No porn, no toys, three kids, no sleep and I’m a little bit stuffy. Didn’t sex used to be fun?

          Paul says: As I was looking through this week’s posts, I realized that it was not all that fun. We talked about how porn is bad, how toys and other people move the bar in the sexual stimulation limbo, and laid out a case that relationship sex is better despite being exhausted with our children and jobs and all the other day-to-day stupidity that acts as a reverse aphrodisiac. So, I asked myself, ‘Is sex still fun’.

          Of course the answer is a resounding, ‘Yes’. I always like having sex. I am one of those people that believe that there is no such thing as bad sex. Now this might be TMI (as if CoupleDumb can give Too Much Info) but Lee and I have used our share of toys and done a bit of role-playing. I like it. It’s exciting and fun but when does it become unhealthy? Where is the line?

          Years ago, a friend of mine, while we were discussing tired sex, gave me the advice to always default for having sex over sleep. He said that afterward I would always feel better. For the most part, this is some of the most fucked up advice that I ever received. My friend was giving me solid directions down the path of sex addiction which, since he ultimately left his wife of a couple of decades to find himself with a younger woman, was the path he chose. He basically said to me to have sex despite wanting to. Bad. Bad. Bad.

          But I can also look at it from the point of view that he was setting the sexual component of intimacy as a priority. Now, that is important. Lee and I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to make the relationship the priority over the job, over the kids, and over the sniffles. My friend’s guidance goes really wrong when the sex takes priority over the relationship.  

          To be clear with myself, the Zorro mask and leather thong is alright if it adds intimacy to the relationship without detracting from the connections. Right?

Lee says: I think we are going to shelve any further plans on discussing sex on this blog. Zorro mask and leather thong? I haven’t seen those things in years!

          I would like to reiterate what Paul said; sex is great. Unfortunately, like everything else, too much of a good thing isn’t good for you. We have talked before about sexual addiction but if you aren’t having indiscriminate sex at the grocery store or spending every evening with lotion and Kleenex at your computer, can it be unhealthy? The answer is Yes!

          I was recently explaining to a Facebook friend that I consider myself a sex addict. When you use something (ie. Alcohol, Drugs, Food, Sex, Relationships…) to dull a feeling, you can develop an addiction. Sex for me has always been comforting and, because I feel that I am good at it, a self esteem booster.  As an overweight child who grew up to be a chubby woman, you take your boosts wherever you can.  Am I over sharing here? I don’t think so.

          People have been using sex inappropriately forever. What we see as normal is actually dysfunctional. We encourage our girls to wait for Mr. Right and give her mixed messages of be sexy but stay virginal. We tell our sons to sow their wild oats and being married is like a ‘ball and chain’ and wonder why they avoid commitment. Infidelity is seen as something terrible and yet as common as a cold. People assume married people don’t have sex and these messages seep into the bedroom. When we hit dry patches, whether because of the kids or illness or just plain bad timing, we start getting antsy. Because of the sexual revolution, we know that women want it too so they cheat on par with men (No, the numbers still show men cheat more than women but I think they are more honest about it too). So sex has taken over the relationship and to what end? An orgasm lasts moments but love can last a lifetime. But who am I kidding, those moments were fantastic!