, we simply point to what people believe. If you repeat it enough times, it becomes true. If your parents or other significant life figure tells you enough times, it becomes true. Just ask Mel Gibson.

This week’s Celebrity Smackdown is Mel Gibson. However, before I delve into the rant, I need to point out possible conflicts of interest. I am a girl. Back in the 80’s, Mel was one of the most doable men in the world. I remember Mad Max and Lethal Weapon movies and still get all tingly thinking of him. Sadly, instead of retiring to my ‘Men I Would Have Done’ list with entries like Sean Connery, he has become such an incredible asshole that well placed duct tape would not fix the situation.

          Mel is a Traditional Catholic who believes in pre-Vatican Catholicism. He likes his masses said in Latin with the priests back to him. No woman except for nuns in his church and that includes Eucharistic Ministers and servers. But all people are entitled to their beliefs. You don’t see us going after fruit cake religions like Scientology do you? (Oh shit, now we’re on their radar)

          The part that drives me nuts and plays so well into our theme for the week is the rhetoric that Mel believes. If you are part of the Catholic Church, and only if you are part of it, you will go to heaven. Mel acknowledges that there are some really good people out there but without believing the tenants of the church and being a member, no wings and no harps for you. Mel even went so far to say at one point that his wife was a better person than he was but as an Episcopalian…well shucks, too bad. He even built his own church!

          Then there’s the anti-Semitic stuff….and now the ranting.

          Listen Mel (or should I call you Sugar Tits?), God doesn’t like anti-Semitic, misogynistic, homophobic assholes. Hello? His son was a Jew! And let’s face it, it’s a tad bit inflammatory to say that Jews have started all the wars of the world. I wasn’t even aware of Jews in Vietnam or Korea, but you learn something everyday. I never watch ‘The Passion of the Christ’ because I don’t focus on the death but the resurrection. Call me silly but I figure anyone can die on a cross and it takes a sick fuck to make one of the most significant religious events to a lot of people and make it a snuff film.

          Now we find Saint Mel, that you are boinking a Russian Singer/Composer with a penchant for fucking men who can help her! Did someone say whore?  After being married for almost 30 years, 7 kids and 2 grandchildren, you are getting divorced and shacking up with a social climber. What would the Church say about that? Since you own yours, I assume you will ask for an annulment. I am pretty positive that you can say you weren’t in your right mind because you have enough evidence to that. Drunken tirades, freaky eyes and lots of money go a long way to being granted annulments. And I am positive that if you repeat it to yourself enough times, you can convince yourself that your life, words and way of being are in keeping with the tenants and words of Jesus Himself. Here’s a Dysaffirmation just for you Mel- ‘Heaven is for people who can pay for their way in.’ Just repeat it few hundred times and it will stick. But you had better die soon because your ex is about to take half of everything. I wonder what she’ll do with her half of the church.