advice » CoupleDumb

Readers Questions and other Unsolicited Advice

May 292009

Yep.

One of our favorite readers asked the following questions: ‘What is the treatment protocol for a narcissist and how do you depose of the body after you deal with it?’ As we have said before, we do not shy away from any questions and even though the answer may implicate us in a possible felony, we maintain that commitment.

Lee says: Dearest reader, the sad truth is that there are no treatment protocols for personality disorders per se. Narcissists, in general, do not seek out help since they are perfect and the rest of the world is crazy. Narcissists find themselves in treatment when they go into crisis. What is treated is their Axis I diagnosis (i.e. Mood Disorders, Psychosis, Addictions, Anxieties), not their personality disorder.

There is no medication that stops an over inflated sense of self. Long term individual psychotherapy is the only form of treatment that has shown any promise. However, that depends completely on a narcissist feeling the need to change. Do you see a problem with that? Usually what will bring them to seek help will be a lack of relationship. They will continually try to blame the other party and use words like ‘envy’ to describe how others see them.

I will defer to Paul’s sub personality to answer the second part.

Paul says: Under advisement of my legal counsel, I will refrain from giving specifics. On a completely unrelated topic, I will say that large vats of acid are hard to come by and easily traceable. I live in Florida. We have a lot of ocean.

Lee continues: As we wind up our week on advice, I wanted to make something perfectly clear. We think it’s great for people to share their concerns and issues with others. I think we take offense when people think their advice is the answer or they offer it without anyone asking. I personally see that as a violation of boundaries.

Last night I was having a conversation with a friend and I mentioned how a parent can assist their child by being a role model and also seeking therapy so that they will be healthier. She suggested I tell a mutual acquaintance this information since they were having issue with their child. I respectfully said hell no! There are two things you should know about me: 1. I won’t do nudity even if it’s integral to the script and 2. I don’t force therapy or advice on anyone. Sorry thems my rules.

I wonder about people who give their advice out like Halloween candy. Maybe we have hit on the narcissistic streak people have? Most people who do this aren’t what you would call, free from sin, foible or issue. There are very few people out there who really have the resume and reputation to be able to give any kind of advice and yet they don’t do it without someone asking. I think this is why Dr. Laura bothers me so much. She is successful for being opinionated! Shit if this was the criteria for success, my Dad should be the friggen’ King of the Universe.

Paul continues: I also need to set the record straight. I’m a writer. I have some nice stories and I can string together a pretty swell sentence. But, when it comes to true knowledge of interpersonal psychology, shit and Shinola look the same to me. Keep that in mind before your start the Holy Religious Order of Paul.

I know why they dumped you.

Relationship Rejects

May 282009

"I don't know why girls don't like me."

This week we have been talking about advice. The topic came up after reading the myriad questions and answers posted on relationship chat groups. They read like soap operas with topics ranging from ‘I think my boyfriend is cheating’ to ‘how much oral sex is enough?’ When we first started reading them (for purely business reasons) it was like striking a vein of dysfunction. We had enough fodder to write about to take us well into our old age. Then the question arose; why are people spilling their lives out onto cyberpaper for total and unqualified strangers to critique.

Paul says: One day I was reading the daily seven hundred emails of people bantering dysfunction on a Yahoo group when one of the posts asked the most vocal member whether she was a therapist. I assumed that the person was because she answered every question and did so with authority. When she said that she was not a therapist, just someone that has been around a lot, I was amazed. Honestly, what would have someone give advice about relationships when their only qualification is that they had had many? So a relationship expert can be either a psych professional or whore? Not that I was expecting to be reading actual therapy on the internet but, with that statement, the group went from a support group to a bunch of people bitching about their exes or their dumbass boyfriend /girlfriend /husband /probably-not-significant-for-long other.

First of all, I want to say that I am not a therapist and, as a person that sleeps with one, I know the allure of being a counselor by proxy. I know that I have good insight and I have done a fair amount of psych work on myself. Then I see Lee work and I need to step back and it remember she went to school for this. Contrary to popular belief, there is actually some training and science behind this whole psychology thing. Like the time I saw her speak to a man named Rocket Boy for over an hour at a party. By the end of the conversation she had the list of meds he was no longer taking and his social worker name and number. That was impressive!

