Posted By Lee and Paul on March 9, 2010

          Marriage has changed considerably over the last half of a century. Of course, since it is Tuesday and this is CoupleDumb, we need to ask the question, ‘Where are children in this climate of new marriage?’ The answer is ‘nowhere’.

          Paul says: In the old days, the reason that people got married was to have children without getting a good ass-smiting by God. A married woman got pregnant, period. If she could not drop a litter then she was somewhat useless. Harsh but true. Then came the 60’s and the nature of equality changed throughout the nation. Women, rightfully, did not want to be solely baby making machines, couples started seeing the benefits of a two income family, and men did what they could to leave the caves and stand in the light of a new liberation of everyone. (Yes, I am a believer that what is good for some is good for all.)

          …And marriage went from being child centered to being something else. From the 1960’s to the 1980’s, the fertility rate in our nation dropped by half. In other words, we were making half the babies that we used to. I do not want anyone to get me wrong, I am delighted that we have moved from a child-centered marital system. My kids really should not be the center of anything short of a maybe one of the rings of hell, the ring with whiny children and drippy ice cream. But, if children are no longer the center of a marriage then what has replaced them?

          I’m not a big fan of answering by subtractions but here are some of the things that have not replaced them. Love is not at the center of marriages. We already know that most people cannot distinguish true love from the need for a good pickle poke. If anything, love has taken a step back from marriage since the closest that people came to unconditional love was in the act of bonding with their children. So love is out.

          Being married has not taken center stage in marriage either. Divorce rates are up, people cohabitate more than ever, and rearing a child outside of wedlock is becoming more and more common. So the value of marriage existing for itself has definitely not taken hold.

          My take on things, for what it is worth, is that nothing has taken the position of center and that that is what we are seeing and experiencing now. We are searching for that new center. Women struggle daily with the balance of wife, mom and lover while trying to hold on to their individuality and still be part of something greater. Men are slowly learning to let go of the reigns of breadwinning despot with one hand while taking up the roles of nurturer and team player with the other.

          Oddly enough, in all of this searching, the teen population still knows what they want. I’m going to say something that I don’t think that I have ever said: teens are a lot smarter than they look. OK, that felt weird. But they are proving themselves. In a recent study of high school students, they said overwhelmingly that they value marriage. They said that they want to be married, have children but only when they are financially secure, and have careers that allow for a balance of family and work. How bad does it have to be that adults can take priority cues from adolescents? What’s next, talking dogs?

            Lee says: That might help marriage as well. I am sure that our ugly dog, who Paul was whoring out yesterday, could give plenty of people advice.

            I know that one thing people are trying is making their marriage God centered. Well, here is where Lee gets herself in trouble. God, for lack of a better way of saying this, cannot hold up a falling marriage. If you were raised in the Judeo-Christian faiths then you heard a little something about free will. This is where we can do what we want and it is God sanctioned. God, or whatever you call your spiritual connection, leaves for you to choose between good/evil, right/wrong, commitment or other, responsible or irresponsible. Making Him the center of a marriage is thus giving Him the responsibility to hold you up. Sure, I hear a lot of the chatter about how these couples are commanded to be the best husband and wife… and that this makes marriage so important….but let me tell you a little secret. Christians have a higher divorce rate than any other religion.

            I believe God wants us to make the marriage (commitment) the center of the marriage. Do well there and you can pretty much do anything else. The foundation we create at home is what buoys us throughout our lives. God is support and a beacon for everything in life but we lose the purpose of our beliefs if instead of keeping our faith as the mood music we make it the lyrics, the dance moves and the pounding bass.

Posted By Lee and Paul on March 8, 2010

          This week is interesting since around midweek Lee’s in-laws will be visiting. They are scheduled to be in town for about a week. Although there is no tensions between Lee and her in-laws, we think it should be obvious who of us is a little more freaked about the visit.  However, we need to focus because the topic of this week is the state of marriage and that deserves all of our attention. So Mom and Dad-in-law need to take a knee while we share our thoughts and insights on WTF is up with marriage.

          Lee says: I am a married woman. I have had that status for 21 years. Prior to married woman, I was a single chick. As a single chick, my concept of marriage was that it was a torture chamber where the only reprieve was that during parties you had a dance partner. A marriage was an inequitable arrangement between men and women. A wife was expected to be super-woman while a husband was only responsible for bringing home bacon and demanding to be treated like some sort of royalty or incapacitated feeb. This was my thought from the outside. This was my belief from watching the woman in my life. All of them were hard working, intelligent women who were as worthy of being catered to as their husbands, who they waited on hand and foot. However, it was the culture. It was also the time.

          Interestingly enough, marriage has a bizarre history. Marriage was an institution created for financial purposes. Arranged marriages, dowries and proxy were and are still practiced around the world. Brides were purchased or stolen due to status. Grooms were bribed with land or status because of their abilities or wealth. It was only in the 12^th century that we started to see the beginnings of romance or love as we understand it. However, love was not a necessary component to marriage until more recently and even now, love is not an absolute necessity. The idea of marriage to have a family was not even in the picture until the late 16^th century. No, the Catholic Church didn’t create marriage as a formal rite because of burning bush or lightning bolt. In fact, in this wonderful country where a large number of people think they have a hold on what marriage is all about, we didn’t put regulations on marriage until the late 1800s. Until then, most marriages were common law. That’s right, we all lived in sin.      

          Marriage in the United States has a freeze frame quality to it. Although we believe that we are all so cool and enlightened, we all have a bizarre 1950esque understanding of the institution. The bride, even if she is liberated and a feminist, retains a shadow of Donna Reed as her wife role model and the groom, despite his firm belief that a woman is his equal, cannot help but to feel a little Danny Thomas in his bones even if he never saw ‘Father Knows Best’.

          Marriage has changed because of the cultural pressures. Therefore, due to the outside world creeping into our breakfast nook as we serve coffee and burnt toast to our husband reading the morning paper, we now have to fill our travel mugs and steal a quick kiss as we both go off to our high-powered jobs. We are reprimanded if we say things like ’My husband makes all the decisions’ or ’I don’t deal with the money’ if we are women. Men do not get a complete reprieve on change since Neanderthals get societal finger wagging (while their families coddle them) and the new male/dad or metro-sexuals are often questioned as to their sexual proclivities. Marriage is changing from the outside, in. Perhaps this is the foundation to why people are resisting granting equal rights. As humans, we don’t like to change because we have to. Regardless of why, a change is coming and within 50 years marriage as we know it will be a memory. Especially if all these religious groups are right. Wow, imagine being able to marry your Schnauzer or car.

          Paul says: My dog is ugly but has a great personality. If there are any of you ex-homosexuals turned doggiphiles who would like to marry her, we will consider it for a reasonable dowry. Thank you.

Posted By Lee and Paul on March 8, 2010

          Since we started doing CoupleDumb, we have been doing pretty well. OK, we are doing really well. In only one year, we went from absolutely nothing to having a kick ass website that is one of the top in the world. Because of this, we are getting all kinds of people asking how they can start their own website. Since Paul is a computer guy, the answer is usually a shrug and us pointing the person to a web designer.

          Now there is Wix.com. With Wix.com, anyone can design their own website in a couple of minutes. It is super easy to use, so you do not need a web guru to create and update your site. You can just go grab one of the Wix.com templates and start to drag and drop the pieces that you want onto your site. One of the really cool things in that it is Flash. Or, in other words, you can put all kinds of moving doohickeys when you build your new website.

          For all of you out there that have something to say, it is time for you to go to Wix.com, create your free website , and start letting the world hear what you have to say.