Celebrities and relationships are a curious match. On the one hand, you have the perpetual playboys who would rather gnaw off their arm than commit to a relationship. On the other hand, you have those who have time-shares in Vegas Chapels and commit like its last call. Celebrity relationships are such a warped representation of coupling and when those pairs implode, which they overwhelmingly do, we are left to watch them prowl as they pick up the pieces and start over. Today’s Celebrity Smackdown is all about Celebs starting over but, stand back, this will get messy.
Lee says: I understand that relationships can be difficult and nearly impossible when you are living under the scrutiny of the limelight. I understand it on a cognitive level. I can also empathize with the pressure celebrities must feel having their privacy violated on a consistent basis by fans or paparazzi or law enforcement. But, let me get one thing perfectly clear, just because you live under the microscope of the media does not mean you have to behave like an infection. I mean, jeesh, is it that lonely out there that celebs have to be hooking up and breaking up every few minutes?
Celebs fall into two categories when it comes to starting over. The first category is the ‘If at first you don’t succeed’ crowd. You can identify these easily by the amount of wedding rings they own and how many last names they have. These are the folks who get married at the first sign of stomach flutter. Instead of ‘I like you’ they jump into ‘I do!’ Starting over for them is picking out new china patterns while registering again at Macy’s. The average celeb usually is married a few times before death. Of course, honorable mention is given to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Elizabeth Taylor, both knock outs when they were younger, who have 17 marriages with 15 men between them. They are not alone in the philosophy of mending a broken heart with wedding cake and a honeymoon.
The second category of celeb is the ‘breaks are for suckers’ group. You know the kind of celeb who is photographed walking on a beach one day with their spouse and the next he is seen in a photo spread playing house with another woman. These guys have issues Brad Pitt. These guys don’t even let the sheets get cold next to them. These men have such an issue with being alone that they will fill their lives and surround themselves with people or children. Sound familiar? Look, I have no issues with love and I know it is a magical thing. But, it just doesn’t happen if you aren’t open to it! You can’t inadvertently ‘fall in love’ with someone if you aren’t inviting that person over for some vulnerability and intimacy. So don’t pull that crap of ‘The heart wants what it wants’ with me, Brad! The heart understands commitment but a roving eye understands the new conquest.
Have you wondered why you feel that starting over is so difficult? It’s the media! Think about it. What are the images you have of starting over? Is it Carol and Mike Brady uniting their perfectly matched families and creating a whacky bunch of love and togetherness? Or is it Dick Van Patton and his mormonesque brood of eight getting remarried. Let’s face it, according to TV, starting over involves way too many kids! I would consider a life of a celibate ascetic who is forced to rip out my own hair before I had to unite my three kids with some guys three kids and then try to be a romantic couple while these said children ran around boundary-less in the neighborhood. Come on Brady’s, you never noticed that the kids were making fringed outfits for a talent show? I just can’t be that mom or wife.
All I ask is for a little discretion. All I ask is for celebrities to see that they are seen as role models (I have no idea why, people, they just are). The 40 something year old person is coming back into the dating world and you guys are making it look like a buffet. It’s not. It’s slim pickings out their if you are looking for a healthy guy or girl. It’s not like the celebrities are doing anything like therapy between marriages or hook-ups, unless we count rehab. A makeover is not what is needed between relationships. Changing your hair color will not fix your unhealthy behaviors or thought patterns that stem from your childhood issues.
Life does not work with a story arc all the time. You don’t meet Mr. Perfect in the first act, fall in love in the second, lose him in the third and find Mr. More Perfect in the final act. There is so much more to it. Where is the act where you get your shit together or spend some time alone, Brad? When do you check your very Brady life and decide that being cool and having hideous facial hair is not enough and a little psychotherapy is in order. If not for your fear of being alone, how about you see a therapist to discuss the ode to ZZ Top thing you have on your chin. I’m not picking on you; I just think more Joe Black and less Tyler Durden. Yes, Tyler was sexy and ripped but Joe had that innocence and was committed. Either way, no facial hair! I guess this is the message of this post, Brad. Trim it or Shave it. Oh yeah, and something about starting over.
Live Oscar Commentary
We want to thank Mari from J-Bug Jewelry for her funnyand insightful comments. You can purchase your Loki the Chihuahua necklaces from J-Bug. OK, not really but she does have a chihuahua.
Thanks for reading. You are the best. Now back to our normal relationship rants.
11:52- Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire. The Dog takes it again. JayaJaya Slumdog. All of India is on the stage.
11:46- Equal rights now, for everyone.
11:45- Mickey Rourke is going to go home and cry in the fetal position clutching his chihuahua’s tuxedo.
11:42- Lee is focusing on Pattinson and Fey, not Rourke. Ok, Best Actor is…Sean Penn. No shit!? Yea, not Mickey Rourke. Maybe he’ll go away now.
11:33- Best Actress: The Oscar goes to Kate Winslet. Apparently, Lee has changed her mind and now wants Kate to win.
