Real Relationship Advice

Weird sex 300x215 Revisiting Sex Addiction

Sex is a release. Drinking disinhibits and relaxes us. Drugs make us feel euphoric. Getting a deal makes us feel exuberant and accomplished. Anything that makes you feel good can be abused and you can develop a dependency. This is the basis of Addiction. If you like it then you can overdo it. Anyone who has eaten ice cream, lobster thermidor, chocolate or even a delicious pizza from your favorite purveyor knows we can easily overdo it when we enjoy what we are doing. CoupleDumb has discussed addiction a million times and we can think of no better way to end up our Tired Parent series than to remind our readers of the icky side of over doing it.

Since the 70’s, our culture has had a constant theme of ‘do it cause it feels good’. This mantra is repeated throughout our adulthood. Sure, when we are kids we are taught the terrible consequences of being a hedonist like being overweight, death and going to hell but that all changes in adulthood. All of a sudden doing anything in excess becomes a rite of passage or a means by which we ‘blow off steam’ or the consequences are magically removed with ‘if it makes you happy’. These rationalizations mean very little when we find ourselves in the pit of addiction with no discernible way of getting out.

In the realm of sex, the snares that to lead addiction are the following:

1. Pornography: In the old days, porn was viewed only by old perverted men who were looking for some excitement. Today, porn is main-stream and its availability permeates every section of our lives. We can live stream sex acts on our phones! Pornography fills our head with images that both entice and fascinate. This combination makes us seek out more and when we combine it with masturbation we increase the possibility of creating a dependency.

2. The search for the ultimate sexual experiences: We recently were introduced to ‘fuck it lists’; a bucket list for sex. These lists could contain certain individuals but most people place different sexual experiences on their lists like orgies, certain places to engage in sex, swinging or they include S&M or B&D. Without needing a degree in Psychology, one can see how this can lead to an addiction. When we search for the bigger high we are in the realm of addiction.

3. Sado-masochism or Bondage and Domination: There is nothing wrong with a little sex play. Buying the occasional toy or outfit just accentuates the sex experience. However, in the arena of S&M, B&D, Infantilism and all the other practices, sex is rarely the end result. Much of what is done is in substitution for intercourse. Many people believe that after a rousing session of boot licking and perhaps some flogging that the slave will get to have sex with the master. Hardly. These lifestyles take the place of sex and create a world where the ‘game’ is all there is.

As humans, we tend to overdo things. There is nothing wrong with having fun or a little experimentation as long as we understand that there are consequences to everything we do. There are no free rides and searching for a bigger orgasm or higher high is the path to addiction. If you engage in any of these activities, we invite you to ask yourself ‘how do I feel about me?’ If there is shame or you feel disconnected, please seek help right away.

Sex is a gift and we invite everyone to enjoy themselves….in the privacy of their homes with a committed partner. Ultimately, that holds the better possibility of the best sex you have ever had.

sharebookmarx Revisiting Sex Addiction

addiction 300x251 The Addict And You

          So can you spot the crazy already? We have gone over some of the more difficult ones but today, we are going to spot the obvious pink elephant in the room. We can say it is a disease. We can say it is a lack of self-control. We can say that it disrupts individual lives, relationships, families, communities and nations. The reality is addiction is this and so much more. The important thing is to learn how to spot that crazy and make sure you are clear of the fall out.

          Lee says: This post is assuming that you aren’t the crazy here. This post is assuming a lot. As an addiction professional that has seen all types of addiction at all stages of the disease, I can safely say I am pretty good at spotting the elephant in the room. So I will share with you my tricks of the trade. I will share with you my limited wisdom concerning this affliction. Just to be clear, the afflicted are the people who surround the addicted and not the identified patient.

          We will start easy. Ask yourself: ‘Does this person get in trouble with the law, work, family…(any authority in their life)’? If you answered yes, then you are looking at a person with a problem. Many people interpret ‘problems with the law’ as a DUI or an arrest of some kind. The reality is that if someone receives a DUI, they have a problem. Which brings us to a very important point when discussing addiction; levels of use.

          Use: The term ‘Use’ refers to anyone who uses a substance in moderation, responsibly and without deleterious effects of themselves or others. This would be the person having a glass of wine at dinner or a mixed drink at a happy hour. Most people fall into these categories. However, in the case of drugs, recreational use is very subjective and would require a professional interpretation. 

          Abuse: The term ‘Abuse’ refers to anyone failing to fulfilling their responsibilities, recklessness like driving while intoxicated, legal issues and continuing the use of the substance despite all these problems. 

          Dependency: We diagnose dependency when the person’s usage begins to be obsessive and compulsive. In other words, the person craves the substance and spends the time when not using the substance trying to obtain the substance. People who are dependent also suffer from withdrawals and show a complete lack of control when using.