But these people are putting their lives out there, on display, because seeing a professional is a commitment. It is easy to elicit sympathy from the crowd of broken and wounded compatriots in the war of the sexes. It is another to seek solutions within yourself.

I do not know why these relationship groups set me off so much. I think that it has to do with the bottom line premise that they all have: I will never have a good relationship, no way, no how, so let’s talk about it.

Lee says: When it comes to having problems, I have never shied from asking for advice. I have always figured that feeling crappy was worse than any embarrassment I may suffer by sharing my issues. However, these people that Paul is referring to are not your ordinary folk. These people really like to see there shit splattered across the cyber universe for any asshole to take a whack at it. The best part is reading the advice. I’m talking get some popcorn and watch the drama unfold. The level of dysfunction displayed on both sides, advice wanter and advice giver, is better than watching Maury, Springer and Bad Girls Club all at the same time!

Maybe I’m jaded because I am a therapist. Maybe I lack the ability due to my education to appreciate the grass roots, Middle America perspective on things. And maybe, just maybe, I use the brain God gave me and know you go to experts for help. In other words, don’t ask a toothless man to be your dentist.

Celebrity Smackdown: Drs. Phil and Laura

Celebrity Smackdown

May 272009

All good advice comes from there.

Now, we aren’t ones to talk smack about people unless, of course, they really deserve it. This week we are focusing on advice and the people who peddle it. Many people are wondering, what’s the big deal? Why would CoupleDumb spend a few days concentrating on something as innocuous as advice? The answer is obvious. Some people out there actually listen to some of these hypocrites. The business of advice is alive and well, folks. The only way we’re going to kill this hydra is to do a Celebrity Smackdown on all these advice peddlers.

Here’s my problem with these people. As a trained therapist, you learn early on that you don’t give advice. Advice comes from a place of ‘I know and you don’t’. It separates you from the person with the problem because you feel superior. It’s hard to empathize when you feel incredibly superior to your client or guest. So when I hear about frauds like Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil, I wonder what happened to their last names. I’m kidding. I wonder what happened to their ability to feel. I wonder why they felt it was better to be hard core, no-nonsense pithy saying purveyors instead of real agents of change.

Dr. Laura is an interesting one since she has actually convinced people she has any authority whatsoever. The fact that her doctorate is in physiology should alert people to the fact that she is someone who is heavy duty denial of who she really is. So she was certified as a Marriage and Family Counselor in California many years ago but if she maintained any ethics whatsoever, she would drop the doctor all together.

At first, she passed herself off as an expert. Then she tried to convince us that her integrity was beyond reproach. Funny how some titty pics are the great levelers in our society. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Then came the information that she was unfaithful in her first marriage and assisted in the dissolution of another marriage. We soon found out that she lived with her hubby for many years and even had a baby out of wedlock. This from the woman who berates and humiliates people for doing the exact same thing she did. Now, if she would have said from the beginning that she was a titty flashing, unfaithful, marriage breaking, bastard having woman then her words may carry a little more weight in my book. Denying who you are is just one of those minor things that set me off. Call it a quirk but lack of integrity is my biggest pet peeve.

I could mention her opinions of homosexuals but do I really need to waste anymore space on this bitch?

Then we have Dr. Phil. At least this guy actually has a psychology degree. Sure he’s been sanctioned by the ethics board for having a dual relationship (in plain English-he was either diddling a client or gave one a job. Either way, big no-no), but he at least has an understanding about psychology that Dr. Laura probably doesn’t. What chaps my butt with this guy is the gross commercialism of his practice. Yes, I am calling his show a practice since people come to him with problem and they expect him to intervene.

The cases I am referring to are Britney Spears and OctoMom. To pursue clients like this just cheapens the psychology field in general. Targeting the crazy bitch du jour to have on your show makes you look bad, Dr. Phil. But if you insist on doing that, do it right. Get licensed in California, get a van with a cool crisis team and go after those crazy bitches with a vengeance. Tranq them and throw them in the back, then bring them to your show for you to work your magic and say shit like, ‘A dog never peed on a moving car’ and other gems like that. Maybe you can go over to Dr. Laura’s house first and try to find out what happened to your last names. Don’t worry; this is just some friendly advice.