11:19- Reese Witherspoon looks like poop. Best Director is …Danny Boyle. Go Slumdog. Howlllll.
11:11- Hanky time. (BTW, Jenny Craig has done a good job on the Queen) This is the part where Paul says, That persons dead?
11:06- Best Foreign Film- Paul is taking a break. Paul, being monolingual, feels inadequate to comment. Sure he knows enough spanish to defend himself but that’s pretty much it. Oooh- Japan won- Departures.
10:56- Best Original Song: Jai Ho (Cool song. We love the Bollywood s**t.)
10:55- Original Score: And the winner is…Slumdog. Woof. Woof.
10:52- Musical scores and Paul’s half asleep.
10:42- Eddie “I won’t see my bastard child” Murphy presenting a tribute award to Jerry Lewis. Do you think Jerry will do a prat fall? Is he mugging or is he having a stroke?
10:37- Here comes a tribute Jerry Lewis. Paul asks, Is he dead? Lee just laughs at him.
10:35- Best Film Editing: More Slumdog. Aummmmmm. Shanti. Back to not caring.
10:33- OK, he said aum. We’re good with him.
10:31- Sound Mixing: Slumdog. I’m sad. (Go Full Sail! Gary, you were robbed)
10:30- He said Gary Rizzo. Go Full Sail!
10:29- Outstanding Sound Editing: Dark Knight. Don’t care.
10:26- Outstanding Visual Effects (Finally Paul has something to watch). The award goes to Benjamin Button. Do the math. 13 nominations and only a few awards just don’t cut it.
10:17- Best Short Subject documentary: Smile Pinki. Cute name. Who’s Pinki?
10:11- Just saw the Documentary film makers. These ones are real artists, whereas Michael Moore is a hack. Oscar goes to Man on Wire. We didn’t predict anything on this one.
10:09- Very sad. Everybody is crying. I hope there is a cartoon next.
10:02- Best Supporting Actor- Klein, Gooding, Walken, Grey, Arkin- Nice mix- WTF is up with Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s hat? The winner is … Heath Ledger. We called it. God is happy. Rest in peace.
9:59- Sorry everybody. We had to drive home. We are live again. Kids were getting cranky (so was Paul).
9:32- Ben Stiller and Natalie Portman- very funny Ben. Joaquin Phoenix-we don’t think its that funny that you are playing a whacked out druggy trying to be a musician (like your Brother). Cinematography- SLUMDOG
9:25- Robert Pattinson and the chick from Mamma Mia- He’s hot talking about love.
9:23- Make-up- I could have done the psycho make up on the Joker. Winner is—-Benjamin Button. O.K.. Nothing more.
9:20- Costumes- still don’t care. Winner is- The Duchess. Told you.
9:16- Sara Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig (rahhhhr)- Art Direction- Benjamin Button won something. Enjoy-it will be a sad night for you.
9:08- Animated short film- yep they cut to Pitt and Jolie.- The winner is- La Maison en Petits Cubes- wah? Only thing I got was the Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto.
9:03-Aniston and Black- pan to Jolie- Best Animation- Wall-EEEEEEEEEEEE . Yes we called this one. We are so excited for this honor….
9:01- Adapted Screenplay- SLUMDOG !!!!!!!!!!!! Button will be closed out.
8:58- Equal Rights Now FOR ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
8:55- Original Screenplay- we didn’t predict this so don’t care. But Tina and Steve…. Wall-E- loved it. My sister didn’t understand why I found it depressing. She saw it on a plane and slept through the first 15 minutes. MILK winS!!!
8:52- Steve martin and Tina Fey- they should make babies. Very funny babies.
8:48 -Best Supporting Actress- First they have to bring out the old winners. Tilda Swinton scares us. Nominees-Viola Davis, Penelope Cruz, Amy Adams, Taraji P. Henson, Marisa Tomei. The Winner Is—Penelope Cruz!!!! Viva Espana!! Habla en espanol nina que no se te entiende nada!
8:40- 15 career nominations – Meryl Streep on steroids. Funny.
8:32- Holy shit-opening number. Craig’s List dancers. Anne Hathaway-she rocks. Billy Crystal could never have done that with Anne. He can dance. I love this man. I’m Wolverine!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love it.
8:31- Hugh Jackman is one sexy biatch!
8:30-81st Annual Academy Awards!!!!! Fina-fucking-ly!
8:25-When we lived in Los Angeles, Oscar parties were common. Miami-not so much. Next year, we will totally have a party!
8:21- Meryl Streep coming with her daughter shows what a classy woman she is. Or she ran out of people to come with.
8:12- Mickey Rourke on HD – Bad idea.
8:10- Tim Gunn is a gaycon. (Gay Icon) He is a cliche of his homosexual self.
8:07- Do Pitt and Jolie think that they are better than everyone else? They don’t speak to anybody.
8:05- We switched to ABC. Paul poured a stiff drink.
