Addiction » CoupleDumb

IMHO, UCLA F'd Up

Sep 242010

Lee says: There is something happening that is truly scary. The so-called experts are being swayed by the media and the consumer is left wondering whom to trust. We are left to wonder what kind of professional would induce, condone and allow a woman to bring to term 8 infants when she already had a gaggle at home. What kind of medical professional would allow a woman to undergo 10 plastic surgery procedures under general anesthetic for countless hours because she wanted it? And certainly, I am left wondering that when leading professionals minimize the severity of mental illness, what does that say to society for those suffering on a daily basis?

I have mentioned before that I have worked for many years in the field of recovery. I have dealt with the court system and have on many occasions recommended jail time for failed drug tests or fought tooth and nail to have clients released to rehab. The enormity of this responsibility is nerve-wracking; knowing that you hold the life of not only the person in question but society as a whole in your hand is daunting. One slip up and that person whom you diagnosed and publicly defended can kill a car-full of kids or themselves! In this line of work, mistakes happen but the reality is that we tend not to over-extend ourselves with certainty and paint the canvas with broad strokes since it can come back and bite us in the ass.

Apparently, the Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior, and more specifically, the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Center, believe that they can say things with an air of willynillyness that most of us professionals eschew. Back in August, Lindsay Lohan was remanded to UCLA after her brief stint in jail for probation violation. Prior to her admittance into the esteemed lock-down program, it was revealed by probation that Lindsay regularly took Dilaudid, Adderall, Nexium, Zoloft, Trazodone and Ambien per doctor prescription. She had been, at some point, diagnosed with ADHD (thus the Adderall) and the court appointed psychological professional diagnosed her with Bipolar Disorder. After some time at UCLA, the professionals there concluded that she didn’t need 3 months of treatment. In fact, they argued that Lindsay had no issue at all with drugs citing that she had no withdrawal from them. According to TMZ “Our sources say Lindsay suffers from a personality disorder, which is all too common in society and sometimes partly the result of difficulties when growing up in Hollywood.” (8/19/2010)

It is true that a diagnosis of true addiction to substances requires a withdrawal. However, since she had already spent two weeks in jail where you can assume that she took her meds as prescribed and not randomly and in excess, she may had already gone through some discomfort/withdrawal from the change in usage. There basis to discount addiction was not only, in my humble opinion, sloppy but downright unprofessional. This was a person convicted of DUI and Drug possession. She has had a very public issue with substances where she has been filmed on more than a dozen occasions under the influence. She has lost relationships, money, opportunity and career. And still, UCLA doesn’t see her substance use as a problem? And let me quickly address the flippant ‘personality disorder’ comment. If that is how a notable facility such as UCLA Neuropsychiatric Center sees personality disorders, it would behoove Hollywood to steer clear of them.

The failure of multiple drug tests so soon after release is a symptom of something much bigger. Lindsay suffers from something that should have been obvious to the pros at UCLA. Apathy. None of what is happening is affecting her. I agree that she has a personality disorder and is a self-entitled little brat but behind all of this is an overwhelming sense of the indifference to her own consequences that alone should have been enough to warrant a deeper investigation into her psyche. I agree that she was misdiagnosed with ADHD and I do believe that she was over-medicated but not on the level of a Presley or Nicole. But cocaine was not prescribed and neither was alcohol.

We can say Lindsay believes she is above the law and felt that she was untouchable. We can say that she has an over-inflated sense of ego and, paired with the sycophantic entourage that encourages this belief that the rules do not apply to her, she magically eludes consequences. Perhaps there is a loss of reality testing here that may have been hidden in previous evaluations and the original diagnoses of bipolar may hold up. Whatever it is, UCLA has dealt a blow to professional addiction specialists. In my opinion, their handling of this was shoddy and probably negligent. I guess I will probably never send them a resume now.

OK, who moved my goat and the lube?

Reader's Questions

May 012009

He's reading CoupleDumb.com so it is OK.

No porn, no toys, three kids, no sleep and I’m a little bit stuffy. Didn’t sex used to be fun?

Paul says: As I was looking through this week’s posts, I realized that it was not all that fun. We talked about how porn is bad, how toys and other people move the bar in the sexual stimulation limbo, and laid out a case that relationship sex is better despite being exhausted with our children and jobs and all the other day-to-day stupidity that acts as a reverse aphrodisiac. So, I asked myself, ‘Is sex still fun’.

Of course the answer is a resounding, ‘Yes’. I always like having sex. I am one of those people that believe that there is no such thing as bad sex. Now this might be TMI (as if CoupleDumb can give Too Much Info) but Lee and I have used our share of toys and done a bit of role-playing. I like it. It’s exciting and fun but when does it become unhealthy? Where is the line?

Years ago, a friend of mine, while we were discussing tired sex, gave me the advice to always default for having sex over sleep. He said that afterward I would always feel better. For the most part, this is some of the most fucked up advice that I ever received. My friend was giving me solid directions down the path of sex addiction which, since he ultimately left his wife of a couple of decades to find himself with a younger woman, was the path he chose. He basically said to me to have sex despite wanting to. Bad. Bad. Bad.

