It’s back to Smacking Down Celebrities today! It’s Wednesday and usually on hump day, a person needs to vent out all the frustrations that we have accumulated over the past couple of days just to make it to another weekend. This week we are discussing pregnancy and if there is one thing celebrities have been doing like its last call in a fertility bar is getting pregnant and having babies. We are not ‘hating on’ people for having babies but what you do with them is a matter where they will get the stink eye every now and then. We don’t have any illusions that we are the perfect parents. However, some things should be painfully obvious to people even through the dark sunglasses and the flash of paparazzi cameras.
Lee says: This week is kind of a wash for Paul since not once in our marriage has he volunteered to be pregnant or give birth. Other than that, he is the best Dad. Being pregnant is amazing. I suppose in the old days, celebrities went into hiding and you never saw them while they became swollen or their noses expanded (happily, this never happened to me). In today’s world, people start speculating about a woman’s state if she shows even the slightest pooch. I mean, hello people, you think celebrities don’t have water retention? Or maybe even a little gas or all you can eat Chinese Buffet?
I think what bothers me the most is the new Hollywood mom who insists on showing us that they are good Moms. ‘Ooh look at me take my baby Mousaka to the store to buy organic apples and to the craft store so we can weave our own hair extensions’. Like the rail thin models out there, the true mother is lost in this new image of motherhood. These bitches who lose their pregnancy weight just a month after giving birth and extol breast feeding as the silver bullet to baby fat. Meanwhile, you know they had a C-section, lipo and tummy tuck all in one and they have fake titties anyway which would make it difficult to breast feed in the first place. But still we gnash our teeth and think, ‘If those vapid bitches can do it, so can I’. But we can’t because we don’t have the nannies or the trainers or the private nutritionist or the chef or the house keepers or the funds to do all that.
Then we have the adoption craze. O.K., here’s a question that has been asked before but I’m still waiting for the answer: did we run out of babies to adopt in this country?
And of course, the worst culprit of all of this is Angelina Jolie. Look, between you and me I like her. I think she is beautiful and sexy. Paul is still put off by the whole Billy Bob blood vial thing and kissing her own brother. However, she seems like a different person who cares about children. That being said, I think we need to question the sanity or even the appropriateness of a couple having so many kids that they can’t even seem to juggle them all. For example, how often are the Pitt-Jolie’s seen all together? The scene is usually a minimum of one parent to a maximum of two kids. This formation is rotated within the cast of the Pitt-Jolies. One day you see Brad out with Maddox or Angelina out with Shiloh and Sahara. Or that really cute pic of both adults with the twins, but, that’s it.
What happened to Pax? I’m just saying isn’t there enough Cheetos and junk food that all of them can eat? Wouldn’t little Pax enjoy getting a set of throwing knives like Maddox received? I think as parents of more than one child, you try to balance stuff with the kids so there is no obvious preference. At different ages, you need to come up with equivalences. Maybe knives for Maddox and a ferret for Pax? Or in our case, Chuck E Cheese for the 2 year old and a case of scotch for the 16 year old?
I don’t have all the Mommy answers. I do believe there is a biological order to having too many kids. The risk of losing your entire girly section and your ass falling out is a real risk. Look it up. I can’t make that shit up. I just feel as Mom’s we need to support one another and not make the other ones feel bad. I think we can all be honest about the pregnancy make-overs and the post pregnancy weight loss. We can balance out the need to shower our kids with gifts or extra-curricular activities with some good old quality time just goofing off at home. I think we all need to be honest with each other. So ease off bragging about the organic food and the craft projects with your kids and I won’t brag about my two year old doing math.
The celebrity paparazzi have really screwed up the common person’s belief about healthy breakup. They have convinced us that a conversation is a relationship, a date is commitment, and an appearance at an awards event is as good as a proposal. From there, it just spirals downhill. If they are not seen having that second cup of coffee together then obviously it is a horrendous breakup and everyone is devastated. Strike that. It is the woman that is crushed. The man is a philanderer because he had a latte instead of a cappuccino.
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Live Oscar Commentary
We want to thank Mari from J-Bug Jewelry for her funnyand insightful comments. You can purchase your Loki the Chihuahua necklaces from J-Bug. OK, not really but she does have a chihuahua.
Thanks for reading. You are the best. Now back to our normal relationship rants.
11:52- Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire. The Dog takes it again. JayaJaya Slumdog. All of India is on the stage.
11:46- Equal rights now, for everyone.
11:45- Mickey Rourke is going to go home and cry in the fetal position clutching his chihuahua’s tuxedo.
11:42- Lee is focusing on Pattinson and Fey, not Rourke. Ok, Best Actor is…Sean Penn. No shit!? Yea, not Mickey Rourke. Maybe he’ll go away now.
11:33- Best Actress: The Oscar goes to Kate Winslet. Apparently, Lee has changed her mind and now wants Kate to win.