8:00:17- Paul just found out that it starts at 8:30. Not another thirty minutes of weird clothes and weirder people (Mickey Rourke)
8:00- Paul says: Thank God, it’s finally starting.
7:58- Robert Downey Jr. had work done. He had his lush removed.
7:48- What are the qualifications for being a fashion commentator? Young and queer? Jay Manuel is still probably wearing UnderRoos.
7:46- Jolie’s body says ‘I’m ready for a smack down’. Or maybe she is ashamed because she is a husband stealer.
7:44- Kate Winslet is like a regular girl. You can walk up to her and say, ‘What up, home slice? Let’s go have a big mac.,” but with a British accent.
7:43- Why is Philip Seymour Hoffman wearing an oversize yamulka?
7:39- Just saw Pitt and Jolie. Paul wants Aniston to show up and some mud.
7:37- Evan Rachel Wood- “It’s been such a long, hard, road.” You are a fucking child. Talk to me in 20 years.
7:35- Paul likes Ron Howard. Peter Gabriel is more his speed.
7:33-Paul says- I’m not a woman or gay. Start the fucking show.
7:32- Jessica Beil looks like she’s bitching out someone on the phone. Maybe she is pissed off at her hair dresser.
7:30- For an aggressive ass, Josh Brolin looks good.
7:28- Oh Mickey you’re so fine- you’re so fine I’m going blind. Loki around her neck. Rourke has a serious attachment issue with the doggy. We love doggies but a necklace?
7:26-Marisa Tomei looks stoned. Did Mickey Rourke rub off on her?
7:25- Why do gay guys tell women how to dress? Reading Perez Hilton’s Blog now and WTF? Heidi killed it?
7:21- Anne Hathaway is majestic. Who’s the old guy with her? Did someone do a background check?
7:17- Lee says: Paul, jealousy is an ugly thing. Paul says: Sorry but he looks freaky like something from Lord of the Rings.
7:16- SCREAMMMMMMMM! R. Pattinson- is he really made of marble?
7:14- Amy Adams- love her! She seems almost virginal. Virgins scare us!
7:11- What’s with the homo fashion review with Sunday Night Football feel.
7:03- Mari thinks that some guy took a bolt of fabric from Joann’s Fabric and wrapped it around Heidi Klum.
7:02- Henson wants to be organic so she didn’t prepare a speech. I could have picked a different word.
7:00- Heidi Klum- what’s with the elven ears and accessory explosion. Yuck!
6:58- Viola Davis- nice dress. Saw her today in Madea Goes to Prison. She was great!
6:55- Having a Twilight moment. Robert Pattinson needs a brush.
6:54- John Legend is so cool but dude needs to see a dentist. Lay off the dubage!
6:52- Dev Patel is cute and humble.
6:50- Henson looks beautiful. It looks like a wedding dress, but nice.
6:49- She’s wearing chartreuse! Ewwwwwwwwwww
6:48- Apparently India is empty. Were they all in the film. Mari is having a strong craving for a slurpie.
6:40- They just showed Guydonna. Yuck.
6:36pm- Kevin Klein has no idea why he is at the Oscars. He thought he was going to Denny’s.
6:31pm- Does Zac Efron not have enough money for a fucking comb? Part your with a straight line hair dude.
6:30pm- We are having technical difficulties. Nickolodean just took over the fucking TV.
6:28pm-Anthony Hopkins is hot.
6:24pm- We are wondering if there is some sort of rehab for Miley obsession. My little brother is kind of upset that we have vowed to use Cyrus’ face to vacuum the red carpet, “cause she sucks!” It’s sad when a grown man cries.
6:22pm- Oh my God! Mamma Mia guy! (Paul had no clue.) Mari and I are so excited. British guys—hmmmmm.
6:19pm- If you ever thought Paul was cool. He just said “Wolverine’s the host. I could give a shit before but now this is great.”
6:09pm- Miley Cyrus admits to star stalking. And to being a hick.
6:05pm- Mari is still upset about the Best Actor pictures. She thought she saw Heath ledger as the Joker. Nope, it was Mickey Rourke.
6:04pm- We hope Aniston goes Madea on Jolie’s ass.
6:03pm- Mari is pledging to beat a bitch down while watching Miley Cyrus
6:02pm- Hey Rancic, nice ponytail!
6:00pm- We are finally starting. We are blogging a secret location. Apparently every member of Lee’s family knew where it was. Ryan is starting to talk. OH MY GOD!! Live from the Red Carpet 81st Annual Academy Awards! E Channel!
It’s 5:44 in Miami. The sun is setting and the excitement is building. The superstars of Miami are pouring themselves some drinks and getting ready for the red carpet event.
Tonight, we will be joined by our special guest blogger. She is a fashion maven, jewelry designer, and, since she was raised by wolves, she can detect dysfunction from a mile away. Say hello to Marylin Reyes from J-Bug Jewelry.
Will start in ten minutes. If you are with us live, please refresh often.