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Real Relationship Advice

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Riding the crotch rocket

The vibrator is nothing new. Women have been using vibrators for over a century beginning with steam driven massagers. In fact, Hamilton Beach patented the first electric vibrator in 1902 which also happened to be the 5^th small appliance they produced. It seems historically that the advent of electricity heralded a multitude of products for women designed to massage and to reduce stress and hysteria. That’s right; vibrators were medicinal back in the day of Freud. Doctors felt that the eliciting ‘hysterical paroxysm’ or orgasm was the only way to treat hysteria. Since Hysteria was named after the uterus, it made perfect sense that the treatment should address the lady’s naughty bits. Today, the vibrator is as commonplace in a women’s nightstand as the Gideon Bible is in hotels. But, is it really a good thing?

Pros:

Every time a woman orgasms an angel gets its wings. No? Close enough. As we discussed last week, orgasms are not always easy for women. There are a myriad of reasons that may cause a woman to have a difficult time achieving orgasm that vibrators tend to fix. Many women require direct stimulation on the clitoris to be able to climax that regular intercourse does not provide. Many women report that a vibrator is the only way they can climax.

Cons:

Sex is like many other addictive things. And as such, there is a certain potato chip rule: one is not enough. When it comes to sex, the more experiences you have the more you raise the bar on what gets you off. The amount of stimulation provided by a vibrator can literally make you numb to ‘normal’ sex. In other words, your partner will not vibrate or flip their penises 360 degrees. This can affect your ability to achieve orgasm with your partner which could affect your intimacy.

Pros:

Orgasms are great for your health and being able to have them whenever you want makes life a lot easier.

Cons:

Some women develop vibrator dependence (back to the addiction model) and experience frustration when not available.

Pros:

It can accentuate sex play with your partner. There is nothing that says the vibrator is solely for women or that it needs to be used penetratively.

Cons:

Some partners become jealous of your BOB – battery operated boyfriend.

Everything in moderation. The use of vibrators can heighten the sexual experience but should not always be the main course when you are in a relationship. There is no judgment if you require it to achieve orgasm but CoupleDumb strongly suggests that there should be plenty of discussion surrounding their use when you are having sex with someone. It is hard to compete with something that shudders at adjustable frequencies and has gopher to directly stimulate your clitoris. Men just aren’t built that way.

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Real Relationship Advice

Certain subjects make us uncomfortable. Some people don’t like discussing their finances. Some people don’t like discussing childhood trauma. But most people are tight lipped about discussing their own sexual experiences. Don’t get us wrong, these same individuals will talk about sex in the abstract and will participate in lurid conversations but they do not share the most important tidbits about their sex life. Women are especially guilty of this. Funny how most women will have conversations about sex and yet 43% of us report not being able to regularly reach orgasm and yet the discussions are not prescriptive or supportive.

Most women experience their first orgasm through masturbation. Whether you are alone or your partner is giving you a hand, the first experience can be confusing since, unlike men, there is not a physical manifestation of the orgasm (ejaculate). Sure, pornography has introduced this new concept that a woman can ejaculate but science has yet to catch up to these exceptional women who continue to promote impossible examples of what a sexual woman experiences. The intensity of an orgasm is directly correlated with the level of relaxation of the woman. In other words, the more relaxed, the more you come.

Since women have difficulty explaining an orgasm, we thought an explanation was in order:

1. The Clitoris: The Clitoris is the only body part on either sex that is solely for pleasure. It is described as a nub or button that has 8000 sensory nerve endings with the expressed purpose of pleasure. The clitoris is comparable to the head of a penis but is even more sensitive. The clitoris is the main source of sexual pleasure for a woman. Some women are clitoral sensitive and cannot handle direct stimulation. However, the majority of women can. Most women who report having orgasms are having clitoral orgasm. Thanks to Freud and a male dominated scientific community, the clitoral orgasm was considered ‘immature’ and was discouraged. The reality is that the clitoral orgasm is the gateway to the possibility of deeper orgasms. The common orgasm experience for women is contractions and increases of breath and heart rate.

2. The Vagina: The Vagina is Latin for sheath or scabbard. The vagina is a muscle and does not possess the nerve endings to create an orgasm. The benefit of the lack of nerve endings is that it reduces the pain of childbirth. What you probably are unaware of is that the vulvar and clitoral tissue extend down into the vagina. Since the vaginal opening tilts downward while a woman is laying down, this increases the likelihood that the man’s pelvis will directly make contact with the a woman’s mons veneris (mons pubis), the fatty mound over the pelvic bone, which provides sufficient pressure over the clitoris. A vaginal orgasm, which was once considered the only real orgasm, is wonderful when it happens but is secondary to the clitoral orgasm.

‘The Hite Report’, published in 1976, reported 26% of women experienced regular vaginal orgasms during intercourse with no manual stimulation of their clitoris.

The study also found:

19% rarely experienced orgasm during intercourse
16% did so if there was manual stimulation of their clitoris at the same time
24% did not experience orgasm during intercourse at any time
12% had never experienced orgasm under any condition
3% had never engaged in vaginal intercourse.

So, the physiological reality is that clitoral stimulation is necessary for orgasm for most women. If your partner has issues with this, have him read this. Studies show that most men are interested in learning how to give a woman pleasure and the search for an orgasm is a great way to create intimacy for both of you. But, before you can embark on this journey, you need to be honest. Stop faking it. Stop pretending to be fine. You deserve to have pleasure in your life. Talk to your partner and friends. Life is too short to be having mediocre sex.

Please Note: We will be discussing pornography and sex toys next week.