11:19- Reese Witherspoon looks like poop. Best Director is …Danny Boyle. Go Slumdog. Howlllll.
11:11- Hanky time. (BTW, Jenny Craig has done a good job on the Queen) This is the part where Paul says, That persons dead?
11:06- Best Foreign Film- Paul is taking a break. Paul, being monolingual, feels inadequate to comment. Sure he knows enough spanish to defend himself but that’s pretty much it. Oooh- Japan won- Departures.
10:56- Best Original Song: Jai Ho (Cool song. We love the Bollywood s**t.)
10:55- Original Score: And the winner is…Slumdog. Woof. Woof.
10:52- Musical scores and Paul’s half asleep.
10:42- Eddie “I won’t see my bastard child” Murphy presenting a tribute award to Jerry Lewis. Do you think Jerry will do a prat fall? Is he mugging or is he having a stroke?
10:37- Here comes a tribute Jerry Lewis. Paul asks, Is he dead? Lee just laughs at him.
10:35- Best Film Editing: More Slumdog. Aummmmmm. Shanti. Back to not caring.
10:33- OK, he said aum. We’re good with him.
10:31- Sound Mixing: Slumdog. I’m sad. (Go Full Sail! Gary, you were robbed)
10:30- He said Gary Rizzo. Go Full Sail!
10:29- Outstanding Sound Editing: Dark Knight. Don’t care.
10:26- Outstanding Visual Effects (Finally Paul has something to watch). The award goes to Benjamin Button. Do the math. 13 nominations and only a few awards just don’t cut it.
10:17- Best Short Subject documentary: Smile Pinki. Cute name. Who’s Pinki?
10:11- Just saw the Documentary film makers. These ones are real artists, whereas Michael Moore is a hack. Oscar goes to Man on Wire. We didn’t predict anything on this one.
10:09- Very sad. Everybody is crying. I hope there is a cartoon next.
10:02- Best Supporting Actor- Klein, Gooding, Walken, Grey, Arkin- Nice mix- WTF is up with Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s hat? The winner is … Heath Ledger. We called it. God is happy. Rest in peace.
9:59- Sorry everybody. We had to drive home. We are live again. Kids were getting cranky (so was Paul).
9:32- Ben Stiller and Natalie Portman- very funny Ben. Joaquin Phoenix-we don’t think its that funny that you are playing a whacked out druggy trying to be a musician (like your Brother). Cinematography- SLUMDOG
9:25- Robert Pattinson and the chick from Mamma Mia- He’s hot talking about love.
9:23- Make-up- I could have done the psycho make up on the Joker. Winner is—-Benjamin Button. O.K.. Nothing more.
9:20- Costumes- still don’t care. Winner is- The Duchess. Told you.
9:16- Sara Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig (rahhhhr)- Art Direction- Benjamin Button won something. Enjoy-it will be a sad night for you.
9:08- Animated short film- yep they cut to Pitt and Jolie.- The winner is- La Maison en Petits Cubes- wah? Only thing I got was the Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto.
9:03-Aniston and Black- pan to Jolie- Best Animation- Wall-EEEEEEEEEEEE . Yes we called this one. We are so excited for this honor….
9:01- Adapted Screenplay- SLUMDOG !!!!!!!!!!!! Button will be closed out.
8:58- Equal Rights Now FOR ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
8:55- Original Screenplay- we didn’t predict this so don’t care. But Tina and Steve…. Wall-E- loved it. My sister didn’t understand why I found it depressing. She saw it on a plane and slept through the first 15 minutes. MILK winS!!!
8:52- Steve martin and Tina Fey- they should make babies. Very funny babies.
8:48 -Best Supporting Actress- First they have to bring out the old winners. Tilda Swinton scares us. Nominees-Viola Davis, Penelope Cruz, Amy Adams, Taraji P. Henson, Marisa Tomei. The Winner Is—Penelope Cruz!!!! Viva Espana!! Habla en espanol nina que no se te entiende nada!
8:40- 15 career nominations – Meryl Streep on steroids. Funny.
8:32- Holy shit-opening number. Craig’s List dancers. Anne Hathaway-she rocks. Billy Crystal could never have done that with Anne. He can dance. I love this man. I’m Wolverine!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love it.
8:31- Hugh Jackman is one sexy biatch!
8:30-81st Annual Academy Awards!!!!! Fina-fucking-ly!
8:25-When we lived in Los Angeles, Oscar parties were common. Miami-not so much. Next year, we will totally have a party!
8:21- Meryl Streep coming with her daughter shows what a classy woman she is. Or she ran out of people to come with.
8:12- Mickey Rourke on HD – Bad idea.
8:10- Tim Gunn is a gaycon. (Gay Icon) He is a cliche of his homosexual self.
8:07- Do Pitt and Jolie think that they are better than everyone else? They don’t speak to anybody.
8:05- We switched to ABC. Paul poured a stiff drink.