But I can also look at it from the point of view that he was setting the sexual component of intimacy as a priority. Now, that is important. Lee and I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to make the relationship the priority over the job, over the kids, and over the sniffles. My friend’s guidance goes really wrong when the sex takes priority over the relationship.

To be clear with myself, the Zorro mask and leather thong is alright if it adds intimacy to the relationship without detracting from the connections. Right?

Lee says: I think we are going to shelve any further plans on discussing sex on this blog. Zorro mask and leather thong? I haven’t seen those things in years!

I would like to reiterate what Paul said; sex is great. Unfortunately, like everything else, too much of a good thing isn’t good for you. We have talked before about sexual addiction but if you aren’t having indiscriminate sex at the grocery store or spending every evening with lotion and Kleenex at your computer, can it be unhealthy? The answer is Yes!

I was recently explaining to a Facebook friend that I consider myself a sex addict. When you use something (ie. Alcohol, Drugs, Food, Sex, Relationships…) to dull a feeling, you can develop an addiction. Sex for me has always been comforting and, because I feel that I am good at it, a self esteem booster. As an overweight child who grew up to be a chubby woman, you take your boosts wherever you can. Am I over sharing here? I don’t think so.

People have been using sex inappropriately forever. What we see as normal is actually dysfunctional. We encourage our girls to wait for Mr. Right and give her mixed messages of be sexy but stay virginal. We tell our sons to sow their wild oats and being married is like a ‘ball and chain’ and wonder why they avoid commitment. Infidelity is seen as something terrible and yet as common as a cold. People assume married people don’t have sex and these messages seep into the bedroom. When we hit dry patches, whether because of the kids or illness or just plain bad timing, we start getting antsy. Because of the sexual revolution, we know that women want it too so they cheat on par with men (No, the numbers still show men cheat more than women but I think they are more honest about it too). So sex has taken over the relationship and to what end? An orgasm lasts moments but love can last a lifetime. But who am I kidding, those moments were fantastic!

No Esteem. No Bra. No Problem.

Reader's Questions

Mar 132009

Caveman

Yesterdays post, coupled with a very nice afternoon together, got us talking and thinking about the experience we mentioned. We thought it very interesting that we started with disparate interpretations but ultimately ended up in the same place. Since Paul promised to continue his insights to the experience, we figured we would continue the talk today. We know we are supposed to be answering reader questions so here is the question that we asked ourselves: You mentioned that a few weeks after you were married Paul asked Lee to go to dinner without wearing a bra? Why was that incident so memorable?

Lee says: Great question!! You are one of our most insightful and intelligent readers. May I also add sexy! This was a very significant experience for me on multiple levels. Like I had mentioned, we were naïve. We were young and very inexperienced in relationships. We had never felt like that before for anyone else and were engaged only 17 days after deciding to date. We didn’t play any games with each other in terms of gaining advantage or manipulations. We talked, discussed, created business plans, explored and experimented. So this experience was one of the first cross roads in our marriage where our foundations, beliefs and dysfunction ran at each other head to head.

For me, the experience of having my new husband tell me not to wear a bra and that he didn’t care who looked at me since I belonged to him was like being drenched in cold water. It was the complete antithesis to what I had experienced growing up with my parents. Paul would never treat me like my parents treated each other and, more importantly, he knew that I was committed to him.

The deeper understanding of this experience was that Paul actually loved my body. As a big girl all my life, poor body image was a given. I had done every diet in the world and had virtually disowned my own chubbiness. However, here was the man I loved, not only saying he loved my chunky body but he also was proud to be seen with me! This boosted my self esteem to such a level that even to this day I have a better body image than most women. It’s amazing what love can do for you!

These were some of the initial conscious thoughts. I was able to dissect pretty quickly that Paul was not the jealous type and jealousy, as we all know, is a form of insecurity. Now, at that point in our lives, no one could have ever accused us as being self assured or confident. Paul is and was a self proclaimed geek. He proudly tells people that while others were having fun and getting laid at their proms, he was programming a computer. So here is my tall, geeky guy, weighing, at the time, 130 lbs, telling me, not unlike some Neanderthal, that I was his woman and he wanted to flaunt it! Sure, as a feminist I should have verbally bitch slapped him for that one but it was such a definitive and profound declaration for him at that time that, ultimately, I was proud of him. What can I say? I loved when he beat his chest and dragged me back to his cave! Like most of our posts, we actually discuss them but this one was special. We realized we each took away something very different from the experience because of our gender, not because of our upbringing.

Paul says: For me, this was all an exercise in trust. I was, and am, proud of Lee; her form, her mind, and her wit. I trusted that…

…to be honest, I’m still uncertain what I was trusting. I trusted Lee to come home with me, to be her flirtatious, fun self and still be my faithful wife at the end of the day. I trusted that I, at 130 lb and geeky, would be able to beat away my simian-like challengers and be super husband with the strongest musk glands. I was dominant, not over Lee but over my environment and with her at my side.