          By the end of this, you will be a professional! O.K., so we have someone getting in trouble with the law. Does that make them a friend of Lohan? Not necessarily. A person can easily be labeled as abusing a substance after a really good party where they got drunk, puked and had to call in sick to work. Now, if you do that every week or day, then you have a reason to seek help. However, in the case where you are the designated driver to these people and they do this often, then we need to have a little discussion about being a doormat.

          A very big red flag that needs to be raised when you are in relationship with someone who may have an addiction is if they ask you to keep secrets for them. For example, if you are asked to keep in confidence a brush with the law, issues with money or other shames, then you have moved into the position of caretaker of someone with a burgeoning problem. Hiding their stash. Lying for them. Covering for them. All of those activities are the designated job of the enabler and you are now a co-dependent.

          Look, this isn’t easy. I don’t want to make this sound like you will read this and voila, you are no longer co-dependent. We do a lot of fucked up things when we think we are in love. However, and I know some of you will wince at this, but we need to remember that we must always love ourselves just a little bit more. This isn’t being selfish, its self-preservation. 

          Paul says: I love myself as often as possible. What are we talking about?

sharebookmarx The Addict And You

lindsay1 300x226 IMHO, UCLA Fd Up


         Lee says:  There is something happening that is truly scary. The so-called experts are being swayed by the media and the consumer is left wondering whom to trust. We are left to wonder what kind of professional would induce, condone and allow a woman to bring to term 8 infants when she already had a gaggle at home. What kind of medical professional would allow a woman to undergo 10 plastic surgery procedures under general anesthetic for countless hours because she wanted it? And certainly, I am left wondering that when leading professionals minimize the severity of mental illness, what does that say to society for those suffering on a daily basis?

          I have mentioned before that I have worked for many years in the field of recovery. I have dealt with the court system and have on many occasions recommended jail time for failed drug tests or fought tooth and nail to have clients released to rehab. The enormity of this responsibility is nerve-wracking; knowing that you hold the life of not only the person in question but society as a whole in your hand is daunting. One slip up and that person whom you diagnosed and publicly defended can kill a car-full of kids or themselves! In this line of work, mistakes happen but the reality is that we tend not to over-extend ourselves with certainty and paint the canvas with broad strokes since it can come back and bite us in the ass.

          Apparently, the Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior, and more specifically, the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Center, believe that they can say things with an air of willynillyness that most of us professionals eschew. Back in August, Lindsay Lohan was remanded to UCLA after her brief stint in jail for probation violation. Prior to her admittance into the esteemed lock-down program, it was revealed by probation that Lindsay regularly took Dilaudid, Adderall, Nexium, Zoloft, Trazodone and Ambien per doctor prescription. She had been, at some point, diagnosed with ADHD (thus the Adderall) and the court appointed psychological professional diagnosed her with Bipolar Disorder. After some time at UCLA, the professionals there concluded that she didn’t need 3 months of treatment. In fact, they argued that Lindsay had no issue at all with drugs citing that she had no withdrawal from them. According to TMZ “Our sources say Lindsay suffers from a personality disorder, which is all too common in society and sometimes partly the result of difficulties when growing up in Hollywood.” (8/19/2010)

          It is true that a diagnosis of true addiction to substances requires a withdrawal. However, since she had already spent two weeks in jail where you can assume that she took her meds as prescribed and not randomly and in excess, she may had already gone through some discomfort/withdrawal from the change in usage. There basis to discount addiction was not only, in my humble opinion, sloppy but downright unprofessional. This was a person convicted of DUI and Drug possession. She has had a very public issue with substances where she has been filmed on more than a dozen occasions under the influence. She has lost relationships, money, opportunity and career. And still, UCLA doesn’t see her substance use as a problem? And let me quickly address the flippant ‘personality disorder’ comment. If that is how a notable facility such as UCLA Neuropsychiatric Center sees personality disorders, it would behoove Hollywood to steer clear of them.

          The failure of multiple drug tests so soon after release is a symptom of something much bigger. Lindsay suffers from something that should have been obvious to the pros at UCLA. Apathy. None of what is happening is affecting her. I agree that she has a personality disorder and is a self-entitled little brat but behind all of this is an overwhelming sense of the indifference to her own consequences that alone should have been enough to warrant a deeper investigation into her psyche. I agree that she was misdiagnosed with ADHD and I do believe that she was over-medicated but not on the level of a Presley or Nicole. But cocaine was not prescribed and neither was alcohol.

          We can say Lindsay believes she is above the law and felt that she was untouchable. We can say that she has an over-inflated sense of ego and, paired with the sycophantic entourage that encourages this belief that the rules do not apply to her, she magically eludes consequences. Perhaps there is a loss of reality testing here that may have been hidden in previous evaluations and the original diagnoses of bipolar may hold up. Whatever it is, UCLA has dealt a blow to professional addiction specialists. In my opinion, their handling of this was shoddy and probably negligent. I guess I will probably never send them a resume now.

sharebookmarx IMHO, UCLA Fd Up

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