8:00:17- Paul just found out that it starts at 8:30. Not another thirty minutes of weird clothes and weirder people (Mickey Rourke)
8:00- Paul says: Thank God, it’s finally starting.
7:58- Robert Downey Jr. had work done. He had his lush removed.
7:48- What are the qualifications for being a fashion commentator? Young and queer? Jay Manuel is still probably wearing UnderRoos.
7:46- Jolie’s body says ‘I’m ready for a smack down’. Or maybe she is ashamed because she is a husband stealer.
7:44- Kate Winslet is like a regular girl. You can walk up to her and say, ‘What up, home slice? Let’s go have a big mac.,” but with a British accent.
7:43- Why is Philip Seymour Hoffman wearing an oversize yamulka?
7:39- Just saw Pitt and Jolie. Paul wants Aniston to show up and some mud.
7:37- Evan Rachel Wood- “It’s been such a long, hard, road.” You are a fucking child. Talk to me in 20 years.
7:35- Paul likes Ron Howard. Peter Gabriel is more his speed.
7:33-Paul says- I’m not a woman or gay. Start the fucking show.
7:32- Jessica Beil looks like she’s bitching out someone on the phone. Maybe she is pissed off at her hair dresser.
7:30- For an aggressive ass, Josh Brolin looks good.
7:28- Oh Mickey you’re so fine- you’re so fine I’m going blind. Loki around her neck. Rourke has a serious attachment issue with the doggy. We love doggies but a necklace?
7:26-Marisa Tomei looks stoned. Did Mickey Rourke rub off on her?
7:25- Why do gay guys tell women how to dress? Reading Perez Hilton’s Blog now and WTF? Heidi killed it?
7:21- Anne Hathaway is majestic. Who’s the old guy with her? Did someone do a background check?
7:17- Lee says: Paul, jealousy is an ugly thing. Paul says: Sorry but he looks freaky like something from Lord of the Rings.
7:16- SCREAMMMMMMMM! R. Pattinson- is he really made of marble?
7:14- Amy Adams- love her! She seems almost virginal. Virgins scare us!
7:11- What’s with the homo fashion review with Sunday Night Football feel.
7:03- Mari thinks that some guy took a bolt of fabric from Joann’s Fabric and wrapped it around Heidi Klum.
7:02- Henson wants to be organic so she didn’t prepare a speech. I could have picked a different word.
7:00- Heidi Klum- what’s with the elven ears and accessory explosion. Yuck!
6:58- Viola Davis- nice dress. Saw her today in Madea Goes to Prison. She was great!
6:55- Having a Twilight moment. Robert Pattinson needs a brush.
6:54- John Legend is so cool but dude needs to see a dentist. Lay off the dubage!
6:52- Dev Patel is cute and humble.
6:50- Henson looks beautiful. It looks like a wedding dress, but nice.
6:49- She’s wearing chartreuse! Ewwwwwwwwwww
6:48- Apparently India is empty. Were they all in the film. Mari is having a strong craving for a slurpie.
6:40- They just showed Guydonna. Yuck.
6:36pm- Kevin Klein has no idea why he is at the Oscars. He thought he was going to Denny’s.
6:31pm- Does Zac Efron not have enough money for a fucking comb? Part your with a straight line hair dude.
6:30pm- We are having technical difficulties. Nickolodean just took over the fucking TV.
6:28pm-Anthony Hopkins is hot.
6:24pm- We are wondering if there is some sort of rehab for Miley obsession. My little brother is kind of upset that we have vowed to use Cyrus’ face to vacuum the red carpet, “cause she sucks!” It’s sad when a grown man cries.
6:22pm- Oh my God! Mamma Mia guy! (Paul had no clue.) Mari and I are so excited. British guys—hmmmmm.
6:19pm- If you ever thought Paul was cool. He just said “Wolverine’s the host. I could give a shit before but now this is great.”
6:09pm- Miley Cyrus admits to star stalking. And to being a hick.
6:05pm- Mari is still upset about the Best Actor pictures. She thought she saw Heath ledger as the Joker. Nope, it was Mickey Rourke.
6:04pm- We hope Aniston goes Madea on Jolie’s ass.
6:03pm- Mari is pledging to beat a bitch down while watching Miley Cyrus
6:02pm- Hey Rancic, nice ponytail!
6:00pm- We are finally starting. We are blogging a secret location. Apparently every member of Lee’s family knew where it was. Ryan is starting to talk. OH MY GOD!! Live from the Red Carpet 81st Annual Academy Awards! E Channel!
It’s 5:44 in Miami. The sun is setting and the excitement is building. The superstars of Miami are pouring themselves some drinks and getting ready for the red carpet event.
Tonight, we will be joined by our special guest blogger. She is a fashion maven, jewelry designer, and, since she was raised by wolves, she can detect dysfunction from a mile away. Say hello to Marylin Reyes from J-Bug Jewelry.
Will start in ten minutes. If you are with us live, please refresh often.