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Jan 132011
Here we are at Thursday, the day that we write about couple’s relationship on a week that we are writing about stupid reasons to break up. We have come so far together. You have read Monday through Wednesday and now you are at Thursday and… nevermind.
Paul says: When it comes to bad reasons to break up, relationship ennui is, for me, the worst. To say that ‘we grew apart’ is the equivalent of a shrug and a ‘meh’.
My daughter has spent much of her adolescent years being passionately noncommittal. If asked what type of food she wants for dinner, she will shrug apathetically and mumble something like ‘whatever’. But say that we are having a food that she does not like, from her ever new and revolving foods of despair, and she can be very ardent about how she hates that food. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.
The ‘we grew apart’ scenario is an adolescent and irresponsible way of ducking the real issues. Like the continental drift, it just happened with the people simply and innocently riding along. Well, I call bullshit. When my daughter, with full adolescent angst, shrugs and says, ‘whatever’, what she is doing is deflecting any responsibility. She won’t commit to a food in case it does not work out the way she hoped. She has given up thinking about it, instead feeling that it is just easier to let the topic go and ride out the consequences. The next meal will be better. The next spouse will be better. Let’s not spend too much thought on it.
I tend to take a pragmatic stance on the issue of growing apart. If you can grow apart then you can grow back together. It works for trees. Grab a couple of tree trunks and push. That’s it. Not a lot of science on this one. Push long enough and the trees grow together. So the obvious question is whether or not you really want to apply to force necessary to grow together.
When I hear someone say that he or she have grown apart from their significant other, I translate this into ‘I no longer care enough to do anything about it’. Now, this I can respect.
I don’t care.
I don’t want to.
I am done.
These are action statements. These are statements from a position of responsibility. The world did not shift under you without your knowledge or consent. You did not wake up one day next to a stranger, no matter how well the drama plays in the movies. People do change. I truly believe this. But they do not change overnight, unless there are space aliens or tumors involved.
We grew apart because we did not try to grow together. One of the reasons that Lee and I really push the Marriage as Corporation thing is that it forces the couple to ask the question, ‘where are we going next?’ This is a question that needs to be asked often, through the eyes of hope.
OK, I can ease off a little. The thing is that this particular stupid reason to break up really frustrates me. It is like buying a puppy and forgetting to feed it. It does not need any special food. You do not need to be grinding your own lamb and blending it with rice. Just a little easy mindful nurturing and you will have a big ass dog and a long loving relationship.
Lee says: Ah, this is why you are constantly holding on to me like a koala.
Is anybody else noticing what’s going on in celebrityland? Was there some sort of cosmic last call for the rich and famous that we didn’t hear or a ‘do-si-do and switch partners’? It seems you can’t turn on the TV, check out of the grocery store or check out the news on-line without hearing about another breakup.
Lee says: I know it’s hard. I promise I can get you through this with as little stress as possible. Please use this as a guide to see who is still together or who has moved on to greener pastures or bigger titties.
Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift: Yeah, they broke up. Even though I can hardly see my boyfriend, I mean Jake with Taylor. Taylor is a very nice girl and all, but my Jake is smoking HOT and she is, well, nice. He needs a woman who can tame his hotness. Perhaps, an older woman with some meat on her bones? The reason given for the break up? Jake couldn’t handle the attention they were getting. Jakey, I love you, baby. But, if you have a hard time dealing with paparazzi, don’t date one of the hottest musical acts in the world. There were 5 million pictures taken of you guys buying coffee in some hick town. You would have probably gotten less press if you would have blown one of the Hanson brothers in Time Square.
Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson: Divorcing. The reason given for the break up? Too much time apart. Wow. Seriously? Do people actually think they can maintain a relationship with the occasional weekend or a little naked Skyping? The real reason lies in the obvious. Physics clearly states that two luminous stars, that are so ultra sexy, cannot inhabit the same space. Can you imagine the sheer force of their sexiness when they were united? Or it could be that they never saw each other and invested more time going to Starbucks and the gym than actually being intimate with each other. Sad.
John Mellancamp and Elaine Irwin: Divorcing. Apparently she was some sort of model lady and he was this former cougar guy who now has tall hair and they are very proud of their 20 years together but apparently the warranty is up and it’s time to move on. Good game, everybody. Thanks for coming. The reason given for the break up? None. It was just ‘We are proud of our 20 years and stuff…bye!’ They had two kids who are now teenagers. What about them? Personally I think I would have had a hard time being married to a short guy who dances kind of weird and was formerly a forest creature. Just saying.
Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens: Break up. These two were together since High School Musical and now have supposedly gone their separate ways. He seems so pure and she seems so slutty. Perhaps that was the attraction. I know it worked for my relationship! Anyways, he is so damn cute and he probably should move on and find a girl who doesn’t look like she’s only a bad movie away from pole dancing. The reason given for the break up? None. My guess it was the pole dancing thing.
Mila Kunis and Macauley Kulkin: Break up. These two have been together since 2002. She was still a teenager when they started dating. The reason given for the break up? They grew apart professionally. In other words, he was going nowhere and she is nominated for a Golden Globe. It must be tough staying Home, Alone while your woman goes out and makes amazing films and voice over work on the best animated show (Family Guy). I must be tough for her to come home to your man who has jury-rigged another paint can to swing down and hit you or put all his match-box cars on the floor so you can trip. They broke up because he was eating pop-tarts and watching Maury Povich everyday and she was hustling to make a name for herself. End of story.
I hope this helps. Friday, I will hone my professional eye on the nominees of the Golden Globes. Last year I was batting around 350. Not bad for baseball but huge suckage for awards predictions.
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